Monday, October 11, 2010

So, I didn't get invited to my one friend's baby shower, and I don't really know what to think or how to feel about it.  On the one hand, not being invited means that I don't have to decide whether I can make it or come up with an excuse if I can't.  On the other hand, this is the friend that I haven't seen since she was about 5 months along because it hurts too badly to go to the tailgates.  The last I heard from her was when she asked that DH not come to tailgates without me and I replied, "Yeah, I understand what you mean about (DH).  I'm just trying to find a way to make everyone happy, or at least not upset, and there just doesn't seem to be a way to do that."  I posted on her Facebook wall a couple of days ago asking how she was doing, and I haven't heard back from her.

It makes me wonder.  Does she think I don't care about her anymore because I haven't been coming to the tailgates?  Does she think I'm selfish because I'm not oohing and aahing and wanting to see her as many times as I can before the baby is born?  Does she think I'm too weak to be worth talking to and having as a friend because I'm not right there in the middle of everything?

Am I too weak to be worth talking to and having as a friend?  My two best friends tell me that I'm too obsessive, that I can't let this stop me from living, that I shouldn't let it interfere with my life and my friendships, that it doesn't help me to crumble.  How do I not crumble?  How do I not let it interfere with my life?  I try not to let it interfere with my friendships, but I think that depends on the other person in the friendship, too. 

I can't be OK with this.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to be OK with this short of having a baby or not, but I sure as hell can't right now.  I need it to be OK for me not to be OK.  And unfortunately, as far as the above friend goes, I don't get the impression that it's OK with her for me to not be OK.  Now, I understand why that could be.  She's so excited about her baby that it can be hard to think about anyone else but her family and how excited they are.  That makes sense.  But it still puts me in a hell of a position.

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