Saturday, January 29, 2011

OK, now that we're down to whoever still actually wants to know how I feel and read this blog, I'll get into the other reason I hadn't posted for so long.  Something happened December 21, and I didn't want to post about it for a while because that would make it more real.  I'm not even sure if the point of the blog still exists because of it.

Simply put, we've stopped trying.  It wasn't my choice.  DH initially said that he wanted to stop trying because he thought it would take pressure off of me.  When I informed him that was not the case, he said that he wanted to stop trying in order to take pressure off of himself.  That was a lot easier to accept because DH was saying what HE needed rather than making assumptions about what I needed.

In addition to this, DH and I have been having problems.  To give y'all a picture while not disclosing more than he may want, over the past year and a half plus, he has been less and less the man I met and married.  He has been more snappish, less patient, more selfish, and less considerate of me and others.  People have said over the past year or so that it's probably being caused by me obsessing and whining over not having a baby.  However, these changes predate me being worried at all about not conceiving and therefore predate me doing or saying anything to make him like this.  Work has been the real trigger.  It has seemed like a full on personality change, and at times he has shown no interest in changing back.

Things have been much better over the past week, since we both got back from a youth retreat we were chaperoning, but before that, I was wondering if the person he wanted to be was a person I wanted to be married to.  From things he was saying, it seemed like he was wondering the same thing about me.  We've started couples counseling, but we have a long way to go before we're ready to bring a child into this marriage.

On top of that, DH has said that he's no longer sure how much he actually wants kids.  He said that it's easier to think of wanting kids when you're 21 and not in a serious relationship and not seeing all the possibilities you give up to have kids.  He has also said that if our IF issues got to the point where the only option was IVF, he was reluctant to go that route because he doesn't like the idea of "playing God."  My belief has always been that it is God who gives the doctors the knowledge and that if He doesn't want us to have a baby, it won't work, but that's my belief, not his.

What this all ends up meaning is that at this point, I have the VERY strong feeling, almost a conviction, that DH and I are never going to have kids together.  Before this week, I felt that one way this might happen was DH leaving me (because I wouldn't leave him) and me maybe having kids with someone else or maybe not.  The other possible path, which I still see as extremely likely, is that by the time our marriage is in a better place, DH will have decided he doesn't want kids after all, not even to adopt, because it would interfere with his life too much.

This belief is strong enough that I've hidden away the books and a magazine that I had bought and received about gestation and birth.  I'm giving away the baby things that I had received from a friend who no longer needed them...all they're doing is wasting space in my attic when they will never be needed.  I'll still go through with getting my fertility checked out once my insurance changes, but the ONLY reason I'll be doing it is in case something needs to be fixed before it affects my overall health.

The vast majority of the time, I have no feelings about this.  None at all.  Last week, I went to a coworker's baby shower, and I felt nothing.  Nothing about knowing it would never be me.  Nothing about another coworker being there with her 2-month-old.  Nothing about finding out that yet another coworker is pregnant.  Nothing. 

And the world is better off that way.  DH doesn't have to deal with my feelings on top of everything else he's stressed about.  My friends don't have to be burdened with them.  I can go to baby showers without breaking down, apparently.  (For my friends whose showers I haven't been able to go to, one in particular, I'm sorry this didn't happen before yours.)  No one has to manage me or worry about me.  Therefore, Operation Feel Nothing is in full effect to try and cover the couple of times here and there when I do have feelings about never being a parent.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Several people have asked or said they were wondering about why I haven't touched this blog in over a month.  There are a couple of reasons, and one I won't be getting into tonight but will later.

The other is that I found out last month that apparently most of my friends roll their eyes if this blog is mentioned, and I'm still trying to decide what to do about that.  I've debated keeping everything the same, killing the blog entirely, keeping the blog and killing the Facebook page for it, and making the blog completely private.

Over the past week and a half, I've had absolutely no feelings at all, no matter what, and it seems like the world is better off when it's that way.  After all, at this point, DH can't handle my feelings (when I have them) and my friends don't want to.  That's not entirely across the board; I do have a couple of friends who have shown in the past month that they care and are willing to listen.  But overall I get the impression that almost everyone is sick of me and just wants me to shut up and deal without bothering them.

One of my friends, who recently conceived after 43 months of trying, told me that she had felt the need at one point to say on her blog, "If you don't like what I write, quit reading."  Like I said, I haven't decided what exactly I'm going to do about this blog or how much I'm still going to use it.  For whatever ends up being here, though, if you don't want to hear about how I feel about this, please just leave it alone.  If you feel comfortable telling me you don't want to hear about it, I'd appreciate it so that I know not to talk to you about it at all.  If not, I can understand that, just bear in mind that I won't know not to talk to you, so you might hear me talking about it in person or over some form of instant messaging.