I'm a therapist, so it's my job to help people see their own worth. But I'm not very good at it when it comes to myself. A pastor I had said to me that "Love your neighbor as yourself" also means "love yourself as well as you do your neighbor," and it really hit home with me. I use that line in therapy a LOT, as a matter of fact. But I still am not very good at it when it comes to myself.
I give others the benefit of the doubt about getting things done while I rip myself to shreds for what I leave undone. Housecleaning is a big one for me when it comes to that. I constantly hate myself for not doing more. I hate myself for not being at home at night helping Papa Bear take care of the kids and the house, even while I know that most of the reasons are because I'm working and bringing in the money that we need. And at the same time I hate myself for not bringing in enough money for us to be more comfortable financially and to be able to live somewhere where we're not cramped.
I wonder sometimes if the reason why God won't give us another baby is because I'm not worth enough because I don't do enough, don't do well enough, at taking care of the family that I do have and the child that He did give me already.
I think that's part of why I find it so hard to forgive myself, forgive my body, for this cycle. I'm not just failing myself, I'm failing my whole family. Papa Bear makes it clear that he loves me and loves my body regardless of whether I can conceive (more on that in another post), so that doesn't come from his attitudes about me/infertility at ALL. But I'm not the only one that wants this. Patrick doesn't know one way or the other, but the older kids have both made it clear in various ways that they would like for us to be able to have more kids. And if I'm failing to do this for them, where is my worth?