ICLW #2

As we get into my second International Comment Leaving Week, it's been an eventful week over in this part of IF-land, rife with hard financial decisions.

For those new to the story, DH and I are currently stalled out waiting to find out whether he is a carrier for spinal muscular atrophy, like I am.  Finding out that I'm a carrier killed our cycle from last month before it started and pushed us into a new insurance year and new insurance plan, taking us from no coinsurance for IVF to $1500 coinsurance.  We've been waiting for insurance coverage for DH in order to get the testing done.  He could have gotten it done while he was on my insurance this month, but it's taken two weeks so far to find out what effect that would have on the HSA that covers my deductible.  His new insurance will take effect this weekend, and once we know his insurance numbers, we can order the test for him.  We can't really afford to do the test at this point, since it would fall under the deductible and thus come out of our pockets.  At the same time, the emotional cost of being stalled out is high enough that DH said tonight that we can't really afford not to do it now either.

Speaking of costs we can't afford, my oldest cat, Kechara, was sick again over the last couple of weeks.  Through it, we found out that even when he was healthy, he was losing weight.  He's lost 5 pounds over the last year or so.  The vet said last night that if his labwork came back normal, which it basically did, that we'd be most likely looking at cancer.  However, there's no way to tell unless we do an x-ray ($150) and possibly an ultrasound (a couple hundred dollars).  And if we find out that he does have cancer, we'd have the question of whether surgery would be helpful or harmful and, if it would be helpful, whether we could afford it.  There would be no way to afford it without putting our dreams of IVF on hold for a while longer. 

So I'm feeling caught between whether to possibly save the life of the furry child I have now or whether to create my possible human child.  Either way we're looking at uncertainties and possibilities.  I don't know if Kechara has cancer.  I don't know if we would be able to conceive on the first try with IVF.  I don't know if he does have cancer, if it would be operable (without hurting him more than it helps).  I don't know if we could become pregnant through IUI instead of IVF.  I don't know how long Kechara would live if cancer was able to be surgically removed...he's 12 years old, but before last year he was perfectly healthy despite being overweight.  I don't know anything except that it will break my heart whenever I do lose Kechara and that it's breaking my heart not being a parent to a human child.