#MicroblogMondays: Good News and Bad News Leads to What?

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I hadn't had time to blog this last week because I was leaving town, but I had my mid-cycle follow up last Tuesday.  The Femara worked...a little too well.  I had FOUR follicles maturing.  The doctor asked whether we would consider selective reduction if we went forward with the cycle, and both Papa Bear and I could not do it.  She then offered to use a needle to aspirate two of the eggs that day, but Papa Bear did not feel good with it ethically (I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but if he's not comfortable with it we won't do it).  So we were told to use protection for the rest of the week.  I talked to my parents about it (who made my sister on the 7th or 8th treatment cycle), and they thought we should try anyway because two of the follicles were smaller than the other two and because the chance of higher order multiples is still pretty low.  I prayed about whether we should try or not.  Man, I wish God gave clear yes/no answers.  The next day was my birthday.  We had made it to New York for the holiday and, through a twist of fate, got a second suite comped to us at the Residence Inn for the kids so that we had a king-size bed/room to ourselves with no kids on the other side of the wall.  Seemed like a sign for sure.  So now we wait and see.

Grief is Why We Tell the Story

I've been listening to the soundtrack for Once on this Island over and over as I introduce the older kids to it (and then keep playing it when they're not in the car, which is most of my driving time).  If you go by the measurement of how long it takes me to wear out the CD, Wicked is definitely my favorite musical, with Once on this Island and Ragtime close behind.  This song made me tear up as I was driving to work this morning.

For those who aren't familiar with it, the end of the show is very bittersweet, as the main character dies for her love.  This song celebrates the sharing of stories within societies and families and across generations.

"Life is why we tell the story
Pain is why we tell the story
Love is why we tell the story
Grief is why we tell the story
Hope is why we tell the story
Faith is why we tell the story
You are why we tell the story."

This fits with why I talk about my loss of Otter.  The whole story of Once on this Island is being passed down from older generation to younger in a peasant village, and it made me think of telling my son some day about his sibling, or of telling any other children we may be able to have about their other sibling that they never knew.

All of these are why we tell the story.  Otter had life, even if it was not life outside of my body.  We loved Otter, and losing her (see past post for why Otter has a gender in my writing) led to pain and grief.  The circumstances surrounding the loss ruined the hope that we had, but they also led to the possibility of new hope (if I could only feel it myself) of conception not being affected by endometriosis.  I try to have faith that we will be able to have another child.

And my son (as well as any others we may have) is why we tell the story.  At some point in the future, he will know what a miracle it was that I was able to conceive and carry him.  Because even though Otter came and went after him, it is somewhat his story as well.

Fertility Prayer

My feelings about God and faith have been complicated through this infertility journey.  I have never doubted that God exists and that He has a plan for me.  What I have doubted and wondered about is whether God ever wants me to be a parent, whether this pain will ever end.  Whether I'm following God's plan for me or insisting on what I want despite how much I've been trying to figure out and do what He wants me to.

When we first started TTC, I was praying for God to work His will with regards to us building a family and to give me patience while I waited for Him to work His will.  Even while I was getting frustrated, I continued to pray that same prayer, putting special emphasis on begging for patience.  After a year or so, I was talking about it with my pastor, and she told me that I should also start asking God specifically for a healthy baby.  So I've been doing that, but still wondering if that's what He wants. 

Especially as we've been running into all of these obstacles, I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing.  I've been asking God to let me know if He wants me to be doing something else, but I don't know if what He's trying to tell me is to wait for July (or beyond) or that I'm doing the wrong thing.  I'm dumb, I need skywriting.  I'm going with the IVF plus PGD plan because I am going to try for what I want in the absence of anything that makes it clear that I should be doing something else, but I'm still asking and looking for a message to either say I'm doing the right thing or that I'm not.

One thing I wonder, though, is what the point is of other people praying for me.  I know why I pray, to ask God to meet my needs and to give me guidance about what He wants me to be doing.  But what does other people praying for me accomplish?  How much of God's plan is fixed?  Does He change what He's going to do just because people ask Him to?  Or was it His plan all along as to when situations change?

Obviously I don't expect anyone reading this to have answers to these questions, I'm just sharing them because they came back to the forefront of my mind after reading this prayer posted by Witty Infertility:

Almighty Creator, hear this fertility prayer and the wishes of my heart. You know my deep desire for a child -- a little one to love and to hold, to care for, to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in Your holy image. Guide me in all my choices so that this conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth are in line with Your will. Heavenly Father and Holy Mother, hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit. Amen!

Music Monday #4 - Shades of Gray

Well, here's a Music Monday that I know my mom will like!  She very definitely raised my brother and me on the Monkees.  I chose this song tonight for a couple of reasons.  One of them is the passing of JoePa.  This article does a very good job of looking at his situation and emphasizing that for many people this is not a black and white situation and that we cannot effectively be defined as people by one decision or set of decisions.

