Thursday, March 10, 2016

The Death of Hope

I haven't been blogging lately because I've been having a lot of feelings, but they haven't really been coalescing into words and sentences very well.  It's just been pain, unarticulated.  Tears without words.

I really just need to give up hope of becoming pregnant again and being able to keep a pregnancy.  Maybe then it will hurt less.  Every month I'm trying to not expect anything, but then my body screws around with me, is off one day or another, and I start to wonder.  And that's what kills me, because it makes the "no" more crushing.  If I don't wonder, it won't hurt as much.

It's simple math.  Endometriosis reduces the chances each month from 20-25% to 2-4%.  I was 33 when I was last pregnant.  At 2% per month, that's as long as 50 months before I would get pregnant again.  By then, I'll be 38, almost 39, and having age affecting my ability to get pregnant.  So by the time the endometriosis would let me get pregnant, age won't.

I have a toddler, and I love him, and I'm lucky and privileged to have him.  I have a husband who adores me, and who I love deeply.  I have stepchildren who I love.  That's going to have to be enough.


  1. I'm sorry but I am a fairly new reader (from Microblog Mondays). Have you had surgery to correct the endo? Did the dr tell you what stage endo you have?

    1. The doctor never told me what stage it was. I had an ectopic pregnancy in May/June of last year that was implanted in my ovary because my tube on that side was down to a pinprick opening. The doctor said that he got all the endo on that side during the surgery to remove the baby, along with taking the ovary and tube. I think he said I still had a little on the other side that he hadn't been able to get to (while he was busy keeping me from bleeding out), but my husband thinks he had said I don't have any on that side. I need to make another appointment with him anyway, since it's almost time for another Pap smear (I'm still on the every year plan thanks to my mom's medical history), and I'm going to ask him then.