Infertility in the Media

The way that infertility is treated in the media has been on my mind a lot lately.  Two of my favorite tv shows are Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill (yes, I have a strong tomboy streak, but I also have a strong girly-girl streak).  One Tree Hill has had a storyline about Brooke being infertile for several seasons now, involving her interest in adoption and the effects of her infertility on her relationship with Julian.  The infertility storyline involving Meredith and Derek on Grey's is a lot more recent but has been a lot more powerful for me.

With both shows, the infertility was initially handled as a cut and dried matter.  Brooke was told that she was not pregnant and that in fact she never would be able to become pregnant.  After having a miscarriage, Meredith was told that she has a "hostile uterus."  Treatments were recommended for Meredith, but not for Brooke; in both cases, a real diagnosis was never given.  All in all, the two shows addressed both the mechanics and the reactions related to an infertility diagnosis in a very superficial way.

As the current season progressed, the Grey's writers began handling the topic of Meredith's infertility more deftly.  Both Meredith and Brooke had to cope with having pregnant friends, but Meredith's reactions have seemed a lot more real and likely from what I've experienced and others that I know have experienced.  I was crying during the following clip because it covered so well how I've felt in many situations: jealous, frustrated, not understanding why others can end up by mistake with what we work so hard for, but still caring about the person and not wanting anything to happen to the person.

The part where Meredith attended Callie's baby shower also felt very real and well-done.  I haven't had to do onesie decorating at any showers, but I'm really glad that at work it was the shower I could stay the whole time for that had no games and the one I had clients to see in the middle of that had cutesy games. 

Another thing that rang true for me with Grey's this season was Meredith's reaction to having to stop the cycle of injectible medications because of a side effect of blurred vision.  Most of us aren't likely to be in quite that situation, but almost all of us have had to stop treatments or stop trying for a cycle, whether because of problems with the treatment, inability to afford treatment, or other life factors making it impossible to try for a month.  Having to stop a cycle for any reason is extremely hard, and it's even worse when it's a cycle where you went through a lot to try.  The acupuncture I was doing last summer is nowhere near as bad as getting shots, I'm sure, but I'm bad enough with needles that it was still very hard both physically and emotionally for me.  Having to stop in the middle of a cycle felt like a waste of everything DH and I had put ourselves through to make it happen.

At this point, Grey's is hard to watch, but it's not as hard when they treat the subject as seriously as it deserves to be treated.  I just hope the thing between Christina and Owen on whether or not to have kids doesn't come back up.  Given the content of some of my posts from January, that storyline had me wondering whether I would be able to watch the rest of the season or not.

Another day, another pregnancy announcement AND another baby shower, this one with the game of "guess who's sonogram picture this is."  I am strong.  I can do this.  I am focusing on the pie I made.

Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge

Yes, I finally figured out, 8 months later, how to put a title on my posts.  Computers aren't my thing, ok?

To commemorate National Infertility Awareness Week, RESOLVE.org is sponsoring the Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge.  I chose two related myths to address in the same post, one related to domestic adoption in general and the other related to foster-to-adopt programs. 

Myth: There are many unwanted babies available for domestic adoption.     

Myth: You will eventually be able to adopt the child.

Both of these myths relate to fears that I have about if we need to go the route of adoption.  I'm scared to death of how crushed I would be to get close to being a parent and then for it not to happen.  There's another couple whose blog I follow who have been accepted by an adoption agency and then weren't hearing anything for a long while.  They checked to make sure that they were being considered and that their profile was being shown, and they found out that birth mothers were looking at their profile and not choosing them.  I worry that I/we won't look good enough for a mother to want us to raise their child.  I know that no couple and no family is perfect, but the people that care enough about their baby to go through a reputable agency also care enough to want the best for their child.  There's always going to be someone better than me/us out there, someone who can afford to give their new child the best of everything, someone who did not spend all of whatever savings they were able to gather in order to get into line to be passed over by every mother.  After all, once I'm able to switch to my company's insurance, IVF and other ART will be covered, but adoption will not...