The other reason I chose this song is the verse about how, "It was easy then to know...how much to protect your heart and how much to care."  That's something I've really had to work on and work out at different times in the infertility process, and it's coming up again as we have the potential to be making progress again.  How much do I protect my heart as we hopefully go into IVF?  I won't really know until I get there, but my natural inclination now is to guard myself.  That sure as hell wasn't my inclination 2 years ago, but it has become my MO.  I'm afraid to care because every time I have in this process, I've been crushed by that.  Typing this reminds me of a Bible verse that was given to me when I was going under anesthesia for the first time and was scared: "For the Lord did not give us a spirit of fear, but of faith, love, and a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7.  Unfortunately, though, going in with faith, love, and a sound mind (or as sound as mine ever has been!) led to nothing but heartache, so I have to find the shades of gray that work for me at any given time.

For my mom and any other Monkees fanatics, I'm putting in two videos of the same song.  One is from 97 and actually has all four Monkees together, which is why I'm including it.  The other is from 2011 and shows off Peter both singing a solo and breaking out the French Horn.  Since he always played the lovable fool on the show, it's easy to forget that he was one of the musicians, not one of the actors.

Advent Message for Infertiles

The sermon that we had today at church really struck me as important for the infertile community as well as anyone else who is having a tough time with the holidays.  I've seen many people, both infertile and not, saying that the holidays are a hard time this year, partially because of everyone else seeming happy and excited.  The pastor spoke of how many people put on a happy mask while experiencing, in the words of Angela Lansbury, "rivers of pain inside." 

Pastor Kathy pointed out that, while we tend to romanticize the manger and stable, the first Christmas came out of hardship and struggle.  While those of us that have never been able to be pregnant can't really imagine it, Mary's journey by donkey when she was about to pop had to have hurt.  Chances are they didn't get to stay in inns on the way; a blanket roll on the ground was a very real possibility.  Mary didn't have a midwife to help her through the labor, and I'll bet the hay they got to sleep on poked all of them through the coverings they had.  None of it was how Joseph, or even Mary, had imagined it would be, just like none of creating a family is how we thought it would be.  But still, Joseph and Mary made time and space in their hearts for awe and wonder, just as we can in the midst of our own struggles.

This doesn't make Christmas feel more real for me, especially since I'm not sure why I feel separated and there's no definite link to other people being happy when I'm not.  Still, I thought it was an important message and one worth sharing.

Finally Getting Answers!!

I got a call from the RE himself on Wednesday with the results of DH's genetic testing.  DH is a carrier for exactly one thing.  To quote Love Actually, you may have guessed it, but you may not believe it, it's SMA!

So now we get to learn a lot about pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.  The article I just linked to provided some really good information.  We still have a bunch of questions for the RE when we meet with him next Friday, though.  One question that I have for anyone who has needed PGD is how significantly it impacted the number of embryos they still had to transfer/freeze, whether they still had enough.

The biggest impact that the news has on me is that I finally have some sort of answer to the cosmic question of WHY.  Why we had to deal with infertility.  Why we couldn't have our first cycle when we were supposed to.  Why we weren't able to do what so many other people can do so easily.  The question of why is still on the list of questions I have for God when I get a chance to ask him, but it's moved a lot farther down the list.

A Prayer for Today

Lord, please grant me strength.  I'm out of what You gave me before.

Sermon

I'm outing myself and DH to my church as infertile in about 10 hours.  Some of the people we go to church with know about the infertility, but many do not.  Some of that is because there are a lot of members who I don't know, either because of our merge with another church or because they have recently joined.  Some of it is because I'm not sure the members of the church who remember me as a toddler really want to think about me in the way.  A large part of it is that I did not want to spread DH's business all over the church.

As I was writing my sermon, though, I was writing about changing the world despite encountering resistance.  As DH was reading what I had so far, part of his feedback was that it would be better if it was more personal and had more background.  DH and I discussed whether or not to include this type of background in the sermon.  DH ended up not having an opinion on whether to mention it or not, so I decided to do it.  At this point, I'm more concerned about the sermon overall than I am about the infertility aspect, but we'll see how things go overall.

I can understand the idea that God has something He wants me to learn.  I want to learn what He wants me to learn.  However, if all this is supposed to be Him teaching me something, then I feel like a 4th grader put in AP classes, floundering and failing at it while everyone else has to work at it but at least succeeds when they work at it.

The sermon at church this morning was about Advent being a time of preparation and waiting.  It made me think, because part of what makes this so hard is that I've done a lot of the preparation, and it feels like I've done that preparation for nothing.  I declined to run again for my elected position so that I could free up time and be doing less traveling.  I prepared my heart for a baby.  I started to prepare my house by accepting baby things that a friend was getting rid of...which are now gathering dust in the attic.  I worked on preparing my mind by learning more about pregnancy and childbirth.  I work on preparing my body every month by checking when I'm ovulating and by not drinking for 2 weeks every month.  And I work on preparing my body on a daily basis by trying to eat healthier and deal with my weight.

I feel like I've cleaned the house and decorated and made food for a party that in the end no one wants to come to.  So I'm sitting at home alone while the food grows cold and the decorations wilt.

I'm trying to handle the waiting, but it's hard just like it was hard for the Jews in the days of Isaiah when they were waiting and preparing for something they never got to see and benefit from.  I keep praying for patience and peace, but I don't even get a prophet telling me that it will eventually come.