Christy at Searching for our Silver Lining asked me about a comment I made in another post about struggling with the question of hope versus despair. In his post about infertility, Steve Wiens asserts that it's ok to hope. But for me, it's not. For me, having hope just makes the despair worse when I fail, when I am failed by my body.
I've watched The Dark Knight Rises several times recently, and there's something Bane says that captures it for me. Yes, I'm looking to Bane for philosophy, but it fits. "There's a reason why this prison is the worst hell on earth... Hope. Every man who has ventured here over the centuries has looked up to the light and imagined climbing to freedom. So easy... So simple... And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have died trying. I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope. "
That's the danger of hope. The despair is going to be there no matter what. But when I still let myself hope before, the fall was worse because it was from a greater height. The months when I had no hope truly were easier than the ones where I thought something could happen.
I'm glad that other people have hope for me. It touched me deeply when a friend of mine told me a couple years ago that she would hold my hope for me until I was ready for it. There are a few other people that I know have hope that I will be a mother someday, and it means the world to me that they do.
But I can't.