Foster-to-adopt programs have been suggested to me as a more affordable option, and one where people are needed.  I've tended to be at least somewhat resistant to the idea, although I haven't ruled it out for sure.  The biggest reason I've been resistant is because of what I do for a living.  I am, after all, a social worker.  In my current job, I don't work with the foster care system.  I have in previous jobs, however, and the main thing that experience did is strengthen the feeling I came out of grad school with that I never wanted to work in the foster care system.  No, I don't think all DSS workers are bad or incompetent or anything like that.  But I certainly don't want to be a social worker all day and then come home and have to fight with the foster care system on behalf of my own child.  I want home to be, while not easy, at least different from work!  

Another aspect of the foster-to-adopt system came up when I was discussing things with my therapist tonight, though.  With many of the kids I had worked with, I had seen in their histories situations where the parental rights were about to be terminated so the child would be eligible for adoption when the birth parents suddenly tried to get things together so they could get their child back.  Sometimes the parents did get their children back and then lost them again or took them back to DSS and said, "Take them."  Sometimes, the situation dragged on, the parents never did get their act together, and the child did become eligible to be adopted, but a long time and a lot of pain later.  Either way, it's extremely heart-wrenching for the parents that want to adopt.  I don't know that I could do that, become attached to a child and then have that child taken away.  And possibly more than once??  I don't even want to think about that!

So yeah, long story short, adoption is at least as fraught as assisted reproductive technologies.

Basic information about infertility  http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Background of National Infertility Awareness Week  http://www.resolve.org/takecharge 

What IF I can never just be happy with what I have and stop being angry, bitter, and sad about what I do not (from Cathy)?

This post is a part of Project IF, a collection of infertility-related bloggers exploring their own personal What IFs to mark National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30).

This is a What IF that I struggle with every day, multiple times a day.  A What IF that I can't even read without tearing up.  It's a What IF that a number of my friends are sick of me for because they are sick of me bringing them down and bothering them with my problems.  They don't understand why I can't just be happy with what I have and stop being jealous and angry and bitter.

Well, neither do I.  I don't understand why I can't be happy to enjoy other people's kids and give them back to their parents when they start crying or need a diaper change.  I don't understand why I can't be satisfied with mothering and taking care of everyone around me like I used to be.  I don't understand why having a good job and a loving husband and caring friends and helping others doesn't meet my needs and fulfill me anymore.

It's enough for other people.  It used to be enough for me.  I don't understand why it stopped being enough.  Is it my biological clock?  Is it the fact that I thought I was going to get to have it in the foreseeable future rather than in some undefined "someday"?  Is it that I'm actually a selfish brat who starts throwing a hissy fit anytime she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it how she wants it?

Whatever it is, the fact that I haven't been able to get rid of the anger and bitterness and jealousy and sadness and despair is not for lack of trying.  I have been working extremely hard and praying multiple times a day, multiple times an hour sometimes, trying to rid myself of the negative and focus on the positives in my life and in the lives of people I care about.  I have had small successes, moments when I've been able to be genuinely happy for someone, times when I have been able to sincerely pray for people about whom I had been feeling not just envy but bitterness.  I try to recognize and appreciate them, but the message comes from some channels that I'm still so far below what is acceptable for dealing with this that those small successes aren't even worth noticing.

What IF I was able to celebrate myself and feel supported by the people I care about most for the small successes until there are bigger accomplishments to celebrate?

For more information on Project IF, go to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if-part-two/

Basic information about Infertility can be found at: www.resolve.org/infertility101

Background information about National Infertility Awareness Week is available at: www.resolve.org/takecharge

I've realized something recently about the relationship between the image I have of myself and the images others have of me.

I've always had a fairly fragile self-image.  People who know me at all well can tell you that I'm quick to see myself as not worth much and not really good at much of anything.  I tend to emphasize the things that others are better than me at, downplay the importance of the things that I am good at, and not believe that I deserve any recognition that I get.  With words of affirmation being one of my primary Love Languages, words about me doing things well can lift me up, but only temporarily.  Words about me being bad at things or not having qualities that I should have will rip me to pieces in a heartbeat.

