National Infertility Awareness Week: #StartAsking about Endometriosis

This year, for National Infertility Awareness Week, I would like for people to #StartAsking about endometriosis.  I don't mean asking in a casual way, mentioning to your doctor, "Gee, I wonder if I could have this."  I did that, and it almost killed me because I did not push the issue and get an answer until I was bleeding out on an operating table.

Looking back, it appears that I had symptoms of endometriosis from the beginning of my reproductive life.  In high school, I took Advil by the handful for 10+ days a month because it was the only way I could get through the school day and function.  I saw a doctor my senior year and she gave me a low dose Pill, but the word endometriosis was never mentioned.  My freshman year of college the symptoms got far worse, and I was put on the highest dose Pill that's still made, along with iron pills for the amount of blood I had lost, but still the word endometriosis was never mentioned.  At that point I hadn't heard of endometriosis, but I expected that my doctors would tell me if they suspected something was wrong.  My mom had been on the same strong Pill for most of her life, and so I just figured I was like her.

When I was married the first time and we weren't successful with trying to conceive, we went through test after test, but nothing was ever found, so we had the fun diagnosis of "unexplained infertility."  We looked at hormone levels and whether I could have a blocked tube, but never at endometriosis.  At that point, I obviously wasn't using the Pill to control the pain anymore, but I had a doctor who prescribed a strong NSAID to help.  He never mentioned endometriosis as a possibility even with that, simply helped me manage the pain.

When I started dating my current husband, he wondered whether the infertility could be the result of endometriosis, given my history, but then we conceived my son and the question was put aside until I had a cycle again.  I finally asked the doctor that I saw for follow ups after my son was born, and she just said that the answer to that question probably didn't matter and wasn't worth pursing because pregnancy tends to improve endometriosis and because it couldn't be answered without laproscopic surgery.  I just kept getting and taking the same strong NSAID that the doctor back in Maryland had given me, now prescribed by my Georgia doctors.

And that's where we left it until I learned that I had miscarried my second pregnancy and needed a D&C.  The ultrasound had looked abnormal, but they thought it was a different kind of abnormal, a molar pregnancy with a bicornate uterus.  What I actually had was an ectopic pregnancy, implanted on my ovary because my tube was too blocked by endometriosis for the egg to get through, even with how small an egg is.  The doctors did not learn this until I was bleeding out because they had perforated my uterus in getting to where the baby actually was.

Obviously, I survived, and I still may be able to conceive in the future.  Maybe.  But the question that haunts me is, what if the endometriosis had been diagnosed earlier?  What if I had pushed the question? What if my doctors had raised it, any of the doctors that I had seen over the years?

So please, #StartAsking about endometriosis.  Women, #StartAsking your doctors, and start pushing the question if you are blown off.  Doctors, #StartAsking if a patient exhibits symptoms.  Your patients may or may not choose to have the surgery to find out, but they may not know they have a decision to make unless you raise the question.

#MicroblogMondays: April Fools

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Ah, April Fools Day. the day when I feel like the biggest killjoy in the world.  And yet, I refuse to stop.  Every year, I will post something highlighting that the "I'm pregnant" prank is NOT FUNNY.  Even when I was pregnant, it wasn't funny.  Even when I had a baby and had not yet had my miscarriage, it wasn't funny.  Now that I've lost a baby and a tube and an ovary and haven't been able to conceive again, it sure as hell isn't funny.  Now that two of my closest friends lost their daughter at a day old and haven't conceived again, it sure as hell isn't funny.  I'm not saying people can't have fun on April Fools Day, but show some damned creativity!!!  And anyone who says I'm too sensitive is hereby invited to walk in my shoes or my husband's shoes or those of my friends T and D and then see how they feel.

The Secret Club that No One Wants to Join

I met Senate candidate Karen Handel at an event yesterday.  At this point, Googling her mostly turns up links about her candidacy and about her having been an executive with the Susan G. Komen Foundation.  However, one thing I had learned about her was what had happened when she ran for governor of Georgia. For those that don't know, Handel lost in a primary runoff to Nathan Deal, and one significant factor in this loss (since she had had a significantly larger percentage in the first election) was Georgia Right to Life throwing their support behind Deal.  One of the reasons they gave?  Handel not taking action to ban IVF.

