Saturday, October 29, 2011

The End of an Era

5/24/99 - 6/28/11

Kechara was my baby from the day he was 6 weeks old, when he came back from Ohio with us, falling asleep in the tiny loaf pan of litter we had placed in the carrier in order to introduce him and his sisters to the concept of litter (they had been barn cats).  He was my cuddle boy up through this afternoon, when I held him (and DH held both of us) as he died.  After the seizure he had this morning, it was the right thing to do, but oh, it hurt.  I'll say more later.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Creme de la Creme Decision

I'm trying to decide which post to submit for the Creme de la Creme list.  For those who aren't aware, it's a place for people to choose their best post of the year to submit.  I've narrowed it down to 2, my return to writing poetry, and my infertility manifesto.  What do y'all think?  So far, I have one vote for the manifesto.

Friday, October 21, 2011


As we get into my second International Comment Leaving Week, it's been an eventful week over in this part of IF-land, rife with hard financial decisions.

For those new to the story, DH and I are currently stalled out waiting to find out whether he is a carrier for spinal muscular atrophy, like I am.  Finding out that I'm a carrier killed our cycle from last month before it started and pushed us into a new insurance year and new insurance plan, taking us from no coinsurance for IVF to $1500 coinsurance.  We've been waiting for insurance coverage for DH in order to get the testing done.  He could have gotten it done while he was on my insurance this month, but it's taken two weeks so far to find out what effect that would have on the HSA that covers my deductible.  His new insurance will take effect this weekend, and once we know his insurance numbers, we can order the test for him.  We can't really afford to do the test at this point, since it would fall under the deductible and thus come out of our pockets.  At the same time, the emotional cost of being stalled out is high enough that DH said tonight that we can't really afford not to do it now either.

Speaking of costs we can't afford, my oldest cat, Kechara, was sick again over the last couple of weeks.  Through it, we found out that even when he was healthy, he was losing weight.  He's lost 5 pounds over the last year or so.  The vet said last night that if his labwork came back normal, which it basically did, that we'd be most likely looking at cancer.  However, there's no way to tell unless we do an x-ray ($150) and possibly an ultrasound (a couple hundred dollars).  And if we find out that he does have cancer, we'd have the question of whether surgery would be helpful or harmful and, if it would be helpful, whether we could afford it.  There would be no way to afford it without putting our dreams of IVF on hold for a while longer. 

So I'm feeling caught between whether to possibly save the life of the furry child I have now or whether to create my possible human child.  Either way we're looking at uncertainties and possibilities.  I don't know if Kechara has cancer.  I don't know if we would be able to conceive on the first try with IVF.  I don't know if he does have cancer, if it would be operable (without hurting him more than it helps).  I don't know if we could become pregnant through IUI instead of IVF.  I don't know how long Kechara would live if cancer was able to be surgically removed...he's 12 years old, but before last year he was perfectly healthy despite being overweight.  I don't know anything except that it will break my heart whenever I do lose Kechara and that it's breaking my heart not being a parent to a human child. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011


As I was working last night on my workshop for this weekend's APO conference and telling a non-APO online friend about it, that friend said, "You do have a servant's heart, don't you?" I was really touched by that, even though all I do is live the way God made me.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Giuliana Has Cancer

Giuliana Rancic just announced on Today that during the process of her third IVF, they found out that she has early stage breast cancer.  She's having surgery later this week and will try again for IVF #3 after the surgery. 

She had an interesting quote about the situation: "I still want this baby...because this baby has saved my life."  I would be interested to see what was in the ellipsis, but HuffPost didn't put that in the article.  For many of us, it's easy to feel like having a baby would save our lives figuratively, but most of us don't have the process save our lives literally like her.  Good luck, Giuliana!!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Nature of Blogging

It's interesting watching Julie and Julia and thinking of getting blogs started.  It was about a month after I saw the movie that I started this blog, although I had been thinking about the possibility of a blog for 2 months by then.  Over the past year, I've seen the number of people reading this increase little by little, and I identify with the feelings Julie had about wondering whether people actually read/care about what I'm writing.  My mom is more supportive of what I'm writing than Julie's mom was in the book/movie, but then again, I'm not doing anything crazy, just trying to have a baby.

On a side note, the movie does a good job of touching on Julia and Paul's infertility without dwelling on it.

It's especially interesting watching the movie right now while reading the book Julie wrote after this, called Cleaving, about the affair she had after the book came out and learning to butcher after the affair ended.

I'm getting fun ideas for things I want to make as DH and I chat with my father-in-law about food and cooking techniques.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Because I Needed Life to Suck More

So then I get home for a bit and get the mail, and I find out that my doctor doesn't take my new fucksurance plan.  And as I go to the computer to verify this, my watch breaks.  I start crying and my nose starts bleeding. (I get nosebleeds when the weather changes, but this fall I had avoided them so far despite spending the past week croaking and unable to breathe).

Ah, Irony

It felt weird enough to be infertile and taking BCPs in preparation for the IVF-that-wasn't.  I have to say, though, it feels even weirder to be checking the nightstand to see if there are any non-expired condoms left in there.  At the same time, I'm too scared to risk conceiving before we know whether DH is a carrier for spinal muscular atrophy. 

We can't get him tested until he starts his insurance, which will now be 2 weeks later than we thought because of security and stupidity, which are sometimes synonymous.  Good thing we were able to get him onto my insurance for a month to fill the gap between when it ran out from his old job and when he starts the new insurance...MUCH less expensive than COBRA!!  Still, I bet we won't be able to get him tested right away even when he is on his insurance because it'll fall under the deductible, which will mean we still can't afford it.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Just, Wow

Even the damned spayed cat thinks she'll get IVF before I do!!  Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture of Summer sticking her paw through the flaps of the box of meds.