One area where this has been shown clearly is in how I see my reactions to the infertility issue.  I had muddled my way through for several months doing the best I could but not really focusing on whether the job I was doing was good or bad.  Then, I got hit with the feedback that I was handling things badly and that I needed to shape up.  I got into therapy, increased my meds, and started this blog.  I could see an improvement in myself, especially given how what I was feeling got worse, but I continued to receive feedback about how awful I was at handling things, culminating with the comments that led to me not writing for several weeks in January and considering killing the blog.

In March, I was shocked when our couples therapist told me that I actually was handling things surprisingly well.  DH also was able to understand that, whether he could get what I was feeling or not, what I was feeling was normal.  With their support, I started to build the beginnings of a more positive set of beliefs about myself and about how I am handling an extremely difficult set of circumstances.

I learned just how fragile these positive thoughts and beliefs were, however, a week and a half ago when a person whose opinion I greatly respect told me that being honest about how I feel is not ok and that the progress that made still leaves me so far below what is acceptable that it is worthless.  I was also told that I am in the process of driving away my friends because they have to come up with a plan for how to tell me their good news in such a way that I don't make a public scene.

DH and I were talking about this in relation to the Johari Window. (For those who are not familiar: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window)  As we were talking, I realized that I felt like I was being told the Facade and Blind Spot areas were mutually exclusive in this case.  The Facade section held the idea that I am handling things about as well as could be expected.  The Blind Spot section held the idea that I'm so bad at handling things that I'm not worth being around.  Those can't both be true.  My natural inclinations, as described above, combined with the fact that I respect this person's opinion and this person told me a lot of people share the Blind Spot view but don't want to tell me.  This led to me thinking that the Blind Spot opinion must be right and that I need to find a way to completely change my brain and personality if I want to keep my friends.

A couple of days ago, a friend sent me a Facebook message telling me about her pregnancy news before she posted it on her news feed.  One of the things she said really touched me and made me feel better about who and how I am.  She said that she appreciated the genuineness and honesty of this blog.  That statement helped me to start picking up a couple more pieces of my self-image and to put back together a little of what had been smashed apart.

Just to make myself clear, I'm NOT writing this as a veiled request for people to stroke my ego or tell me that I'm handling things wonderfully or tell me that I shouldn't change a thing.  I know that I am the only person responsible for my self-esteem.  I'm just sharing where I'm at and one of the things that I am working on.

Ah, April Fools' Day.  I used to enjoy you.  I was never big on playing pranks myself, but that was just because of a combination of lack of creativity and that I suck at lying if people can actually see me.  I've generally enjoyed the pranks played by others, however, whether they dupe me or not. 

This year, however, it's a lot harder.  I've already seen 4 pregnancy "announcements" on FB that I'm pretty sure are fake (this is not counting the guys saying that they themselves are pg, which are still funny, and not counting the real one from one of my cousins).  It's not as much of a punch to the gut as it is when people really are pregnant, but to me it's as Not Funny as a person pretending to have cancer or something.  One would make me scared in case it's true, especially with having friends that have survived cancer and those that have not, but the other is a crushing reminder that for 90% of people, it is a joking matter because they never have to deal with not being able to conceive.  I kinda remember seeing posts like that last year, but at that point I still had hope and so those posts didn't hurt as much as they do this year.

Before people jump all over me, I'm not trying to tell people what pranks they can or can't pull or that they have to change everything they do because of my fragile feelings.  All I'm doing is asking that people use some creativity in their pranks instead of going for that one.  I've seen a couple of really great pranks already this year that didn't have to do with pregnancy, and those are the ones that people will remember down the road anyway.

I just managed to do an intake session with a 9-month-old present without reacting to that aspect of it.  Not sure whether it was because the Zoloft was working well or because I'm getting better at dealing with things or because I hurt too much physically to hurt emotionally, but I'll take it however it comes.

