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I first started this blog as part of my commitment to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem when it came to stigma and silence. But lately I've been wondering whether that effort leads to anything positive or whether I should just shut up. I've been hit again with the observation that no one IRL actually cares who I am or how I feel except a few people: my immediate household, my parents, my cousins, and two or three friends. People act like they care when I'm right in front of them, but any other time I'm either gossip fodder or invisible. I'm the one that reaches out because if I don't run into people in person, they forget about me. I'm the one that tries to get to know people better and make acquaintances into friends; I'm not interesting enough for people to want to get to know me. When it keeps happening over and over, that tells me that I'm the one that's the problem, that my needs are inconvenient to others, that it would be better if I were to just shrink myself and my needs until, to everyone outside my family and my job, I just...disappear.
I'm sorry you feel insignificant. It's a terrible feeling that I wish on no one. I've been in a similar place, particularly when life is at a low point.
ReplyDeleteA while ago, I made the decision to stop reaching out to people who weren't reciprocating. I was finding that I was letting my worth be dictated by those who, in the end, really weren't that important to me. Instead I focused on my family and those who were close to me (and were reciprocating). And I made a decision to fill the time with activities/pursuits that brought me happiness. It took some time to break the habit of caring about what those outside looking in thought. But I found over time that owing that I control my happiness has benefitted myself and my family in ways I hadn't expected. And those I use to worry about liking me I don't actually have anything in common with.
A great movie for inspiration is Muriel's Wedding
I often don't reach out to people who don't reciprocate, but that's when I end up invisible because there are so few people who do reciprocate. I thought that doing things that make me happy, like going to a new church and joining the orchestra, would help, but then I made the mistake of wanting to get to know people there and develop reciprocal friendships and ran into the same problem.
DeleteThat really sucks, and it doesn't sound like the people around you are behaving very well if they are gossiping and ignoring you. Mind you, I'm an introvert so immediate family, two or three cousins and friends sounds like a nice comfortable social circle to me. So my instinct would also be to tell everyone else to get lost lol. But I also know that it's nice to feel connected in some bigger way.....it's definitely a feeling I'm missing lately as I struggle to find the energy or motivation to maintain any but a few key relationships.
ReplyDeleteI'm an introvert too, but I learned when I lived in SC and just had my ex for company that I'm less of an introvert than I used to be. I do start to go batty eventually with no one to talk to but my partner. Just family and a couple friends might me enough if they were closer geographically, but aside from my husband and the kids there's only one friend that is nearby...everyone else is 500+ miles away
DeleteThat is a horrible feeling, but I don't think shrinking is the answer. That places their lack of consideration before your needs. I want to believe that the right people are out there. That they just haven't been found yet. Optimistic, perhaps, but it's what I always use to reassure myself when I'm disappointed by the world.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, that is a crap feeling to be slowly disappearing. I have felt this way (recently, actually) and it sucks to feel, like you said, "your needs are inconvenient to others." I feel like reciprocity is increasingly thin and infrequent, but like Mel said, those people are out there. It just sucks when you realize that a lot of "your people" don't seem to truly be there for you. Thinking of you.
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