Today was more of the same pull between holding it together and...not holding it together. I still managed to keep the not holding it together contained, letting the ugly crying happen while I was driving.
There was something that my work BFF said that made me feel a little better, though, even while it made me tear up. She said that she believes our babies are together in heaven and that Got has told them plenty of time that their mommies are friends and love them beyond words. I like that idea. One of the things that helped me a little when we first lost Otter (what we called the baby, like my son was Penguin in utero) was the thought that my mom was holding her. (We didn't get any testing done, so we don't know the gender, but we thought of Otter as a girl all along, and I'd rather use a more specific pronoun than "it" because "it" doesn't sound like a baby, a person to me, "it" sounds like a thing.) So now I have the mental image of my mom playing with both of our babies, spoiling them like she always wanted to do with her grandchildren and like she didn't get the chance to do with my son.
That's a lovely image. And I'm sure that's what is happening.
ReplyDeleteI had the same feeling with my first pregnancy. I just knew it was a girl. Same with the second, and that was confirmed by genetic testing. I never told anyone. DH didn't even want to know the genetic testing results (we found out I have a chromosome abnormality so he found that out but not the gender at that time). I later had a close friend call me early one morning to tell me that she had a dream. She had a dream that my two girls were in Heaven with a man, she said they were waiting on names and were watching over me. She said that God had told them he would send me a baby one day and that it just wasn't time yet. I have held that image so close and it has gotten me through some dark times. I just know there is a beautiful place where we will be reunited with our little angels one day. (HUGS)
ReplyDelete*HUG* Maybe all the lost babies get to play together in a big nursery. I love that your friend had that dream and that it has been a comfort to you.
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