I haven't been blogging lately because I've been having a lot of feelings, but they haven't really been coalescing into words and sentences very well. It's just been pain, unarticulated. Tears without words.
I really just need to give up hope of becoming pregnant again and being able to keep a pregnancy. Maybe then it will hurt less. Every month I'm trying to not expect anything, but then my body screws around with me, is off one day or another, and I start to wonder. And that's what kills me, because it makes the "no" more crushing. If I don't wonder, it won't hurt as much.
It's simple math. Endometriosis reduces the chances each month from 20-25% to 2-4%. I was 33 when I was last pregnant. At 2% per month, that's as long as 50 months before I would get pregnant again. By then, I'll be 38, almost 39, and having age affecting my ability to get pregnant. So by the time the endometriosis would let me get pregnant, age won't.
I have a toddler, and I love him, and I'm lucky and privileged to have him. I have a husband who adores me, and who I love deeply. I have stepchildren who I love. That's going to have to be enough.