I really need to find something good to say when people ask if I have kids. When I say no, people always ask why not or whether I want kids. Saying I don't want kids would be a lie, but saying I hope to have kids someday would also be a lie because I don't have anything resembling hope anymore.
DH has been doing a LOT better over the past two weeks...he's actually been someone I recognize as the man I met and married. Among many other differences, he's been caring and concerned when something related to babies or infertility comes up even though I don't react or have feelings.
I keep trying to convince myself that I can be happy without kids. Or with my only "kids" being youth at church and the APO brothers I work with.
One of my friends from work is an older divorced woman. She and I were talking today, and she said that she did not have kids because her second husband did not want to. She said that she very much regrets that decision.
I was talking to my mom tonight, and she was telling me that when my dad wanted to join the National Guard, she knew that it would cause problems and complications but that she also knew that she couldn't tell him no. Apparently my dad and her discussed a lot and my dad truly did give Mom a choice, but she knew that being a soldier was enough ingrained in who he was and what he needed that it wouldn't be right to tell him no. Even when Dad's Guard schedule caused problems and conflicts down the road, she says she never regretted saying yes.
I think about that, though, and I wonder, which one of me and DH is supposed to be my mom in that situation and which is supposed to be my dad?
I don't want a situation where DH resents me or our hypothetical kids because of the things he doesn't get to do. I also wouldn't want to leave DH and marry someone who does want kids. I made a vow, "till death do us part," and even if what he wants out of life has changed from what he wanted a decade ago, I sill made that vow. At the same time, while most of that dream of being a mother has withered up and died, there are still bits of it in there like a cancer, waiting to grow and take over again. Mom says I can't use not feeling anything as a permanent solution. But where does that leave me?