But there's more to it than that.  Karen is one of us.  She and her husband, Steve, tried, including using treatments, for almost ten years and were not able to become parents.  And for that, GRTL called her a "barren" woman.

Those of you who know me in real life know that I am vehemently pro-life.  However, as I become active in political events in Georgia, I cannot and will not support any organization that wants to take away my ability to create life.  I will continue to support pro-life initiatives that do not interfere with IVF, but I will not support those that do.  Because, like Karen Handel, I have been there.

When I met Karen yesterday, the first thing I did was thank her for standing up for infertiles and explain why it was so important to me that she had.  Karen immediately hugged me and said she was sorry for that as we both teared up.  We understood each other.  We had never met before, but we understood each other immediately because of our membership in that secret club.  We talked about how that word "barren" gets used as an accusation and an epithet.  We talked about how it was hard to find people who could relate.  We didn't need to say the words, because we both understood, but it still helped to say them.  Because at the same time that you never want someone else to be a member of the club, it's still helpful to talk to someone that is.

Epic Fail

For the first time ever, RESOLVE put together a scorecard to rank the states (and DC) in how fertility friendly they are.  The rankings were created based on four factors: the insurance mandate climate, the legislative climate, the number of fertility clinics as compared to the number of people dealing with infertility, and the number of RESOLVE support groups.  Before you click on the link, take a guess as to where Georgia is ranked.  I'll wait.

Any guesses?

I talked about this with one of my local friends, who guessed 49th.  In the voice of several game shows, I had to tell that person "LOWER!!"  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Georgia is DEAD LAST in the rankings.

Where is Maryland, you may ask?  Between the mandated IVF coverage and a couple of large clinics, among other factors, Maryland ranks 5th.  Yes, I moved from a state that ended up ranked 5th, where my IVF would have been covered, to the state being pointed out for epic failure.

I still have no idea whether I'll need it, whether it will impact my immediate life which fertility climate I live in.  And no matter what, I'm still happy that I moved here.  But at the same time, I will be looking for what opportunities I can fit in to get involved and advocate, whether it's for myself or for my sisters.

So maybe that's how I'll recognize NIAW, both during the week and after.

Advocacy Day - Yes, Finally

All right, guys, I'm finally getting around to writing about Advocacy Day.

Like I said last week, there was a welcome reception downtown on Tuesday night.  I got to meet Keiko Zoll, as well as several other great ladies, and I went out for tapas with two of them afterwards.  There had been snacks at the reception, but I wanted a little more, and the three of us had a great time!  Plus, I was able to pass along a book I was done with to one of them (brought it to her the next morning).

Wednesday morning, I got downtown bright and early for our training session.  The keynote speaker was Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas, who had been the youngest woman elected to the Senate. 

We then got instruction and guidance on what to say and how to handle questions.  There were two bills that we were advocating for, the Family Act of 2011, a tax credit for 50% of costs associated with in vitro fertilization or preserving fertility for cancer patients, and to extend the Adoption Tax Credit, which is set to expire on December 31 unless it is renewed.  We met with the other advocates from our home states to determine who would cover what talking points for meetings with multiple constituents and to see who wanted to drop by offices of Representatives who did not have a constituent present. 

I said that I would visit Rep. Andy Harris' office, since I live right next to his district.  I met with his tax policy staffer, since the healthcare policy staffer was unavailable, and I explained the impact of infertility and of the lack of coverage for infertility to key groups in the state such as military personnel, federal employees, and employees of small businesses.  I figured those were three good areas to emphasize, with Harris being a Republican.  Since I knew that the staffer was not expecting this and would have to talk to Rep. Harris before saying anything, I got his card and said that I would follow up with him to find out what Rep. Harris thinks of the bills and if he has any questions.  I did make sure to get a picture outside of Rep. Harris' office before trotting off to lunch with a close friend.