I thought about posting this on Thursday, when it happened, but then I found the myths and facts and decided to post that instead. 

First of all, I'm ok, or at least ok-ish.  Second, I was in a car accident on Thursday morning.  I was stopped in traffic and the person behind me didn't even slow down.  She rear-ended me and pushed me into the car in front of me.  The car (and driver) in front of me were ok, but my front got crunched up from that one.  My trunk was completely smushed in, right up to the bottom of the back windshield.  Something was messed up on the bottom of the car, too, since I heard and felt scraping on the road as I pulled over to the side.  On a 12 year old car, that's definitely damage that totals it.  So now we have to figure out how we'll afford another car for me.  We have a decent-size down payment, at least, once the tax money comes in.  Good thing we finished paying the IF-related bills, although it's disheartening to have another financial hit just after finishing with the last. 

Mostly at this point, I'm just sore.  My back and neck especially, but my left side and my wrists too.  I don't remember if I had my hands on the wheel at that point or not, since I was stopped, but I seem to have torqued at least my right wrist.  Had an x-ray of the left rib area and was glad it turned out not to be broken.  Somehow, I don't think I'll be up for a BD this week.

From Resolve.org, Myths and Facts about Infertility:

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

This is my Infertility Manifesto.  DH encouraged me to write this tonight after something clicked and he was able to understand more of what I've been trying to tell him for the past however many months.

I AM NORMAL.  You won't usually see/hear me say that, since I usually take pride in being (at least) a bit eccentric.  But when it comes to dealing with infertility and wanting to be a parent, I am normal.  I'm not just pulling this out of thin air, I am basing this on what I have been told by my individual therapist, our couples therapist, and other infertile women that I have connected to through the internet and this blog.

When I am proud of myself for being able to walk past a magazine announcing another celebrity pregnancy and not tear up, I am normal.  When I have trouble watching my favorite tv shows because they have pregnancies or infertility, I am normal.  When I feel bitter or angry about other people being able to get pregnant so easily, I am normal.  When I have a hard time making it through a day because of the pregnant people all around me, I am normal.  When I weigh for the umpteenth time whether staying connected with friends and family via Facebook is worth the emotional slaps upside the head when yet another person announces their pregnancy, I am normal.  When I feel happy for a friend and at the same time feel bitter and hopeless, I AM NORMAL.

Do I like feeling angry and bitter and hopeless?  Of course not.  Do I like flinching mentally when I see people that I like and care about?  Of course not.  Do I like feeling like I may never feel better if I don't become a parent one way or another?  Of course not.  Do I like that friends have lost out on things because of what I have and have not been able to handle?  Of course not, and knowing that people lost out made some decisions much harder for me.  Do I like that some of my friends end up in the situation of trying to figure out how to break the news to me?  Definitely not, although I appreciate VERY much that they care enough to do what they can to make it easier.  Do I like that DH feels pressure because of my feelings?  Absolutely not.  At the same time that my feelings cause problems for myself and others, they are normal and I AM NORMAL.

Some people have said that they don't think therapy and medication are helping me much at all because they don't see any improvement in my mood over time.  What people who think that do not realize is that the amount of pain I have been feeling over the past 3 months is probably about double what I was experiencing in the months before that.  So, if people haven't noticed much difference in me in the past few months, that actually means I have gotten significantly better at managing and not showing the stress and pain.  You may not like that it's that way.  I don't like it either.  But that's what it is.

To add to Virginia Satir, I AM ME, I AM NORMAL, AND I AM OK.

I should've posted this on Friday, but I was having a bad weekend (and beginning of this week) with regards to this whole mess.  DH made a special dinner on Friday and gave me a champagne flute of sparkling cider (since we had some lying around, no specific reason for it to be the cider) when I got home from work in order to celebrate us paying off the last of the medical bills from trying to get the IF checked out.  That takes away a huge drain, since it was killing our finances paying a couple hundred a month.  On the one hand, I am REALLY glad to not have that ruining our budgeting anymore.  On the other, it's depressing to know that we just paid $1400 to learn nothing, money we would have been able to avoid having to pay if DH's company's HR department was willing to do their jobs and give us a copy of what was covered on the insurance plan when he asked for it.

