Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Music Monday #9 - Boat Drinks

In honor of my impending trip to Costa Rica, you all get a little Buffett to brighten your day.  I was going to emphasize the line of, "This morning I shot six holes in my freezer; I think I've got cabin fever."  But then I was pushing up my sleeves outside the grocery store tonight in 61-degree weather in February.  Still, I'm very glad to be leaving for a place where the low will be 66-68!!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Funny Way to Explain Infertility (or Unfilfilled Fertility)

Now you guys get to see the other post from someone else that's been open on my computer all month!  Joey at The Childless Mom posted a really cute set of videos that were created to explain infertility for people that have not been there.  I think the best one is the first one she had posted, so I'm going to repost that one here.  The bird and bee costumes just make them so much better!! 

 While I was finding the above video I came across another one I hadn't seen before and had to add that one because it's so true!

ICLW Madness

Now that I've got less than a full cycle to go before my treatment cycle, I actually found myself thinking as I was commenting that I'll be starting IVF "soon."  At the same time as that made me a little nervous and worried that something will still come along to get in the way, it feels good to think of it as coming soon.

Also, I'm seeing if I can reach Iron Commenter this month.  We'll see if I can manage it despite the packing.  One thing that keeps hitting me, though, it how freakin annoying those captchas are!!  Do people really have that many issues with spam commenters?!?

Friday, February 24, 2012

Infertile Families

First of all, today at work was obviously better than yesterday.  It was still hard, especially doing 2 sessions with clients who were grieving and checking in on a couple others, but having a quiet afternoon and staff being able to lean on each other for support both helped. 

I've been meaning to write this post for a couple weeks now, leaving the post that inspired it up on my Firefox window.  The Cornfed Feminist wrote a really interesting post about the effects of infertility on others in our families, specifically on our mothers.  My mom has been really great and supportive, and I know how she feels about the impact of the infertility on me (and on the use of the word infertility...she wants a more positive term that reflects that fertility has not been achieved yet).  Before reading this post, though, I never thought to ask my mom how she feels about not being a grandmother yet.  Mom?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Loss and Fear

Today I got hit really hard with two huge reminders that even if I can get pregnant with a non-SMA baby, even if I can make it through the first trimester, nothing is ever safe or secure.  I was pretty sure that one of them was coming, from posts from others in the ALI community: Mo from Mommy Odyssey lost her son Nadav after her water broke two weeks before viability and did not replenish.  As I've watched other bloggers count the days to viability while on bed rest and make it there, my heart breaks for Mo and her husband.

The second reminder is really hard to write about...since I finished the last paragraph, I've made another Egg McMuffin, chatted with friends, and watched a full episode of Gossip Girl.  My workday started like normal, went in and saw a couple of clients.  I was looking for my 11:00 client when one of the other therapists came in and told me to stay put.  She came back and told me that one of our coworkers had died this morning.  I didn't even know she was pregnant, but apparently she was 5 months along when she had an abdominal aortic aneurism.  I keep swinging between denial and tears, including during today as the clients were informed and reacting.  I asked one of the nurses at work and one I go to church with if AAAs are genetic, since my grandmother had one fixed a couple of years before she died.  Apparently some are, so I'm going to be asking my RE whether I should have a scan to make sure I don't have one.  I would ask my PCP, but I don't get to go to my real one thanks to him not being on the panel for my current insurance, so I have a name out of the provider directory that I've never seen on my card as my PCP.

Going to bed once this episode of Gossip Girl is over.  We'll see how tomorrow is at work.  Thank goodness for Costa Rica.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


Hi, everyone, and welcome to my happy home (or something like that).  Basic overview is that DH and I are waiting a month and a couple of days to be able to start IVF #1 with PGD.  We have unexplained IF, but we found out as we were getting ready to try to have IVF #1 last summer that I'm a carrier for spinal muscular atropny (SMA).  A few months later, we found out DH is as well, leaving us with the options of IVF with PGD or continuing to try naturally and taking our chances with the 1 in 4 odds of having an affected baby.  Needless to say, we're going with Option 1.

However, insurance didn't agree with us at first.  We had been planning on starting this cycle at the first of the year when my insurance company denied the IVF because we hadn't tried IUI first.  The especially crazy part of that is that they had authorized the PGD while denying the IVF!  I appealed the insurance decision after having to wait a month to get my letter of medical necessity from my RE, and we got the word that the appeal had worked about 2 weeks ago.  So now we wait.  Fortunately, one week of the waiting will be much less onerous, since we will be going to Costa Rica with DH's father and his father's boyfriend.  We're really looking forward to leaving next Tuesday!!