After lunch, I had an hour before my meeting with staffers from Steny Hoyer's office, so I walked around the Capitol and did some gawking.  I can't believe that I had never been, despite all the field trips to DC that every kid in Maryland has.  I did take a picture of his office entrance.  He does get the deluxe accommodations, being the Minority Whip.

For this meeting, I had a consultant with me, one of the ones that RESOLVE has hired to help with the lobbying for the Family Act of 2011.  We met with two of Rep. Hoyer's staffers that cover healthcare policy.  One of them was 6 months pregnant, which the consultant had mentioned ahead of time as an aside (since he knew her from other projects).  I was glad to have the warning so I could prepare myself!  We met in one of the big pretty conference rooms, although the grandeur was somewhat spoiled by having to go to the other end of the table to avoid the crumbs from a lunch meeting.  The main thing that I took away from the meeting was that the main work and opportunity for the bill to pass would be after November, once Congress reconvened with its new composition.  Before leaving, I got a pic with the two staffers. 

After this meeting, I had about an hour and a half before my next meeting, with a staffer for Senator Mikulski.  There had been too many advocates from Maryland for each of us to meet with both senators, since the meetings had a max of 10, so I chose to meet with Senator Mikulski's office and not Senator Cardin's.  My cousinish (she's the sister of my cousin's husband) works in the HR department of one of the Senate office buildings, so I went to hang out with her for a little while.  Dianna introduced me to her coworkers and showed me the little subway that runs between the office buildings and the Capitol. 

For the meeting with Senator Mikulski's staffer, I was with three other advocates and another consultant (a different one than before).  One thing that the consultant was trying to encourage was for Senator Mikulski, as the chair of a subcommittee on children and families, to hold a field hearing about infertility at Shady Grove Fertility Center.  Sorry, I did not get a picture in or outside Senator Mikulski's office.  There was a debrief session at the end of the day, but I didn't go because it was on the other side of the Capitol from my last meeting and mostly overlapped with it.  Last picture for this post is one that was actually taken before I went to Rep. Harris' office, of me in front of the Capitol. Overall it was a great day.  I enjoyed meeting people, and it felt good to be doing something real to advocate, something more than just having this blog.  I don't know how much of a difference the blog makes, but if we can get the Family Act passed and the Adoption Tax Credit renewed, that actually helps people.  And that's a big deal.

Anticipation

Ooh, ooh, it's the night before something fun!!  I started getting really excited about Advocacy Day tonight when I went downtown for the Welcome Reception.  I got to meet a blogger I very much admire, Keiko Zoll, and I ended up talking for a while with a couple of great ladies that I then went for tapas with.  I'm looking forward to the training and meeting with people tomorrow (and to lunch with a good friend and seeing my cousinish who works in the Senate building).  I'll let y'all know how it goes!

National Infertility Awareness Week - Don't Ignore the Pain

One thing that I've noticed throughout this infertility journey has been the tendency of some people to want to brush aside the effect that infertility has on me and that pain that I feel as a result of this disease.  From my perspective (which the therapist in me is obligated to point out is a limited one), it seems like the people that know about the infertility and its effect on me are divided into two camps: those who want my infertility to be out of my way and those who want my infertility to be out of their way.

That doesn't mean that the people in the second camp don't care about me.  I know they do.  They show it in other ways and in other areas of my life.  And sometimes they try to help me deal with the infertility, too.  But there's a very distinct difference in how it comes across.

The difference shows in how people talk to me and how they talk about me.  It shows in how they ask me how I'm doing and how they offer advice.  It shows in how they tell me about their pregnancies and how they relate to me after telling me about their pregnancies. It shows in how often they check in to see how I'm doing and in how they react if I tell them I'm having a hard time.  It's the difference between whether they want to support me or whether instead they want to fix me.

I've been surprised at times by who has fallen into one camp or the other.  People that I generally expect to be more of the "fix it and forget it" type have said things that have really touched me or have told me they're available any time I need or want to talk.  People that have been there for me in other areas have offered platitudes or repeated the same advice without listening to what I'm really saying.  

