Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Sped-Up Alphabet Soup

Turns out that with my CD1 being on a Thursday and the clinic only doing HSGs on Wednesdays, they want to do it tomorrow instead of next Wednesday.  So it has been a mad rush trying to get the right form sent in by my doctor and get the antibiotic called in and picked up and the insurance information in.  And now I find out that I have to pay for it tomorrow rather than being able to have a little spare time while they ran it through insurance, since there's still thousands of dollars left on our deductible.  I was hoping to be paying it AFTER rent was paid; I just felt more comfortable that way.  So much for that.

And now I'm scared.  Scared that the pain will be worse than I remember.  Scared that it will be bad enough that I won't feel up to orchestra rehearsal that night.  Scared of even getting there on time because I had to put in a client appointment at noon when I have to be there at 1:45 and the clinic is an hour away from my office.  And scared of what they will find.  Scared that my other tube is broken too.  Scared that I'm going to need more surgery to "fix" the endometriosis.  Scared that even with more surgery my tube won't be salvageable.  Just, scared.  I found myself crying as I was driving today.  I don't remember being scared before my last one, but before that one I was so desperate for answers.  Now I have enough answers to know that having more answers may hurt more than it helps.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Alphabet Soup

Today is essentially day 1, since it started late in the evening yesterday.  Last night was pretty miserable.  I kinda just sat there like a lump after the kids were in bed with random tears rolling down my face at random times.  And today I had a random weird cramp that I've never had before, where the pain radiated down to my big toe.

But the one good thing about day 1 is that it meant I could call GRS (the big local fertility clinic) to schedule my HSG.  I got voice mail on the scheduling line and they never called back, so I need to call again tomorrow, but at least we're in the cycle where I can get it done.  It looks like it will be on September 7, since that clinic only does them on Wednesdays.

One thing that I'm scared of now, though, is the possibility of the dye flinging endometrial cells around my abdomen in the process of finding out whether my remaining tube is plugged.  I have no idea whether that's a reasonable fear or not.

Monday, August 08, 2016

#MicroblogMondays: Christmas

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Don't worry, I haven't seen decorations in the stores yet!!!  My husband and I are watching an episode of Cake Wars so old that it's Christmas-themed, and all the commercials are Christmassy as well.  Last year, Papa Bear and I basically went through the minimal motions on Christmas for the kids and punted the rest of the effort to my parents, since we went there for the day.  The baby we lost had been due right at the beginning of January, and so we had been expecting to spend Christmas getting ready for a birth.  We also had the tree fall twice and break a lot of my deceased mom's ornaments on the first year we had them to put on the tree.  So we were just DONE with Christmas.  I was afraid that Christmas would be forever ruined, which would really suck because of how much I loved Christmas before.  But seeing the commercials tonight, I'm actually kinda excited about Christmas for this year.  I don't know how I'll feel when we get closer to it, but for now, it's a good sign.

Monday, August 01, 2016

#MicroblogMondays: Wading Into New Waters

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I've been seeing an ad on my Facebook for MyEndometriosisTeam, a social network for women with endo.  I've been thinking about joining and just not having the time, but from when I first saw it until my computer had to restart, the tab was open in Chrome waiting for me.  Tonight, I clicked to join, and now my anxiety is in full swing.  I'm sitting here typing and playing a silly Facebook game and not saying anything out loud to my family while my skin feels too tight for my body and my muscles are rigid.  I don't know why I'm reacting this strongly.  Maybe it's my social anxiety and the fear of putting myself out there to meet new people and people not being interested in connecting with me.  Here, most of my connections are people I've known for years on here, even if I was gone for a long time.  And here feels safe.  It could also be fear of what I'll find out, or of not learning and gaining anything useful.  I don't know.  But here goes, I guess.