So now we're apparently at the point of considering whether we'd rather adopt an American baby or a baby from overseas so that we can start figuring out costs.  DH and I were talking about why I want to be a mother (after having talked in the past about why he wants to be a father).

We were also talking about focusing on things a person is passionate about, and I said that one of the things I'm passionate about is wanting to become a mother.  I explained that I really wanted to experience ALL aspects of being a mother, including growing a life inside of me for 9 months, feeling our baby move, seeing our baby on the sonogram, giving birth, experiencing those first moments of our baby's life outside of me.  Unfortunately, at the rate we're going, that costs a lot of money we can't really afford with no guarantee of return.

So basically we're at the point of considering where we would want to get our baby from if we adopted so that we can use that as a starting point to figure out how much adoption might cost.  I guess we have to figure that out now along with getting prices for fertility services, because we can't afford to have fertility services and THEN adopt when they fail, so we have to decide which we are going to do before we would start anything with a fertility clinic.

PS. For those that are wondering, yes, I do have other things that I am passionate about besides motherhood, and yes, I am trying to focus on those things in an attempt to fill the holes in my life that I created in order to be a responsible mother and in my heart that my heart created on its own.  I am doing a lot with APO because APO is where I feel most competent and able.  I'm trying to make time at the correct times to be able to do stuff with flags again, which is the other thing I'm most passionate about.  But so far at least, no matter how hard I've tried, focusing on the other things I'm passionate about has not made the passion I feel for motherhood stop hurting.