I wrote this poem last winter about how it feels when the pain is ignored:

Tear tracks stiffen and dry out,
Cracks in my armor,
Cracks in my soul
Leaving oozing open wounds.
My essence drains through
The sieve of my heart
And lies on the floor like sand
To be swept into a corner,
Forgotten.

You can't fix the pain of my infertility.  No one can.  But please don't ignore it, either.  Please, ask me how I'm feeling.  Ask me what I need.  Ask how you can support me. 

For more information about infertility, please visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
For more information about National Infertility Awareness Week, please visit http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
For more information about etiquette in talking to your friend or family member about their infertility, please visit http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Validation of Purpose

One of the questions that has been ranging around the ALI blogging community over the past week or so has been the question of why we blog, why we comment, and what our purpose is in each.  At this point, I'm more focused on why I blog (and why I post sometimes about infertility on Facebook, since the reasons are the same), since that's more important to me than why I comment. 

I blog (and post about IF on Facebook) to do my part to stop the silence.  A couple months before starting the blog, I had read an article in Self Magazine about infertility and the silence that surrounds it, and I decided that I wanted to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem.  I had no idea how many blogs there were out there about IF, but I wanted to be a resource for others.  Even when I found out how many there are and that I'm just a small drop in the bucket, I continued to want to be a small part of the solution.  Eventually I found connections to other bloggers that I value greatly, and I value the support I give and receive in our interactions, but other bloggers weren't my original audience.

For that reason, I also post on Facebook about infertility at times, most prominently during National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  The first time I posted about NIAW, someone I had known from middle school messaged me to say that she was infertile too.  We hadn't been particularly close in school, and we had drifted apart since and just kept in touch on Facebook, but since then she has become my closest IF friend.  Even if there had been no other benefits (though there were), speaking out was worth it just for that. 

I got a further validation of why I do what I do last night.  An acquaintance from college messaged me for advice and information as he and his wife look at where is best for them to continue treatment.  We ended up talking for a while, and I'm probably going to end up getting together with him and his wife at some point to talk more.  It struck me at the time, this is why I am out there.  Someone that I don't know well at all, who I had last had contact with over a year ago, came to me because he knew about my infertility, because I hadn't been silent.  I had been part of the solution.

Raising Awareness

First of all, I'd like to congratulate Katie at From IF to When on her 2011 Hope Award for Best Blog!!!  There's also an article in today's Wall Street Journal about infertility.  I had seen an excerpt from this online a few days ago, but I enjoyed reading the full article.

The bigger (ok, to me) item related to raising awareness, though, was an email I got from RESOLVE yesterday and was finally able to read in depth today:

Dear Jessie,
Bloggers are so important to the infertility community.  You share your stories and insights into a very personal journey.  We have another way for you to raise awareness.  RESOLVE has partnered with a major women’s magazine to develop an exciting project to raise public awareness about infertility.  We need your help to make this a success.

A big part of this awareness campaign will be a video component.  We need a number of RESOLVE community members to submit the first videos.  Your videos will serve as examples and inspiration for when we ask the larger audience to submit videos when the campaign launches in November.  

So here is your script:  “I wish I’d known…”  

Then it’s up to you.  What message do you want to share?  Tell us what you wish you’d known about fertility drugs… or about adoption...or about IVF...or about being a foster parent...etc.  Tell people who haven’t dealt with infertility how you would like to be treated.  

Videos should be short and sweet – one to three minutes. We are taking a grassroots approach to this, so don’t worry about fancy production.  Uploading your video will also be easy.  Videos will need to be submitted by September 1.

If you would like to participate, here’s what we need from you now:  send an e-mail to Andy at aschwarz@resolve.org with your name, age, state, and what topic you plan to talk about. You do not have to send a video right now. 

Andy will follow up with you in the upcoming weeks with a few more details as well as those upload instructions.  Thank you for considering lending your voice (and face!) to this exciting public awareness campaign!

 I already told DH I'll be needing help with filming my video about the things I wish I had known about insurance coverage of infertility.  Like when I participated in the Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge and when I emailed and called my Senators about the Family Act of 2011, I feel good about being able to do something other than just my random posts to advocate for infertility awareness and consideration.

