Thursday, August 25, 2016

Alphabet Soup

Today is essentially day 1, since it started late in the evening yesterday.  Last night was pretty miserable.  I kinda just sat there like a lump after the kids were in bed with random tears rolling down my face at random times.  And today I had a random weird cramp that I've never had before, where the pain radiated down to my big toe.

But the one good thing about day 1 is that it meant I could call GRS (the big local fertility clinic) to schedule my HSG.  I got voice mail on the scheduling line and they never called back, so I need to call again tomorrow, but at least we're in the cycle where I can get it done.  It looks like it will be on September 7, since that clinic only does them on Wednesdays.

One thing that I'm scared of now, though, is the possibility of the dye flinging endometrial cells around my abdomen in the process of finding out whether my remaining tube is plugged.  I have no idea whether that's a reasonable fear or not.

Monday, August 08, 2016

#MicroblogMondays: Christmas

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Don't worry, I haven't seen decorations in the stores yet!!!  My husband and I are watching an episode of Cake Wars so old that it's Christmas-themed, and all the commercials are Christmassy as well.  Last year, Papa Bear and I basically went through the minimal motions on Christmas for the kids and punted the rest of the effort to my parents, since we went there for the day.  The baby we lost had been due right at the beginning of January, and so we had been expecting to spend Christmas getting ready for a birth.  We also had the tree fall twice and break a lot of my deceased mom's ornaments on the first year we had them to put on the tree.  So we were just DONE with Christmas.  I was afraid that Christmas would be forever ruined, which would really suck because of how much I loved Christmas before.  But seeing the commercials tonight, I'm actually kinda excited about Christmas for this year.  I don't know how I'll feel when we get closer to it, but for now, it's a good sign.

Monday, August 01, 2016

#MicroblogMondays: Wading Into New Waters

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I've been seeing an ad on my Facebook for MyEndometriosisTeam, a social network for women with endo.  I've been thinking about joining and just not having the time, but from when I first saw it until my computer had to restart, the tab was open in Chrome waiting for me.  Tonight, I clicked to join, and now my anxiety is in full swing.  I'm sitting here typing and playing a silly Facebook game and not saying anything out loud to my family while my skin feels too tight for my body and my muscles are rigid.  I don't know why I'm reacting this strongly.  Maybe it's my social anxiety and the fear of putting myself out there to meet new people and people not being interested in connecting with me.  Here, most of my connections are people I've known for years on here, even if I was gone for a long time.  And here feels safe.  It could also be fear of what I'll find out, or of not learning and gaining anything useful.  I don't know.  But here goes, I guess.

Monday, July 18, 2016

#MicroblogMondays: Vacation Hangover

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

We made it back.  Left Delaware at 9:45 Saturday morning and went to Baltimore for the Scout shop and a crab house before heading to North Carolina.  Got to hotel in High Point at 2 AM, thanks to the hell that is I-95 between DC and Richmond.  I should've gone with my instincts and taken 301.  Made it home at 10:45 last night after dropping the oldest at Scout camp in NC and getting semi-lost in the Pisgah National Forest.  Happy to have gotten crabs and happy to have found a random swimming hole in the middle of the forest.

Monday, July 11, 2016

#Microblog Mondays: At The Beach

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

At the beach with my stepfamily, the best week of every year!  The water was warm today (considering that it's Delaware) and Papa Bear got one of the kids over a massive fear of the ocean. I'm also loving seeing my son getting to meet and play with two other cousins his age.  He sure looks like them, for someone who shares no genes!  The only hard part has been the knowledge that my second baby should have been here being passed around and trying to catch up with the youngest cousin, who is crawling.

The other baby in the top picture has the same first name as my son and is one month older.  The one in the bottom pic is 5 months younger.  My aunt got my son and the other one in the bottom pic mixed up last night!

Thursday, July 07, 2016

Answers and Questions

Well, I don't have fibroids, at least.  I hadn't been sure how to feel at first, because at least it would have been an answer, but Papa Bear had pointed out the possible complications from fibroids and I felt better about not having them.  That still leaves no real answers about the extent of my current...experience, though, because it's symptoms beyond what is expected with endo.  Best guess is hormone changes, but apparently there's not really much of any research on hormones in people who lose an ovary.

The answer about the fibroids was mostly washed away by the whole nightmare experience of the ultrasound, though.  The last time I was lying on that table, I was being told that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.  To make it worse, it was the same tech, and she didn't remember that fact until Papa Bear reminded her.  She didn't even see in my chart about what happened last year, so she was asking me about why I didn't have a right ovary.  At least the doctor said they have 2 ultrasound techs at this point, so if I get that far, I can ask for the other one.

Since I don't have fibroids, getting that far now looks to rest on Clomid.  The doctor still wants me to get an HSG to make sure my remaining tube is clear, and it looks like we'll be doing that in September.  Provided it's clear (or gets clear from the dye going through), we'll start Clomid after that.  One thing we're not sure of is how much of a real LH surge I'm having to even trigger ovulation, since last month I had the line on the OPK get darker than it had been but not darker than the control line.  But the doctor said if that's what's wrong, Clomid will help.

He did also say that Clomid tends to make people feel cranky and have less energy.  For those who have tried it, what has your experience been?

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Now What?

I was stupid.  I thought maybe I was having symptoms of implantation.  I should have known better.  Instead, today I got CD1, a good 5 days early.  I guess the one thing I can do right is not have it interfere with being at the beach next week?

The complicating factor aside from hating myself for letting myself hope is that tomorrow is my ultrasound to see if there are any fibroids causing problems.  Supposedly the ultrasound can be done at any time during the cycle, but when I called the office today, they said that it would be better if it wasn't a heavy flow.  She also said that if I had to reschedule, it would be several weeks before there would be another opening (because of the need for the doctor and the ultrasound tech to be there on the same day).  Hopefully it will be light enough by then?  I want to get some damned answers finally!!!