I just managed to do an intake session with a 9-month-old present without reacting to that aspect of it.  Not sure whether it was because the Zoloft was working well or because I'm getting better at dealing with things or because I hurt too much physically to hurt emotionally, but I'll take it however it comes.

I thought about posting this on Thursday, when it happened, but then I found the myths and facts and decided to post that instead. 

First of all, I'm ok, or at least ok-ish.  Second, I was in a car accident on Thursday morning.  I was stopped in traffic and the person behind me didn't even slow down.  She rear-ended me and pushed me into the car in front of me.  The car (and driver) in front of me were ok, but my front got crunched up from that one.  My trunk was completely smushed in, right up to the bottom of the back windshield.  Something was messed up on the bottom of the car, too, since I heard and felt scraping on the road as I pulled over to the side.  On a 12 year old car, that's definitely damage that totals it.  So now we have to figure out how we'll afford another car for me.  We have a decent-size down payment, at least, once the tax money comes in.  Good thing we finished paying the IF-related bills, although it's disheartening to have another financial hit just after finishing with the last. 

Mostly at this point, I'm just sore.  My back and neck especially, but my left side and my wrists too.  I don't remember if I had my hands on the wheel at that point or not, since I was stopped, but I seem to have torqued at least my right wrist.  Had an x-ray of the left rib area and was glad it turned out not to be broken.  Somehow, I don't think I'll be up for a BD this week.

From Resolve.org, Myths and Facts about Infertility:

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

This is my Infertility Manifesto.  DH encouraged me to write this tonight after something clicked and he was able to understand more of what I've been trying to tell him for the past however many months.

I AM NORMAL.  You won't usually see/hear me say that, since I usually take pride in being (at least) a bit eccentric.  But when it comes to dealing with infertility and wanting to be a parent, I am normal.  I'm not just pulling this out of thin air, I am basing this on what I have been told by my individual therapist, our couples therapist, and other infertile women that I have connected to through the internet and this blog.

When I am proud of myself for being able to walk past a magazine announcing another celebrity pregnancy and not tear up, I am normal.  When I have trouble watching my favorite tv shows because they have pregnancies or infertility, I am normal.  When I feel bitter or angry about other people being able to get pregnant so easily, I am normal.  When I have a hard time making it through a day because of the pregnant people all around me, I am normal.  When I weigh for the umpteenth time whether staying connected with friends and family via Facebook is worth the emotional slaps upside the head when yet another person announces their pregnancy, I am normal.  When I feel happy for a friend and at the same time feel bitter and hopeless, I AM NORMAL.

Do I like feeling angry and bitter and hopeless?  Of course not.  Do I like flinching mentally when I see people that I like and care about?  Of course not.  Do I like feeling like I may never feel better if I don't become a parent one way or another?  Of course not.  Do I like that friends have lost out on things because of what I have and have not been able to handle?  Of course not, and knowing that people lost out made some decisions much harder for me.  Do I like that some of my friends end up in the situation of trying to figure out how to break the news to me?  Definitely not, although I appreciate VERY much that they care enough to do what they can to make it easier.  Do I like that DH feels pressure because of my feelings?  Absolutely not.  At the same time that my feelings cause problems for myself and others, they are normal and I AM NORMAL.

Some people have said that they don't think therapy and medication are helping me much at all because they don't see any improvement in my mood over time.  What people who think that do not realize is that the amount of pain I have been feeling over the past 3 months is probably about double what I was experiencing in the months before that.  So, if people haven't noticed much difference in me in the past few months, that actually means I have gotten significantly better at managing and not showing the stress and pain.  You may not like that it's that way.  I don't like it either.  But that's what it is.

To add to Virginia Satir, I AM ME, I AM NORMAL, AND I AM OK.

I should've posted this on Friday, but I was having a bad weekend (and beginning of this week) with regards to this whole mess.  DH made a special dinner on Friday and gave me a champagne flute of sparkling cider (since we had some lying around, no specific reason for it to be the cider) when I got home from work in order to celebrate us paying off the last of the medical bills from trying to get the IF checked out.  That takes away a huge drain, since it was killing our finances paying a couple hundred a month.  On the one hand, I am REALLY glad to not have that ruining our budgeting anymore.  On the other, it's depressing to know that we just paid $1400 to learn nothing, money we would have been able to avoid having to pay if DH's company's HR department was willing to do their jobs and give us a copy of what was covered on the insurance plan when he asked for it.

I just keep surviving another day; that's all I can do.  I try to appreciate the things I do have, and not paying a couple hundred in medical bills each month will make it easier to do things that at least make me happier temporarily.

If I were smart, I'd find a way to bottle my tears and see if I can use the brine to pickle something.

At couples therapy tonight, the therapist said that she was surprised at how well I'm handling the infertility and the uncertainty about whether we'll ever be trying again.  That made me feel a LOT better, given how many times I've been told in the past year that I suck at handling it and/or that I really ought to be able to handle things better if I actually want to be a mother.

I feel more alone right now than I have at any other point in this journey.  That's not to say I feel like no one cares.  I thank all y'all that are still reading for expressing/showing that you care.  But I feel like there's no one I can relate to. 

I can't relate to the people who have had their dreams come true and become parents.  I can't relate to the people who don't want kids because they're happy without them.  But I also feel like I can't relate to the infertiles anymore.  They're ALLOWED to try.  Even if they're in a period where they can't afford to try, they're still allowed to if the money can be worked out.  And if they've been told it's not possible at all, they can still try to get the money and the agencies together to try and adopt.  But I don't even know if that's ever going to be allowed.

And so it's hard and I feel alone in a way that is completely different from ever before.  I was going to ask for advice from one friend that I thought could relate, but now that friend is going to be a parent.  What I want is advice from someone that still doesn't know if they'll ever be allowed to try.

Tearing up because someone shared a video of a baby from Yahoo with this comment: "A babys laughter is the greatest joy in life..."

I wouldn't know.

I can understand the idea that God has something He wants me to learn.  I want to learn what He wants me to learn.  However, if all this is supposed to be Him teaching me something, then I feel like a 4th grader put in AP classes, floundering and failing at it while everyone else has to work at it but at least succeeds when they work at it.