2011 Hope Awards

When I voted for the Hope Award for Best Blog, I found out that there are other Hope Awards besides the publicly-voted Best Blog and Best Book.  I was interested to see that the Hope Award for Achievement was given to SELF magazine for their article about infertility last year, "This Woman has a Secret".  This is particularly special to me because that article was the main thing that inspired me to start this blog.

Also, when I read the finalists for Best Blog, I came across a great post from Whitney & Erick.  What Whitney wrote about the statements of "just relax" really resonated with me.  The rest of this post is copied from her (and thus contains some medical details that I hope don't apply to me).

The truth
First and foremost, infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age.  The definition of a disease is “disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure, or system of the body.” Infertility is due to some malfunction in the body, whether it be hormonal or structural.  Ergo, a disease.  Even for people with unexplained infertility, clearly something is wrong, but the reproductive system is complicated and sometimes it’s hard to diagnose.  In my case, I do have several diagnosed problems including a uterine abnormality, luteal phase defect, Factor V Leiden, and autoimmune issues.
Without medical help, there is nothing I can do to have a baby.  And, possibly not even with medical help.  Nothing short of a miracle from God, that is.  And, while I pray for that all the time, I can’t count on it.  If you apply this “relax” thinking to the rest of your life, imagine this. Sitting around and waiting for a great job to land in your lap.  Waiting to magically learn something new without studying.  That doesn’t work – just like everything else, you have to work for it.  And, just because some people didn’t have to work hard to have a baby, doesn’t mean I don’t have to. A little Marvin Gaye and a bottle of wine might work for some, but for me the recipe involves follitropin alfa injections, human chorionic gonadotrophins, anti-coagulants, steroids and lots of poking and prodding.
When people tell me to “just relax,” it’s insulting.  Even though most people have good intentions when they say it, it hurts.  It somehow insinuates that I have done something wrong. It makes it my fault.  I know it’s not true, but it still hurts. It’s an accusation that somehow because of my inability to “relax,” I cannot have a baby.  If only that were true, and that easy, I would have a 4-year-old by now.
Besides,  I don’t feel “stressed” about my situation all the time.  Usually just at key decision points.  Everyone does and would.  This has become part of my life, and I have learned to live with it.  Usually, it’s a quiet sadness, not a throbbing stress.  I talk about it all the time, but that’s because it’s cathartic to do so. To imply that I should be able to make life-altering decisions without a little stress is absurd. I’m pretty sure that lots of regular women who get pregnant all the time are stressing about their job, their kids, their relationships or something.  Stress is not the problem.
Those of us struggling to conceive have been through hell.  We’ve put our lives on hold.  We have put our bodies through the ringer. Our relationships have suffered. We’ve had to deal with loss. We’re emotionally spent. We deal with failure on an almost permanent basis. We’re tired, frustrated and beaten down.  Relax is not something we want to hear and it’s not the answer to our problems.

What people say [and my response]

