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I don't really know what to say. This is a bad week. I hadn't been blogging for a while both because of being crazy busy and because I didn't really know what to say because of how much I was dreading this week. This past Friday was the anniversary of when I found out that Otter was gone. This Wednesday is the anniversary of the surgery when so much changed. Friday sucked hard. I was really glad to have an excuse not to be seeing clients that day, and during the day was okay, but the evening brought up all my feelings of hopelessness and rejection.
Talking about it later with a friend of mine helped, as she pointed out that with having my son's birthday party on Friday, it became a dual celebration between celebrating his life and the fact that I lived through the surgery.
I'm still scared about Wednesday. It's a major transition point for me career-wise as well, as I stop seeing one set of clients and say goodbye to the last of them. Then I have a meeting along with the older kids that night and we go shopping for Father's Day presents. I hope that will be enough to shut my heart down until after the kids are in bed that night, but I'm so scared that it won't be.