Music Monday #8 - I'm Not That Girl

OK, so I've been listening to the Wicked and Book of Mormon soundtracks a lot since I got them.  DH calls me obsessed with them, and he may be right, but they're both so good!!  I was listening to Wicked on Friday, and this song caught my ear and my heart more so than usual. 

I'm not that girl, and we're not that couple.  I'm not that girl who can just want a family and make one with her husband.  I'm not that girl who can even know why, beyond believing that God wanted her and DH to find out about the spinal muscular atrophy before having an affected baby.  I'm not that girl who can trust that a scheduled cycle will actually begin, even after starting the BCPs.  I'm not that girl who can trust that she'll get to use the box of meds in the dining room.

The last verse of this song begins, "Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart."  That's been my mindset for a year now.  But on an old episode of Private Practice that I finally got to watch tonight, Addison said that the biggest muscle that she had needed to strengthen to take the first step of her first IVF cycle was hope.  I don't know how to do that.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Getting to Know You, Getting to Feel Free and Easy

Meme time!  I got tagged by ScubaGirl.

1) post the rules
2) answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you
3) create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag (I have a feeling this is going to be the hard part!)
4) tag as many people as you like and link them to your post
5) let them know they have been tagged

1. Where is your most favorite place that you have traveled?

Paris!  I wish that I had gotten to spend more time there, but I was lucky that I got an extra couple of days there at the end of the city-a-day tour of Europe that my aunt sent me on when I graduated from college.

2. What is your favorite food?
My mom's spaghetti.  She puts kielbasa in the sauce, which gives Italians conniptions, but it is SOOOOO good!!

3. Who cooks at home?
About half and half between me and DH.  We both really enjoy cooking, although we both prefer having time to play in the kitchen rather than the "It's 7 PM, what are we having for dinner" type cooking.

4. How often do you go out to eat?
Maybe a couple times a month?

5. What is your most favorite movie of all time?
Probably Love Actually at this point.  My top 5 consists of that, Somewhere in Time, Princess Bride, Ever After, and Good Morning, Vietnam.  Cue sing-songy voice: One of these things is not like the other...

6. Cat or dog?
Cat, hands down.  My mom and I like to joke that we are part feline ourselves.  That said, I do also love big dogs (NOT a fan of small dogs except for Corgis, who are big dogs on small legs).  DH and I do want a dog at some point, but even several years ago, before we started TTC, we had agreed on baby before dog.  That way we don't get the dog until after having a baby has already slowed down the amount that we go out of town, so we don't have to worry about a dog-sitter or a kennel as often.

7. What flowers were in your wedding bouquet?
Heck if I remember what types they were beyond roses.  The most important part was that my mom and I went shopping together for fake flowers and she made my bouquet.

8. How many of the 50 states have you been to?
36...I'm missing Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Idaho, Iowa, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Utah, and Wisconsin.

9. What decorations do you have on the walls of your bedroom?
A really cool-looking print of a lightning strike, DH's Beta Theta Pi paddle over his side of the bed and an Alpha Phi Omega paddle (not my official one, because my chapter does something different with paddles) over my side of the bed.

10. Where did you go on your honeymoon?
Hawaii, specifically the island of Kauai.  DH had been to Hawaii a bunch of times, and in fact the idea of us getting married first came up when I expressed jealousy about this and he was like, "Oh, we can go for our honeymoon."  So I held him to that!  Since he had been so many times, though, he wanted us to stick to one island and do Kauai, which is quieter, so that we weren't feeling a ton of pressure to island-hop and see everything.

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? To play?
To watch, football, especially college football.  That comes out of my years of marching band, where I had to learn to like football or get really bored!  To play, baseball.  Not softball, baseball.  I play softball when it's available, but only because there aren't a lot of pickup baseball games or baseball leagues out there.

My next victims are:
Kayla at Life is Simple, It's Just Not Easy
Joey at The Childless Mom
Mag at Witty Infertility
Katie at The Zawislaks
Mrs. E at TTC Baby E

Your questions:
1)  What is your favorite book/series and why?
2)  What extracurricular activities did you like in high school/college?
3)  What type of music is on your radio most often?
4)  What is sitting on your DVR?
5)   If you were (are) on bedrest, what would you miss the most?
6)   If you were (are) on bedrest, what would do the most to keep you sane(ish)?
7)  Who on tv do you find the hottest?
8)   If you could get any question in the world answered, what would that question be and who would it be for?
9)   If you could have dinner with anyone, who would that be?
10) What type of food is your favorite?
11)  What is one thing (besides parenting) that you've never done and have always wanted to do?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Music Monday #7 - When You Say Nothing At All

I've always thought this was a beautiful song...if for some reason I'm just listening and not singing, I prefer the duet version that I've posted here.  Most of the time, though, I prefer to listen to the Keith Whitley version and sing Alison Krauss' part myself.

