Monday, October 17, 2016

#Microblog Mondays: The Quest for Invisibility

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I first started this blog as part of my commitment to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem when it came to stigma and silence.  But lately I've been wondering whether that effort leads to anything positive or whether I should just shut up.  I've been hit again with the observation that no one IRL actually cares who I am or how I feel except a few people: my immediate household, my parents, my cousins, and two or three friends.  People act like they care when I'm right in front of them, but any other time I'm either gossip fodder or invisible.  I'm the one that reaches out because if I don't run into people in person, they forget about me.  I'm the one that tries to get to know people better and make acquaintances into friends; I'm not interesting enough for people to want to get to know me.  When it keeps happening over and over, that tells me that I'm the one that's the problem, that my needs are inconvenient to others, that it would be better if I were to just shrink myself and my needs until, to everyone outside my family and my job, I just...disappear.

Monday, October 03, 2016

#Microblog Mondays: Fear and Trembling

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I keep swinging back and forth between being glad we have a chance to try and being certain that nothing good is going to happen because my only remaining ovary is too broken.  I think I've been reading too much on the internet/FB (I know, irony, right?) and seeing people told that Clomid won't help them and maybe they should try egg donation.  Papa Bear feels like that would defeat the purpose of having a baby that was the two of us.  I want to be pregnant and carry a baby, I think even if it weren't my eggs, but I can't justify that much of an expense for a possibility when we have three kids to provide for both now and in the future.  But I still want a second child that is MINE, that calls ME Mommy and Papa Bear Daddy.