Tuesday, March 29, 2016

#MicroblogMondays: April Fools

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Ah, April Fools Day. the day when I feel like the biggest killjoy in the world.  And yet, I refuse to stop.  Every year, I will post something highlighting that the "I'm pregnant" prank is NOT FUNNY.  Even when I was pregnant, it wasn't funny.  Even when I had a baby and had not yet had my miscarriage, it wasn't funny.  Now that I've lost a baby and a tube and an ovary and haven't been able to conceive again, it sure as hell isn't funny.  Now that two of my closest friends lost their daughter at a day old and haven't conceived again, it sure as hell isn't funny.  I'm not saying people can't have fun on April Fools Day, but show some damned creativity!!!  And anyone who says I'm too sensitive is hereby invited to walk in my shoes or my husband's shoes or those of my friends T and D and then see how they feel.

Sunday, March 27, 2016


I'm pretty sure the endo is back full force.  I've got an appointment at the end of April with the doctor who did my surgery last summer, and I have quite a few questions for him.  I'm not going to give all the gross details here, but I wish I had other people who had it that I knew well enough to ask the gross questions.

Basically, at this point I hate being a woman.  Not because of sexism or anything like that, but because there's nothing good for me physically about being a woman.  I have boobs big enough that I can't wear button-down shirts or bras with underwires, they hurt when I run, and I have sweat issues in the summer.  And I have other parts that spend a quarter of my life making a huge mess and leaving me in pain and reuse to do what they were designed to do.

Is anyone out there who has endo willing to talk frankly about their symptoms?

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

#MicroblogMondays: The Finances of Miscarriage

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I'm on several Facebook groups related to miscarriage, and this article just showed up in my feed from one of them.  I hadn't thought about how much miscarriage would cost for other people.  When I thought mine was a "normal" miscarriage, I was thinking about how this baby that we had wanted was gone, dead inside me.  I wasn't thinking about the cost to us for appointments or the surgery.  I get reminders of the economic impact of my surgery frequently, as we are still working on paying the bills ($4000 or so?), but blood transfusions and an ICU stay will do that.  I didn't think about what other people would pay or what I would have been paying if mine had been a "normal" D&C.

Food for thought, especially in this age where "everyone has insurance" means "we act like we'll take away your tax money, but we know you don't pay taxes because you have no income and we won't actually give you Medicaid until you're already dying of cancer and unable to be saved instead of 2 years earlier when it could have helped."  No, I'm not bitter.

Monday, March 14, 2016

#MicroblogMondays: Don't Should on Me

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

"Don't should on me."  That's something a boss I used to have liked to say, addressing the "shoulds" that we put on ourselves and that others put on us?  But what about the "shoulds" that "should" be there?  That's the question that was raised by one of my clients today, who had had a miscarriage at the same time I did.  She and I both SHOULD be able to be holding our babies now.  Our babies SHOULD be able to live.  We SHOULD be able to see what our babies will do with life.  I didn't have an answer for her, because I'm still trying to answer that for myself.  She's single now, but I SHOULD be able to conceive again.  I SHOULD be able to have a rainbow baby, but I don't think I ever will.

How do you cope with what "should" be and isn't?

Thursday, March 10, 2016

The Death of Hope

I haven't been blogging lately because I've been having a lot of feelings, but they haven't really been coalescing into words and sentences very well.  It's just been pain, unarticulated.  Tears without words.

I really just need to give up hope of becoming pregnant again and being able to keep a pregnancy.  Maybe then it will hurt less.  Every month I'm trying to not expect anything, but then my body screws around with me, is off one day or another, and I start to wonder.  And that's what kills me, because it makes the "no" more crushing.  If I don't wonder, it won't hurt as much.

It's simple math.  Endometriosis reduces the chances each month from 20-25% to 2-4%.  I was 33 when I was last pregnant.  At 2% per month, that's as long as 50 months before I would get pregnant again.  By then, I'll be 38, almost 39, and having age affecting my ability to get pregnant.  So by the time the endometriosis would let me get pregnant, age won't.

I have a toddler, and I love him, and I'm lucky and privileged to have him.  I have a husband who adores me, and who I love deeply.  I have stepchildren who I love.  That's going to have to be enough.