My feelings about God and faith have been complicated through this infertility journey. I have never doubted that God exists and that He has a plan for me. What I have doubted and wondered about is whether God ever wants me to be a parent, whether this pain will ever end. Whether I'm following God's plan for me or insisting on what I want despite how much I've been trying to figure out and do what He wants me to.
When we first started TTC, I was praying for God to work His will with regards to us building a family and to give me patience while I waited for Him to work His will. Even while I was getting frustrated, I continued to pray that same prayer, putting special emphasis on begging for patience. After a year or so, I was talking about it with my pastor, and she told me that I should also start asking God specifically for a healthy baby. So I've been doing that, but still wondering if that's what He wants.
Especially as we've been running into all of these obstacles, I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. I've been asking God to let me know if He wants me to be doing something else, but I don't know if what He's trying to tell me is to wait for July (or beyond) or that I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm dumb, I need skywriting. I'm going with the IVF plus PGD plan because I am going to try for what I want in the absence of anything that makes it clear that I should be doing something else, but I'm still asking and looking for a message to either say I'm doing the right thing or that I'm not.
One thing I wonder, though, is what the point is of other people praying for me. I know why I pray, to ask God to meet my needs and to give me guidance about what He wants me to be doing. But what does other people praying for me accomplish? How much of God's plan is fixed? Does He change what He's going to do just because people ask Him to? Or was it His plan all along as to when situations change?
Obviously I don't expect anyone reading this to have answers to these questions, I'm just sharing them because they came back to the forefront of my mind after reading this prayer posted by Witty Infertility:
Almighty Creator, hear this fertility prayer and the wishes of my heart. You know my deep desire for a child -- a little one to love and to hold, to care for, to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in Your holy image. Guide me in all my choices so that this conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth are in line with Your will. Heavenly Father and Holy Mother, hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit. Amen!