Has anyone ever felt compelled to keep picking at a scab or pimple even thought it hurts? That was how I felt at the Maryland game today. There were 2 women side by side with infants in the same row of the section next to ours. I couldn't stop looking over there. It wasn't a complete stab it the heart each time, which I suppose is a good thing. But I couldn't stop looking at what I want and may never be able to have.
I feel like so much of my life is on hold. I can't tailgate with my friends at this point because it hurts too much to spend the time with a one-year-old, a one-month-old, and a friend due in November. I let go of a position I loved within APO, thinking that I would need a position where I'm not traveling by now. Instead, I have a project that I am working on through mid-November that I enjoy, but I'm at loose ends after that. I don't know what I'll be doing, I don't know what will be available that fits my abilities and interests, and I feel like I'm being punished for trying to do the responsible thing for myself, my family, and my students, given that I expected I'd be able to do what 85% of couples are able to do in a year.