Agitated and upset. Wanting to talk about it. But also wanting to hide in a hole and not talk to anyone. Scrolling through the chat section of my Facebook feed to see who's online. Not clicking on anyone.
I don't know this person well enough to talk about it. That person can't relate. This person won't want to hear about it. This other person would relate but isn't online. I could talk to that one, but...and I still don't click. Because it might just be easier to keep playing Facebook games and refreshing my news feed while I try to get paperwork done. Then I know I'm not bothering anyone. And I can continue to hide in my hole. It's comfortable in there, wallowing. Kinda. At least I kinda know what to expect there. And I don't have to risk bothering anyone, nor do I have to find other things to talk about to avoid bothering them with what's really upsetting me.
But then I click on the chat list again, just to see if anyone different is online. Maybe that person I was thinking of who would relate has jumped on. Or that other person who I can chat with about little things and cheer myself up a little. Nope, no one else has jumped on Facebook in the 30 seconds since I clicked the last time. So I should go write a client note. And then I click again on the chat list, and still do nothing.
That's part of why I started blogging again. Part of it was to reconnect, but part of it was because there's less pressure (that I know I put on myself) here and less concern about bothering people. Even though I got some criticism from friends and others when I was writing on this blog before, it's other people's choice of whether to read or not. So if they don't like what I write, they don't have to read it. And if I would be bothering them, they don't have to read it. But I still get to write it.