• Maybe if you just stop trying/relax/forget about it/etc. “My cousin’s friend’s sister-in-law tried for a long time and then they gave up and what-do-you-know, they got pregnant. You never know…” [ Well, I pretty much gave up a while ago, but I'm still not a mommy.  Also, all of those months in between the IVFs, I haven't "been trying."  And, not all infertility is equal. Unless you know the nitty gritty details of your friend thrice-removed and my reproductive history, how can you compare?  Your friend trying for 6 months and going on Clomid and giving up and then getting pregnant does not even remotely resemble anything to do with me or my situation. For the record, in this scenario, that would not even constitute an infertility diagnosis at all.  Usually the threshold is one year of trying.]
• You need to stop thinking of all of this.  [There have been times when we have taken a break from this battle.  That didn't work. And, like or not, infertility has become part of me. It doesn't define me, but it's always there lurking in the background.]
• Take a vacation.  [I've taken many during the five plus years we've been trying to conceive. Really gotten away from it all. Gone half way around the world.  Sailed in the Mediterranean.  Slept in the rainforest.  Hiked a volcano.  And, I didn't think about infertility at all.  Nope, that didn't work. But, man, if it did, that would be awesome. Pregnant and lots of travel.  Perfect!]
• You should meditate. [That might be a good thing to do, but it's not going to get me a baby.]
• Mind over matter. [Well, I have visualized a happy outcome, but it just hasn't worked. Besides if I could just conjure up anything I wanted, I would not only have a baby, I would also live in a custom house on the beach, travel the world, have great muscle tone and speak five languages.]
• You need to think positive. [It used to be easier to be more positive.  Along with that positivity, I was also naive and blissfully ignorant. It's not that I'm not positive, but I'm a realist. I always hope for the best, but am prepared for the worst.]
• You need to stop being so stressed.  [If you are experiencing stress and then feel pressure to not be stressed, the stress just multiplies.  And, for me, there have been times that I have been stressed and times I have not. Not being stressed did not give us a healthy pregnancy.  Also, when undergoing IVF, since all of the hormones are administered, stress does not play a part. See this study.]

A Sense of Purpose

I was reading another blog post today, and it made me think about mine.  Amazing how this whole blogging community thing works, isn't it?  :-p  Anyway, one of the blogs I follow, From IF to When, is one of only 4 nominees for the Team RESOLVE Choice Best Blog Award.  This was Katie's reaction (aside from trying to not spit her dinner on the floor):

"Last year, I was shocked to be nominated. This year, I'm floored. I don't blog nearly as much as I used to. I am whiny. I have no infertility success story (yet), and I'm not going through treatments. So, uh, what the hell?"

When I looked at the description on the RESOLVE website about the Best Blog Award, they described what they were looking for as someone "whose blog posts raise awareness about what life is like when you’re faced with infertility."  DH and some others have had difficulty understanding how working to raise awareness about infertility fits with posts like this where I'm complaining.

In some ways, that's probably my fault, because, as I looked back at the beginning posts of this blog, I see that I didn't say anything about the purpose of this blog other than that I refuse to be silent about my/our infertility like so many other people.  That has left me in the position of having to choose between justifying myself and my posts and telling people that if they don't like it they can screw themselves, which anyone who knows me well can tell you just is not how I do things.  Even worse, it has left DH in the position of trying to justify what he doesn't fully understand himself, as some people have addressed their thoughts about the blog to him instead of me.

The wording that RESOLVE uses really struck me as a good description for what I'm trying to do (even if I'm not one of the 4 best people in the country at doing it).  I raise awareness about what life is like when you're faced with infertility.  I don't raise awareness about what people would like life to be like when you're faced with infertility.  I don't put a pretty little bow on infertility to make people feel good about being nice to infertile people/supporting legislation that addresses infertility.  I share with people the real, (almost entirely) unvarnished truth about what my life is like facing infertility.  Sometimes that includes things that people don't like.  Sometimes that includes things that I don't like.  Sometimes those two overlap.  But whether you or I like them or not, whether they're pretty or not, they are "what life is like when [I am] facing infertility."  For people who need their description or understanding of this blog to fit in a neat little box (and there's nothing wrong with needing that, people have different ways of understanding and processing things), here is your neat little box.

Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge

Yes, I finally figured out, 8 months later, how to put a title on my posts.  Computers aren't my thing, ok?

To commemorate National Infertility Awareness Week, RESOLVE.org is sponsoring the Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge.  I chose two related myths to address in the same post, one related to domestic adoption in general and the other related to foster-to-adopt programs. 

Myth: There are many unwanted babies available for domestic adoption.     

Myth: You will eventually be able to adopt the child.

Both of these myths relate to fears that I have about if we need to go the route of adoption.  I'm scared to death of how crushed I would be to get close to being a parent and then for it not to happen.  There's another couple whose blog I follow who have been accepted by an adoption agency and then weren't hearing anything for a long while.  They checked to make sure that they were being considered and that their profile was being shown, and they found out that birth mothers were looking at their profile and not choosing them.  I worry that I/we won't look good enough for a mother to want us to raise their child.  I know that no couple and no family is perfect, but the people that care enough about their baby to go through a reputable agency also care enough to want the best for their child.  There's always going to be someone better than me/us out there, someone who can afford to give their new child the best of everything, someone who did not spend all of whatever savings they were able to gather in order to get into line to be passed over by every mother.  After all, once I'm able to switch to my company's insurance, IVF and other ART will be covered, but adoption will not...

