My feelings about God and faith have been complicated through this infertility journey. I have never doubted that God exists and that He has a plan for me. What I have doubted and wondered about is whether God ever wants me to be a parent, whether this pain will ever end. Whether I'm following God's plan for me or insisting on what I want despite how much I've been trying to figure out and do what He wants me to.
When we first started TTC, I was praying for God to work His will with regards to us building a family and to give me patience while I waited for Him to work His will. Even while I was getting frustrated, I continued to pray that same prayer, putting special emphasis on begging for patience. After a year or so, I was talking about it with my pastor, and she told me that I should also start asking God specifically for a healthy baby. So I've been doing that, but still wondering if that's what He wants.
Especially as we've been running into all of these obstacles, I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. I've been asking God to let me know if He wants me to be doing something else, but I don't know if what He's trying to tell me is to wait for July (or beyond) or that I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm dumb, I need skywriting. I'm going with the IVF plus PGD plan because I am going to try for what I want in the absence of anything that makes it clear that I should be doing something else, but I'm still asking and looking for a message to either say I'm doing the right thing or that I'm not.
One thing I wonder, though, is what the point is of other people praying for me. I know why I pray, to ask God to meet my needs and to give me guidance about what He wants me to be doing. But what does other people praying for me accomplish? How much of God's plan is fixed? Does He change what He's going to do just because people ask Him to? Or was it His plan all along as to when situations change?
Obviously I don't expect anyone reading this to have answers to these questions, I'm just sharing them because they came back to the forefront of my mind after reading this prayer posted by Witty Infertility:
Almighty Creator, hear this fertility prayer and the wishes of my heart. You know my deep desire for a child -- a little one to love and to hold, to care for, to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in Your holy image. Guide me in all my choices so that this conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth are in line with Your will. Heavenly Father and Holy Mother, hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit. Amen!
First of all, I not only ask for healthy babies from your womb, I ask that they be full-term. Other people's prayers add to our intent - "Wherever 2 or more of you are gathered, there I am in the midst of you." Most of us figure that also means prayer, not just presence, & that it doesn't have to be simultaneous.
ReplyDeleteI have found that doing God's will is all about intent. Those of us who have that intent & will in our deepest heart end up living it even when we aren't aware. I remember going thru a terribly dark period in my life while dating a guy in college. I saw him "by chance" waiting for a bus near my office building one day after work. He had no idea I worked there, I had entirely lost track of him. He thanked me, told me of how he'd completely given his life to Jesus. I was floored, asked him why he was thanking me since I was actually suicidal while we were dating! He told me how my faith underlined my life & shined through despite everything! So when I felt furthest away, I was doing His work without knowing it!
You're doing God's work right now. You are following His will & path for you. I know it because I know what's in your heart & you've expressed it for all to see & hear in this blog. For some reason, part of His plan is for you to not have your heart's strongest desire right now. But I know God created the strength of this desire in your heart also, for a reason. Unfortunately, patience doesn't come easily or naturally to you or me or anyone else I've ever known. And you have to wait to see what comes next in this plan. Look at my life, Dearest. See Him at work, but also see all the struggle & pain that's been present despite His great power & might, His presence in my life. I happen to think a lot of my value to Him & others is all I've endured & learned from.
Part of the problem I have with "where 2 or 3 of you are" and with the section in James 5 about prayer is that so many times worthy people pray with intent for someone who is good and loves God and the person ends up screwed anyway.
DeleteScrewed is a matter of perspective I think. Because often we learn more & get further by not getting what we want, or not right away. I know it's ironic of me to be saying this after our talk last night & that it makes it sound like I'm saying not having a baby yet is for your own good. I'm truly not saying that. What I'm saying is that as I look back at all that's happened in my life until recently, I can see where the adversity has benefitted me in some way, or eventually led to something really great. We simply don't see it while we're in it & it appears that we're "screwed." So recently, I feel "screwed," as do you. But once we've moved on in life & can look back, we'll see that prayer was indeed answered & God was there. When we're in the middle of the thick forest, we only see the density of the trees, not that there's a meadow beyond.
ReplyDelete