The song doesn't entirely apply to me and DH, since he and I are both Words of Affirmation people as well as Physical Touch.  For those who are not familiar with Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages, the basic premise is that we as humans express and relieve love in one or two of five different languages: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, and Acts of Service.  I highly recommend the book for anyone who has never read it...I learned a lot about myself and others from it, and the knowledge I gained helped to improve several relationships in my life. 

Monday, February 13, 2012

It's Baaaack!!

As I work on being fulfilled in other areas of my life while I wait for a baby, tonight saw the return of my secondary blog, SnarkFood a team-written blog that snarks on various food shows and personalities.  I snarked the premier of Worst Cooks in America and then an episode of Iron Chef America.  Check it out!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

This Roller Coaster is Making My Stomach Hurt!!

So last night I was jumping up and down and crying and wanted to frame the approval letter (especially after having gotten one the day before that extended the amount of time they had to decide further than it had already been extended).  And last night I was sobbing on the kitchen floor after opening another letter.  And today things are ok again.  No, I'm not Bipolar, I promise.  This process is, though!

The second letter came from the PGD lab in Maryland.  The one that had told me that they took my insurance and were in-network.  The one that my insurance company had confirmed was in-network (not that I trust CareFirst for anything anymore).  The letter said that the lab did not take insurance payments, only check or credit, and that the cost was $6250.  It's a good thing DH was home already when I opened this one, because I think that's what kept the meltdown from being fairly epic, him calming me down (kinda).  As it was, I was still trying to figure out how many years this would set us back.

My mom pointed out when I talked to her about it that all was not lost and that this didn't necessarily mean that insurance wouldn't pay and that I could possibly pay out of pocket (possibly with a loan from Dad) long enough to get reimbursed by the insurance company.  I still don't trust CareFirst for anything, so this made me nervous, but I was up for talking more to Mom about it over the weekend to explore the possibility.

This morning, I got a call from my nurse, who said she had spoken to the people at the PGD lab and they needed my insurance information.  Wait a second, what??  I thought they had just said they didn't take insurance payments!  So I called the finance person at the PGD lab, and she said that they do actually take insurance payments, they just prefer not to since many insurances don't cover it.  As I gave her my insurance info, I sagged in relief, which is probably what kept me from hitting the roof at them having frightened me like that for nothing!  I'm still pissed about it.  I wish I could just tell them what to do with that letter, but they're my only chance of being able to do a day 5 biopsy without freezing the embryos with money we don't currently have, since they're right across the hall from my clinic and can therefore get and test the samples in time for a day 6 transfer.

DH thinks that by the end of this, I'll end up writing a book about the finances of infertility.  Mom thinks I should see if there are organizations out there to help couples with the insurance issues of infertility and start one of my own if there aren't any.

Thursday, February 09, 2012


There's a longer post coming, but I wanted to let everyone (who didn't see on Facebook) know!

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Music Monday #5 & 6

OK, I just realized a day or two ago that I was bad last week and never did my Music Monday post!  However, an app that I have on Facebook that gives me daily suggestions to improve my life had the suggestion today to listen to 2 of my favorite songs.  So, y'all get to go along on that journey with me, and we'll combine 2 Music Monday posts into one.  The theme for today is what I have and what I want.

The first song is Everything I Do (I Do It For You) by Bryan Adams.  I tried to post the video, but the insert video function wouldn't find the right video on YouTube, and I didn't want to post anything other than the official music video for this one, so you get the link to go watch it in another window.  This song represents what I have, since it is DH's and my song, has been since the first summer we were together.  For those that don't know, when DH and I got together, I lived in Maryland and he lived in Michigan.  That first summer, before I was back on campus with better phone and internet access, we more than maxed out the 180 minutes a month I had on the cell phone my aunt was paying for.  At some point during one of those conversations, I mentioned that this was my favorite song, and DH said it was his, too.  Not that long later, he told me (I think in one of the letters we were also sending, both to keep the phone bills down and because I had time on my hands while lifeguarding) that the night before, he had heard our song on the radio while he was driving.  It's been our song ever since.

This next song covers both what I have and what I want.  It's Little Miss Magic, by Jimmy Buffett, and I thought it was beautiful the first time I heard it.  What really made it special for me, though, was that I was riding in the car with my dad (who got me into Buffett), brother, and baby sister and mentioned that I loved the song, and he pointed at me and Catie and said, "Little Miss Magic 1 and 2."  This was later the song that my dad and I danced to at my wedding.  At the same time as this song represents what I have in terms of my relationship with my dad, it also refers to what I want.  Even as I was looking at YouTube to pick a version to put up here, I didn't even consider clicking on any that had babies in the thumbnails.  I want to have a Little Miss Magic or Little Mister Magic of my own, and I don't know if I ever will.