So Now What?

I had my doctor's appointment today.  It was SO hard being there while not being pregnant, especially since it was the first time since the follow up appointments after the surgery.  I was crying in the waiting room, although I was able to distract myself with my book and my silly Game of Thrones FB game.

It was better once my doctor came in.  He greeted me with a hug and immediately understood how hard it was for me to be there.  He said he had been rereading his notes from my case last year and that the hair on the back of his neck had risen again at how close a call it had been.  One thing that I have appreciated with him has been that he has been very human through this.  It would have been harder if he had been more of the "I'm always right, even when I'm not" type of doctor.

I told my doctor what has been going on, what symptoms I have been having that make me think the endo is back.  He confirmed that there was endo tissue that he hadn't gotten on the left because there hadn't been time while keeping me alive.  However, he also said that the symptoms I've been having may be more consistent with polyps than with endo.  He did say the pattern I have been having with my cycle falls into the realm of "normal" but could also make sense with the endo still being a problem.  I did forget to ask what stage the endo had been, so I'm going to call the nurse tomorrow and ask.

The key thing that he said, though, is that now that I have been diagnosed with endo, I can get things covered by insurance because it's testing and treating the adhesions from the endo, a diagnosed medical condition, rather than treating "unexplained infertility."  The first things he wants to check are the possibilities of polyps, a luteal phase defect, or another blocked tube.   He wants to do a kind of ultrasound to look for polyps, and he wants to do an HSG to see if adhesions are blocking my remaining tube.  I'll be calling around for prices on the HSG since that isn't in his office and even though insurance would cover it, I still have to be price-conscious because of having a deductible.  To check out the possibility of luteal phase defect, he wants me to start doing OPKs again so that he can then test my progesterone level a week after ovulation.  I wonder if I should start doing BBT again to go with it.

Depending on what we find out, we may be looking at anything from oral progesterone to Clomid to IUI.  Whether it falls into what insurance will cover or not, I can do anything short of IVF with him instead of with a fertility clinic.  I feel good about that, at least.  I know that, after what happened last year, he will pull and work anything he can to help us.  He thanked me for coming back to him after what happened, but it's what felt the most right, both because of how committed he is to us and because of the midwives there, who kept my son from being a c-section.

We will see what happens, but it's nice to be able to do something other than wonder and then despair every month.

Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News

Tomorrow morning I go back to the doctor who had done my D&C and, in the process, found my endo.  It's time for my yearly fun appointment, with all the fun since my mom died of a gynecologic cancer.  I need to talk to him about it seeming like the endo is back and discuss what we should do about it.  And then I most likely get to consider the finances and whether to pay for more surgery if it's recommended or whether to keep masking it with NSAIDs.  Fun timing, especially since this Sunday will be a year since we found out I was pregnant with Otter.

#MicroblogMondays: What's in a Name?

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My son's first word, at almost 6 months old, was "Mama."  He didn't say it again for a while, and then it was all "Dada, dada, dada" for another while before "Mama" came back into play, but anytime he did refer to me as anything, it was "Mama" and then "Mommy."  Over the past month or two, though, he's started calling me "Jessie."  I try to teach him to say and sign "Mommy," and sometimes it works, but other times I spend what feels like forever repeating "Mommy" while he responds with "Jessie." As a stepparent, I would never ask the older kids to refer to me by a name they don't feel comfortable with, and I would never try to supplant their mother.  At the same time, this side effect of that really hurts.  I worked so hard and went through so much to be able to actually be Mommy to someone, and even while I know how and why it's happening, it still feels like that is being diluted.

(I am really glad that my husband understands how I feel and why and does what he can to reinforce "Mommy" with my son)

Don't Step on a Crack...

The 23-month-old is in the phase where he wants to be held ALL. THE. TIME. (except when he wants to run in the street, of course)  Which sounds cute and adorable (while still mildly frustrating) right up until this weekend, when Papa Bear and I have both thrown out our backs in the past week lifting and carrying him.  Papa Bear threw his out on Tuesday when carrying the toddler reactivated an injury from a month ago, and I threw mine out for the first time ever yesterday when I took the toddler with me to WalMart to get an oil change so Papa Bear could take some medicine and rest his back.

It seemed like a great idea at the time, getting something I needed to done and helping Papa Bear get better.  And then an hour into the 3 1/2 hour wait (the last two hours of which went across all of his normal naptime), I threw my back out from the combination of the toddler wanting to be carried and wanting to throw everything out of the cart.  And then the last 45 minutes or so he was squirming on my lap screaming in the waiting area.  I had figured it would be ok because he can start his nap an hour late without problems, and I thought I'd be out of there in the two hours before it got to that point.  But then not only was he past that window, I couldn't hold him to shush him down to sleep in my arms because I was on the verge of crying (and sometimes past that verge) from the pain in my back.  And I couldn't call Papa Bear because he had taken his medicine like he was supposed to, and so he was very deeply asleep.

And of course this has to happen when I've got a lot of clients scheduled every day.  I'm thrilled to have so many clients, but it doesn't give me any opportunity to rest my back in between people or take medicine that will make me sleepy.

The best laid plans, I swear.

#MicroblogMondays: Hope Doesn't Float

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Hope is a cinder block.  If there is mortar and the plans are good and the ground is even and the foundation is strong, you can really build something.  If you don't have those things, hope becomes nothing more than the weight tied around your ankles, pulling you down as you try to swim and then as you try to just tread water.

#MicroblogMondays: Pools and Pools

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I started the day in a swimming pool in Ft. Myers, FL, enjoying swimming with Patrick and soaking in the hot tub.  I'm finishing the day in my uncle and aunt's home in Sarasota, waiting to see what will happen to my husband's basketball pools.  Villanova and UNC are tied, and the result determines whether he takes first or second in each of two pools worth several hundred dollars.  And Nova's buzzer-beater costs us around $400.  One the one hand, bite me Nova.  On the other hand, second is still worth some much-appreciated money.  And that was one hell of a game.