Thursday, February 03, 2011

I really need to find something good to say when people ask if I have kids.  When I say no, people always ask why not or whether I want kids.  Saying I don't want kids would be a lie, but saying I hope to have kids someday would also be a lie because I don't have anything resembling hope anymore.

DH has been doing a LOT better over the past two weeks...he's actually been someone I recognize as the man I met and married.  Among many other differences, he's been caring and concerned when something related to babies or infertility comes up even though I don't react or have feelings.

I keep trying to convince myself that I can be happy without kids.  Or with my only "kids" being youth at church and the APO brothers I work with.

One of my friends from work is an older divorced woman.  She and I were talking today, and she said that she did not have kids because her second husband did not want to.  She said that she very much regrets that decision.

I was talking to my mom tonight, and she was telling me that when my dad wanted to join the National Guard, she knew that it would cause problems and complications but that she also knew that she couldn't tell him no.  Apparently my dad and her discussed a lot and my dad truly did give Mom a choice, but she knew that being a soldier was enough ingrained in who he was and what he needed that it wouldn't be right to tell him no.  Even when Dad's Guard schedule caused problems and conflicts down the road, she says she never regretted saying yes.

I think about that, though, and I wonder, which one of me and DH is supposed to be my mom in that situation and which is supposed to be my dad?

I don't want a situation where DH resents me or our hypothetical kids because of the things he doesn't get to do.  I also wouldn't want to leave DH and marry someone who does want kids.  I made a vow, "till death do us part," and even if what he wants out of life has changed from what he wanted a decade ago, I sill made that vow.  At the same time, while most of that dream of being a mother has withered up and died, there are still bits of it in there like a cancer, waiting to grow and take over again.  Mom says I can't use not feeling anything as a permanent solution.  But where does that leave me?


  1. When asked why you do not have kids or when you will be having them, you could always turn around and ask them, "Why do you want to know?

    Responses I have used:

    It apparently isn't as easy for us as it must have been for you!

    When the good Lord decides to bless us with babies is when we will have them.

    One of my FAVORITE answers was always:

    I'll let you know if and when the time comes.

    I developed some thick skin over time and was shocked at what sometimes came out of my very own mouth.

    Quite frankly though, it is no one's business unless you decide to confide in them.

    Keep your chin up!!

  2. I think you are religious (I am not) but saying something about whenever God blesses us (or whatever Gods plan is for us, etc) is always an answer, and it seems appropriate given your feelings and beliefs.

    Or a simple no should work... if they are nosy, tell them off! :) Why is it anyone's (other than maybe friends) business? I would be offended if people asked me if I was married, or when I was going to be. Its not like I haven't been trying to find a good guy!!!

  3. I watch entirely too much anime but there are some great thoughts in them. I can't remember which anime it was (I'll let you know if I figure it out) but there was a single child, a little girl. Her parents had hidden things in their storage shed and she ran across them when looking for something else. They were photos of her parents doing the things they loved, snippets of their hopes and dreams. She got very upset and when her father found her crying in the shed and asked her what was wrong she said, "It's my fault that you and mom couldn't go for your dreams. If I wasn't born you'd be happy. I held you back." Her father sighed and said that no, her being born just gave them a whole new set of dreams.

    It's what I thought of, I don't know if that's of any help at all...

  4. I was diagnosed with PCOS a few months ago. Right now I'm in the process of trying to cure it naturally with weight loss.

    Since I found out I had PCOS I joined some great support site where other women are just lie me. And it is truly a wonderful feeling.