Wednesday, August 30, 2017


The hysteroscopy is going to cost as much as an IUI cycle.  I didn't want to think about it, but I raised the question of what if we decided to just stop here and not get into all this, but Papa Bear said he would want me to do the hysteroscopy and remove the polyp anyway because of the fear of cancer.  I don't think my mom's cancer was genetic, but it was such a freak kind of cancer that we don't know for sure.  Now we're having to look at which of the trips we had planned this fall (related to volunteer work but also then involving seeing friends we never see) we can cut so we can afford this shit.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Where to next?

Yesterday was our follow-up consult with the new doctor, now that testing is all done.  I felt too shitty about it to post last night, so I'm taking the plunge on that now.  We knew about the SHG and needing the hysteroscopy and still being scared of complications.  What we didn't know until yesterday is that my AMH has dropped from 0.87 in August 2016 to 0.47 in July 2017.  We also didn't know until yesterday that here in Georgia an IVF cycle costs twice what it did in Maryland 5 years ago.  Because of that, we're going to try IUI for a round or two, despite the odds only being 10-15% with my age and only one ovary.  I don't have much of any hope of it working, but we can at least afford to try it by then.  If it goes to IVF, we only get one shot.  We had to finance a car in January when we hadn't been planning to.  We might be able to get financing through a medical financing group to finance the cost equivalent of one brand-new sedan for a single cycle.  I highly doubt anyone in their right mind would finance us for the equivalent of two or more brand new cars, even with it being a medical loan rather than a commercial loan.

I hate my body for betraying us in this way.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Antral Follicle Count

The clinic called today with the results of my day 3 ultrasound and confirming the SHG results.  I had 9 antral follicles, which the nurse called "really good" for only one ovary.  I'm used to having more, but I know I was younger then.  For 35, is that actually good or is she trying to make me feel better?

The nurse did also confirm that the doctor wants to do a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp.  She said we don't have to rush to schedule it immediately, that it can wait until after our next appointment on August 8 (we're going out of town next week, and we have the older kids the week after).  I know Papa Bear and I are going to have a LOT of questions for the doctor, so I'm glad he can come to that appointment.  Another reason I'm glad to have moved to a clinic closer to home.  We had been talking about doing the hysteroscopy on a Thursday or Friday when we won't have the older kids that weekend so I can rest without worrying them, but we're going to have the kids every weekend in August.  There's also the question of how much it will be, given the deductible issue.  Overall, Papa Bear is freaking out as much as I am, if not more, and for the same reasons.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

#MicroblogMondays: SHG Results

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I had an SHG for the first time today.  I have a small-to-average polyp at the top of my uterus, and a band of tissue that may be endometrial overgrowth.  The nurse practitioner thinks the doctor will want to do a hysteroscopy and remove the polyp.  I'm terrified, and so is my husband.  The last time I went under anesthesia for a "minor 30-minute procedure" I woke up 2 1/2 hours later to find out I no longer had an ovary or tube on the right side.  And to add to the fun, right after we met our deductible and found out the IVF coverage had been raised, my husband's company got sold and we now have a new deductible and no coverage for IUI, IVF, or medicated cycles/monitoring.

Friday, April 28, 2017

NIAW 2017: Listen Up - I Will Not Be Silent

I wasn’t sure what to write for National Infertility Awareness Week this year.  I haven’t been having much time to blog, and I haven’t been very connected to the ALI community online, which doesn’t seem to have the vibrancy that it did several years ago.  But I still need to do something for NIAW, and at this point that means writing.

The theme for this year’s NIAW is Listen Up.  That theme says a lot to me because of where I’ve been and where I’ve come on this journey.  I originally started my blog to encourage people to listen and to not be part of the problem of silence and shame that surrounds infertility.  Along the way, I encountered a wide range of willingness to listen and understand.  There have been people who told me they were glad I was speaking up because they did not feel like they could do the same.  There have been people who were supportive and glad to learn more.  There have been people who have shared information for me to listen to, and who listened in return.

There have also been a large number of people who don’t want to listen, who just want me to shut up and be a good little girl and not talk about things that people don’t want to hear about.  The people who told me that no one really wants to know how I feel.  The people who told me that infertility isn’t something to be open about.  The people who acted like they wanted to listen, told me they wanted me to talk to them about how they felt, and then hid from me, talked about me behind my back for being open, used my feelings and my needs against me.

To them I say, Listen Up.  I am here, I am open, and I am not going anywhere.  I will not sit down and shut up and let you pretend that infertility is a dirty little secret that people deserve or that nice people don’t talk about.  I refuse to be silent, because in silence hides shame.  I refuse to be ashamed for having a medical condition, and I refuse to be ashamed for wanting a child or for wanting another child.  I refuse to be ashamed of my feelings and my experience.  So Listen Up.

Friday, February 03, 2017


Quote of the day: "If you want to have kids, you should try using Depo.  I got pregnant with 2 of my 4 kids while I was on it, and a third one while I was on the Pill."

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

#MicroblogMondays: In the Minor Leagues

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too

We are taking this month off from going to the RE, but not taking this month off from trying.  I hadn't mentioned it before, because I've been too busy dealing with the aftereffects of it, but I was in an accident on December 14 that totaled my car.  (I was lucky enough to not be majorly injured, but still have some bruising a month later and need PT for my back now.)  We are still finishing up buying a car, and the logistics of trying to get to the RE while sharing one car are prohibitive. (Mel, since the Beltway and the Perimeter are the same size, it's as if I lived in Gaithersburg and worked in Poolesville while the clinic is where 95 and 495 meet by College Park.)  We both have mixed emotions about skipping the medicated cycle.  Since we're back to a deductible, it lets more of the HSA build up before we try (although an ER visit for one of the kids may have killed both the deductible and the HSA balance).  And Papa Bear wants me to have more time to recover and start the PT sessions before adding more medications to my body again.

But it feels weird to have a new plan and be waiting to implement it.  Remember how we had 4 eggs in November and was told not to try and tried anyway?  Well, in December, we did 2.5 mg of Femara instead and got FIVE eggs.  Because my body is that damned crazy.  So now my RE wants to cut the smallest Clomid pills in half and do 25 mg of Clomid.  But we're not doing it this month.  At least no one can tell us this month that we have too many eggs and can't try!  I may be benched in the major leagues, but at least I can play in the minors?