I just keep surviving another day; that's all I can do.  I try to appreciate the things I do have, and not paying a couple hundred in medical bills each month will make it easier to do things that at least make me happier temporarily.

If I were smart, I'd find a way to bottle my tears and see if I can use the brine to pickle something.

At couples therapy tonight, the therapist said that she was surprised at how well I'm handling the infertility and the uncertainty about whether we'll ever be trying again.  That made me feel a LOT better, given how many times I've been told in the past year that I suck at handling it and/or that I really ought to be able to handle things better if I actually want to be a mother.

I feel more alone right now than I have at any other point in this journey.  That's not to say I feel like no one cares.  I thank all y'all that are still reading for expressing/showing that you care.  But I feel like there's no one I can relate to. 

I can't relate to the people who have had their dreams come true and become parents.  I can't relate to the people who don't want kids because they're happy without them.  But I also feel like I can't relate to the infertiles anymore.  They're ALLOWED to try.  Even if they're in a period where they can't afford to try, they're still allowed to if the money can be worked out.  And if they've been told it's not possible at all, they can still try to get the money and the agencies together to try and adopt.  But I don't even know if that's ever going to be allowed.

And so it's hard and I feel alone in a way that is completely different from ever before.  I was going to ask for advice from one friend that I thought could relate, but now that friend is going to be a parent.  What I want is advice from someone that still doesn't know if they'll ever be allowed to try.

Tearing up because someone shared a video of a baby from Yahoo with this comment: "A babys laughter is the greatest joy in life..."

I wouldn't know.

I can understand the idea that God has something He wants me to learn.  I want to learn what He wants me to learn.  However, if all this is supposed to be Him teaching me something, then I feel like a 4th grader put in AP classes, floundering and failing at it while everyone else has to work at it but at least succeeds when they work at it.

I feel like my life is falling apart except for APO and somewhat for work.  This actually has very little to do with the baby thing...that only relates at all because having spent $1400 on medical bills in the past year has contributed to things being difficult.  So because it's not baby-related, it doesn't really fit into the "Jessie's Infertility Journal" part of the blog's name, but it does still fit into the "Notes from the Ninth Circle" part, since that's where I feel like I am.

Recently I felt inspired to write poetry again.  I used to write a lot of poetry in high school, as that was a very emotional time for me that inspired a lot of creativity.  I initially did not share this new poem with DH because of how raw the emotions in it were.  When I did, he encouraged me to post it on here.  This is how I feel right now as I deal with the despair and the waiting and the wondering if I'll ever even have the chance to try again.

WARNING: Do NOT read unless you are up for reading something that taps into the depths of the pain that I experience.  Plenty of people care about me but don't want to know how it really is.  If you are one of those people, stop here.  If you are someone who does want to know how it really is but is having a down day yourself, you might want to wait and read this another day.  This may be overkill on the disclaimer, but I don't want to upset anyone.


Tear tracks stiffen and dry out,
Cracks in my armor,
Cracks in my soul
Leaving oozing open wounds.
My essence drains through
The sieve of my heart
And lies on the floor like sand
To be swept into a corner,
Forgotten.

For a little while last night, the joke that I am (in a Princess Bride voice) inconceivable was incredibly funny.  Then it stopped being funny.

I'm just plain melancholy at this point.  I'll be ok, and I don't need anyone to do anything about it.  It's just hard sometimes, watching everyone else's life move forward.  People at work come back from maternity leave, others go out on maternity leave, another starts to really show.  Even the IF people I know at least have things that they're trying while I'm not allowed to try, even if they're between treatments/official attempts and are still tracking and trying.  I'll manage and survive, because that's what I do, but for now, I'm melancholy.