Thursday, September 23, 2010

How do I decide what to do or say and what not to do or say in terms of events and taking care of myself?  My decisions on what I can handle, how many babies and pregnant women I can stand to be around, don't just affect me, they affect friends that rely on me if they want to be able to do fun things.  How do I tell them they have to suffer because I'm too fragile?  How do I tell friends that I've had for years that I don't know if I can keep from crying if I see them?  How do I tell newer acquaintances/friends that it hurts to see them?  How do I tell someone that their greatest happiness is a knife in the heart for me?

I feel like I'm supposed to just move past this and find a way to be "fine," but I don't know how.  I don't know if there is a way for me to be "fine" without a baby in my body or in my arms.  I can't become a shut-in, but everywhere I go it slaps me in the face, and I have yet to find a way to not feel slapped by it.  I don't want to be a burden on the people that care about me, and I feel like I am at this point.

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