Foster-to-adopt programs have been suggested to me as a more affordable option, and one where people are needed.  I've tended to be at least somewhat resistant to the idea, although I haven't ruled it out for sure.  The biggest reason I've been resistant is because of what I do for a living.  I am, after all, a social worker.  In my current job, I don't work with the foster care system.  I have in previous jobs, however, and the main thing that experience did is strengthen the feeling I came out of grad school with that I never wanted to work in the foster care system.  No, I don't think all DSS workers are bad or incompetent or anything like that.  But I certainly don't want to be a social worker all day and then come home and have to fight with the foster care system on behalf of my own child.  I want home to be, while not easy, at least different from work!  

Another aspect of the foster-to-adopt system came up when I was discussing things with my therapist tonight, though.  With many of the kids I had worked with, I had seen in their histories situations where the parental rights were about to be terminated so the child would be eligible for adoption when the birth parents suddenly tried to get things together so they could get their child back.  Sometimes the parents did get their children back and then lost them again or took them back to DSS and said, "Take them."  Sometimes, the situation dragged on, the parents never did get their act together, and the child did become eligible to be adopted, but a long time and a lot of pain later.  Either way, it's extremely heart-wrenching for the parents that want to adopt.  I don't know that I could do that, become attached to a child and then have that child taken away.  And possibly more than once??  I don't even want to think about that!

So yeah, long story short, adoption is at least as fraught as assisted reproductive technologies.

Basic information about infertility  http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Background of National Infertility Awareness Week  http://www.resolve.org/takecharge 

What IF I can never just be happy with what I have and stop being angry, bitter, and sad about what I do not (from Cathy)?

This post is a part of Project IF, a collection of infertility-related bloggers exploring their own personal What IFs to mark National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30).

This is a What IF that I struggle with every day, multiple times a day.  A What IF that I can't even read without tearing up.  It's a What IF that a number of my friends are sick of me for because they are sick of me bringing them down and bothering them with my problems.  They don't understand why I can't just be happy with what I have and stop being jealous and angry and bitter.

Well, neither do I.  I don't understand why I can't be happy to enjoy other people's kids and give them back to their parents when they start crying or need a diaper change.  I don't understand why I can't be satisfied with mothering and taking care of everyone around me like I used to be.  I don't understand why having a good job and a loving husband and caring friends and helping others doesn't meet my needs and fulfill me anymore.

It's enough for other people.  It used to be enough for me.  I don't understand why it stopped being enough.  Is it my biological clock?  Is it the fact that I thought I was going to get to have it in the foreseeable future rather than in some undefined "someday"?  Is it that I'm actually a selfish brat who starts throwing a hissy fit anytime she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it how she wants it?

Whatever it is, the fact that I haven't been able to get rid of the anger and bitterness and jealousy and sadness and despair is not for lack of trying.  I have been working extremely hard and praying multiple times a day, multiple times an hour sometimes, trying to rid myself of the negative and focus on the positives in my life and in the lives of people I care about.  I have had small successes, moments when I've been able to be genuinely happy for someone, times when I have been able to sincerely pray for people about whom I had been feeling not just envy but bitterness.  I try to recognize and appreciate them, but the message comes from some channels that I'm still so far below what is acceptable for dealing with this that those small successes aren't even worth noticing.

What IF I was able to celebrate myself and feel supported by the people I care about most for the small successes until there are bigger accomplishments to celebrate?

For more information on Project IF, go to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if-part-two/

Basic information about Infertility can be found at: www.resolve.org/infertility101

Background information about National Infertility Awareness Week is available at: www.resolve.org/takecharge

From Resolve.org, Myths and Facts about Infertility:

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.