We tested today. Papa Bear was getting even more antsy than I was about testing. He first wanted to test on Friday morning after the kids were gone, but then he wanted to test this afternoon when we could both be home for lunch. I didn't mind testing, since I wanted to know. But I knew right away that it was a no, as the control line got dark right away with nothing else showing.
Papa Bear is more sanguine about this BFN than I am. He sees it as more information to work with, that maybe we really need the progesterone that I had been prescribed with the Clomid before in order for a baby to stick. He still has hope for next month and, if necessary, the ones after that.
I don't. I had hope this month. I really thought that with FOUR eggs, we had a chance. I thought that we would be likely to become pregnant and that the biggest question would be how many babies there would be. I was still scared of a no, more scared of it than Papa Bear, who was much more scared of higher order multiples. But I thought there could be a yes. I had hope.
Not anymore. It feels like hope is a finite resource and I blew it all this month. I used too much, and now I have nothing left.