Friday, November 25, 2011

Do You Have Any News?

I got asked that today by my great-aunt, the first time I've ever been asked that blatantly.  I don't see or talk to that side of the family that often, since they live out in Ohio...the last time I saw my great-aunt was the month before DH and I started TTC.  Apparently right about that same time, two of my cousins conceived with their new wives.  The one that is just a couple of months younger than me is expecting his second baby in a few months, too, so that's someone else who has lapped me.  I did everything sooner than Jared.  I was born 3 months sooner.  I graduated high school and college a year earlier, since his birthday was enough later to put him in a different school year.  I got married sooner.  But not only did he have a kid before me, he had kidS before me.  Before I could even get within sniffing distance of having one kid, he has two.  And I get asked if I have any news in the same breath that I get told about how wonderfully fertile the rest of my family is.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Thanksgiving has always been one of my very favorite holidays.  I have so many memories of cooking with my mom, and I'm really glad to have her here for my birthday and Thanksgiving.  One thought I had tonight, though, as I'm still up doing prep work, is that I may not be a mom, but I sure as heck act like one when it comes to cooking holidays!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Big Day

Well, I'm 30 now.  As I was on my way to bed last night (ok, early this morning), I was thinking that it felt weird in its very lack of weirdness.  I know I'm not any different than I was yesterday, and I didn't feel any different than I did before midnight, but it felt like maybe something should feel different.  Which is completely silly, I know, but anyone I know IRL can tell you how silly I am!!

I did get about the best birthday present possible from my friend K last night.  After she had shared her wonderful news, we were talking about what would come next for us, and I told her that we were hoping the finances would work for a cycle early next year.  K and I were talking about flex spending accounts, though, and she reminded me that if we use DH's FSA, the money is available as soon as the year starts.  I had completely forgotten that about FSAs because neither DH nor I has had one available to us for about the past 3 years.  Even better, K and I had this conversation during DH's open enrollment time, so we didn't have it too late for him to enroll, nor did we have it (this time, since we have talked about it before) so early that DH and I would forget by enrollment time.

Also, since I'm flying somewhere in January and was hoping to get by with just a carry on, K let me know that I can take the needles on the plane if I'm that far into the process, as long as I have the medical necessity paperwork with me!

So I'm going to see (just not today) about making an appointment to discuss timeframe.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Welcome fellow bloggers and commenters!  I'm Jessie and this is my own special place to acknowledge the fun kind of hell that is infertility.  Can you tell I like sarcasm?

I'm actually a little more upbeat and sunshiney than usual lately because my 30th birthday is on Wednesday.  Maybe it's because I've gotten to watch all my friends turn 30 already (ah, the joy of having a late birthday), or maybe it's because it would be really hard for 30 to be worse than 28 and 29 were, but I'm actually really looking forward to 30.  We'll see how long that lasts, but for now I'm going to enjoy it!

In terms of our IF journey, DH and I started trying in August of 2009.  We had some basic testing in the summer of 2010 and then found out after $1400 in bills that our insurance didn't cover testing.  I got insurance that did cover it this summer, and we got a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and were preparing for IVF #1 when we found out that I'm a carrier for spinal muscular atrophy.  After several more insurance issues, we've finally been able to do the test to see if DH is also a carrier, and we've got 2-3 weeks now to wait for the results.  We're hoping to get the coinsurance together to be able to try again on IVF #1 early in the new year.  Until then, the waiting game continues.

Monday, November 14, 2011

We Plan and God Rolls Over Laughing

I've been thinking over the past couple of days about things that I'd like to be able to do within APO.  And when I think about it, I get frustrated about how the infertility screws that up.  I hate not being able to think about things more than 9-12 months in advance.  The only reason I can even think 12 months in advance right now is because I know we can't afford to try IVF until the spring.  Still, depending on what happens when in the spring, I don't know if I'll even be able to fly to get to the convention at the end of 2012 in Anaheim. 

Ever since I stopped having the year-long elected position I used to have, I've been working on one project and then another.  I've been trying to put things together to keep me busy and give me chances to both develop my skills and see my friends.  The one advantage that I have right now is that anything new I start doing at this point would end before we could have a baby or right when it would happen since things reset at every convention.  Still, when I think about things I might like to do after a year from now, I don't know whether to think of them as possibilities or as something to think about doing someday, and that's frustrating.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Wishin' and Hopin'

So, people were making a big deal about making a wish at 11:11:11 on 11/11/11.  So I made a wish.  Three guesses what I wished for.  What the hell, it can't hurt, right?  Sure, there's no reason why it would help, but it's free and it won't hurt.

LOTS of blog posts about rising betas lately.  Put in the order for DH's genetic test last night.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


I saw on Facebook today about the Duggars conceiving #20, and DH's first comment was that he expected the servers for STFU Ferts to go down.  My main thought about it is that I'm starting to think DH and I (along with a few other infertile couples) need to go visit out there for a while to see if the baby dust will rub off! 

Earlier I saw a friend that posts the milestones for his daughter had commented that she's 23 months today and that in another month she'll be a big girl and he'll have to start giving her age in years instead of months.  Yes, the kids that were born around the time DH and I started TTC are getting too old to be referred to in months.  That really drives home how long it's been.

I was able to appreciate my cousin's baby today, and I got a call back from Shady Grove with a code for DH's genetic testing.

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Inching Closer to Progress

DH has his new insurance now and tried to sign up for the genetic test, but the code from our doctor's office wouldn't work.  So I'll call Monday morning to get a new code for him to use, and then we can get the test kit sent to us.

Friday, November 04, 2011

A Little Relief

I was going to write a post about how damned emotionally tired I am.  Then my friend asked if I wanted him to change the subject, and when I said yes he asked me what my favorite recipe is.  I rattled off a bunch of things and then told him it was opening a can of worms to ask a cook what her favorite recipe was (although none of my favorite recipes involve a can of worms!).  So now I'm distracted and not quite as down, which is nice.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011


Yesterday, RESOLVE's Facebook feed was asking people how they were handling the holiday.  Halloween's actually not a holiday that I have any problems with.  I think the reason for that is that, at least in my neighborhood, I only get a couple of babies at the door; it's mostly older kids.  Older kids don't bother me the way babies do.  Yeah, everyone's posting pictures of their babies in their cute little Halloween costumes on Facebook, but a lot of my friends are posting pictures of their babies all the time, so Halloween ends up being nothing different.

Obviously I don't like that this holiday is distinguished for me by being less hard than it is for many infertiles, but I'll take what I can get.

Trying to Move On as a Family

So far, Summer seems to be her usual playful self, but DH noticed tonight that Pumpkin seems to be withdrawing some.  DH spent some time petting her and telling her that we love her and that we love her brother too.  We're going to make sure to give her some extra attention over the next few days.

I'm really glad we got Summer from my mom and grandmother back in April when we did.  Pumpkin's generally quiet enough that the house would have seemed way too quiet if we were just left with her.  But because Summer was already part of the family before we lost Kechara, she doesn't feel like an attempt to replace him.  Sometimes I'm ok, and sometimes I just want to cry.  Anytime I let myself really stop and think about him, I cry.  I'm able to think about the good times with him, but they still make me cry at this point.  I know it will get better, but I'm not there yet.

On a happier note, I'm thrilled for K and her rising beta!!