Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Welcome back, Herr Doctor. How was space?

So, um, yeah, I've been gone a while.  After looking through LFCA to catch up and seeing Keiko's APB for missing bloggers, I'm half surprised I didn't end up on there!  There has been a reason for the 4 month absence, though.  For those I don't know in person and for those I know in person but hadn't caught up with to tell, I'm now separated.  I made the choice to leave DH, and we have been separated since the beginning of June.

Before I say anything else, I want to emphasize that DH and I are friends again.  Yes, already.  DH is a very good man and a very good friend, and I care about him very much.  However, he is not the man that I should be married to at this point. 

One thing that has been key to me, both as I made the decision to leave and since then, is the deep sense of peace that I have had that, even if I don't know when or how, I will be a mother someday.  That sense of peace has stuck with me, to the point where being around babies and pregnant women doesn't actually upset me anymore.

But what does that mean now?  After all, this is an infertility blog.  And I'm still not a mother.  But I'm not trying to conceive either.  Where do I fit in the infertility community?  There's a whole room in Mel's Blogroll for special situations and a category in there for "Family Building When Single"...but I'm not building a family at this point.  I guess it's a good thing that I never took myself out of the "No Longer Trying/On A Break" room any of the times when I thought the IVF cycle would happen.  I didn't move to the "General Infertility and Treatments" room when I first thought I would cycle because I didn't get around to it.  After that cycle got canceled just before the first shots, I didn't want to jinx it any of the other times.  After that I couldn't believe that a cycle would actually happen until the first shot (although that didn't seem to help much each time it got postponed).  But at any rate, I don't really know where I fit in anymore.

I was considering just letting the blog die.  But my friend Katie pointed out that it could help other people to see a story that doesn't end with being a mother or living as a couple child-free.  So I decided to keep posting.  I don't know how often I'll post or how active I'll be as a poster or a commenter, but I am going to keep this blog going.  We'll see what happens on this crazy adventure called life!


  1. I am glad you have decided to keep blogging. I think it is really valuable to have points of view from all over the spectrum of life. I am sorry you have been going through some tough times and I am glad you are back with us. I am looking forward to following as you take the next steps, wherever they lead...

  2. I was wondering about you. I'm so sorry that you are going through a divorce. Even when amicable, it's a stressful situation.

    Honestly, I think you're story is still very relevant in this community. Too often people stay in relationships that aren't good for them, pushing for pregnancy. For some, the answer is counseling and rebuilding their relationship. For others, separating is the best option. No one option is the "right" one, as it's all couple dependent. On that note, here's a blogger you would be interested in: http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com/

  3. You know me & words. You aren't separated, you're very whole, just separated from your husband. I know though - I used to say the same thing. In fact though, I'm again so very proud of you. I'm so glad you know you'll be a mother and that you're doing so well with this - with all of it. You and DH are the poster children for amicable divorce, by the way, and I am so thankful. And I greatly admire you both for it - you can tell him I said so, and happy birthday.

    I'm so glad you posted! Every time I post my blog I look down to see if you're back. I agree that your story is still important to the community. And I feel you're a very eloquent and important voice. You have so become, even more than the person I hoped you'd be. And some day you're going to know exactly what that feels like, those feelings about your children as they grow and you try to teach them the values you most care about!

    Your point of view is refreshing and important. I'll look forward to reading each time you do post.

    For those of you who don't know, I am truly unbiased. I refused to take pride in my children's accomplishments - they belong to them. But because I know I was an important part in who they became, and take full responsibility for every mistake I made too, I now enjoy taking an emotional bow every once in awhile. So I will say - I'm her Mommy :)

  4. thank you so much for you comment on my blog and I am so glad to have found you- it is really hard to find a place to fit in but I have still found amazing support among my IF community. Here for you. Please be in touch.