Monday, February 28, 2011

I feel like my life is falling apart except for APO and somewhat for work.  This actually has very little to do with the baby thing...that only relates at all because having spent $1400 on medical bills in the past year has contributed to things being difficult.  So because it's not baby-related, it doesn't really fit into the "Jessie's Infertility Journal" part of the blog's name, but it does still fit into the "Notes from the Ninth Circle" part, since that's where I feel like I am.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Recently I felt inspired to write poetry again.  I used to write a lot of poetry in high school, as that was a very emotional time for me that inspired a lot of creativity.  I initially did not share this new poem with DH because of how raw the emotions in it were.  When I did, he encouraged me to post it on here.  This is how I feel right now as I deal with the despair and the waiting and the wondering if I'll ever even have the chance to try again.

WARNING: Do NOT read unless you are up for reading something that taps into the depths of the pain that I experience.  Plenty of people care about me but don't want to know how it really is.  If you are one of those people, stop here.  If you are someone who does want to know how it really is but is having a down day yourself, you might want to wait and read this another day.  This may be overkill on the disclaimer, but I don't want to upset anyone.

Tear tracks stiffen and dry out,
Cracks in my armor,
Cracks in my soul
Leaving oozing open wounds.
My essence drains through
The sieve of my heart
And lies on the floor like sand
To be swept into a corner,

Saturday, February 19, 2011

For a little while last night, the joke that I am (in a Princess Bride voice) inconceivable was incredibly funny.  Then it stopped being funny.

Friday, February 18, 2011

I'm just plain melancholy at this point.  I'll be ok, and I don't need anyone to do anything about it.  It's just hard sometimes, watching everyone else's life move forward.  People at work come back from maternity leave, others go out on maternity leave, another starts to really show.  Even the IF people I know at least have things that they're trying while I'm not allowed to try, even if they're between treatments/official attempts and are still tracking and trying.  I'll manage and survive, because that's what I do, but for now, I'm melancholy.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

I really need to find something good to say when people ask if I have kids.  When I say no, people always ask why not or whether I want kids.  Saying I don't want kids would be a lie, but saying I hope to have kids someday would also be a lie because I don't have anything resembling hope anymore.

DH has been doing a LOT better over the past two weeks...he's actually been someone I recognize as the man I met and married.  Among many other differences, he's been caring and concerned when something related to babies or infertility comes up even though I don't react or have feelings.

I keep trying to convince myself that I can be happy without kids.  Or with my only "kids" being youth at church and the APO brothers I work with.

One of my friends from work is an older divorced woman.  She and I were talking today, and she said that she did not have kids because her second husband did not want to.  She said that she very much regrets that decision.

I was talking to my mom tonight, and she was telling me that when my dad wanted to join the National Guard, she knew that it would cause problems and complications but that she also knew that she couldn't tell him no.  Apparently my dad and her discussed a lot and my dad truly did give Mom a choice, but she knew that being a soldier was enough ingrained in who he was and what he needed that it wouldn't be right to tell him no.  Even when Dad's Guard schedule caused problems and conflicts down the road, she says she never regretted saying yes.

I think about that, though, and I wonder, which one of me and DH is supposed to be my mom in that situation and which is supposed to be my dad?

I don't want a situation where DH resents me or our hypothetical kids because of the things he doesn't get to do.  I also wouldn't want to leave DH and marry someone who does want kids.  I made a vow, "till death do us part," and even if what he wants out of life has changed from what he wanted a decade ago, I sill made that vow.  At the same time, while most of that dream of being a mother has withered up and died, there are still bits of it in there like a cancer, waiting to grow and take over again.  Mom says I can't use not feeling anything as a permanent solution.  But where does that leave me?

Tuesday, February 01, 2011