What IF I can never just be happy with what I have and stop being angry, bitter, and sad about what I do not (from Cathy)?
This post is a part of Project IF, a collection of infertility-related bloggers exploring their own personal What IFs to mark National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30).
This is a What IF that I struggle with every day, multiple times a day. A What IF that I can't even read without tearing up. It's a What IF that a number of my friends are sick of me for because they are sick of me bringing them down and bothering them with my problems. They don't understand why I can't just be happy with what I have and stop being jealous and angry and bitter.
Well, neither do I. I don't understand why I can't be happy to enjoy other people's kids and give them back to their parents when they start crying or need a diaper change. I don't understand why I can't be satisfied with mothering and taking care of everyone around me like I used to be. I don't understand why having a good job and a loving husband and caring friends and helping others doesn't meet my needs and fulfill me anymore.
It's enough for other people. It used to be enough for me. I don't understand why it stopped being enough. Is it my biological clock? Is it the fact that I thought I was going to get to have it in the foreseeable future rather than in some undefined "someday"? Is it that I'm actually a selfish brat who starts throwing a hissy fit anytime she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it how she wants it?
Whatever it is, the fact that I haven't been able to get rid of the anger and bitterness and jealousy and sadness and despair is not for lack of trying. I have been working extremely hard and praying multiple times a day, multiple times an hour sometimes, trying to rid myself of the negative and focus on the positives in my life and in the lives of people I care about. I have had small successes, moments when I've been able to be genuinely happy for someone, times when I have been able to sincerely pray for people about whom I had been feeling not just envy but bitterness. I try to recognize and appreciate them, but the message comes from some channels that I'm still so far below what is acceptable for dealing with this that those small successes aren't even worth noticing.
What IF I was able to celebrate myself and feel supported by the people I care about most for the small successes until there are bigger accomplishments to celebrate?
For more information on Project IF, go to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if-part-two/
Basic information about Infertility can be found at: www.resolve.org/infertility101
Background information about National Infertility Awareness Week is available at: www.resolve.org/takecharge