Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is?Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.
One of my clients handed this book to me to borrow a couple of weeks ago. A family friend had suggested it to her after she recently lost her husband. She said I would cry when reading it, and she was right, but it was the good kind of cry, the "yes, that's what it's like" kind of cry. It's written to fit for children and adults both, and it does a really good job of breaking down how grief changes and how it gets shared with others.
The main author has written several other short books and pamphlets, mainly about losing a child. She has a book for the older sibling of a lost baby and one for the rainbow baby. She has a pamphlet for parents after a miscarriage. I don't know if that would help or not at the stage that I'm at right now, but I've been thinking about getting it.
Right now, I feel so alone, like we're the only ones who can't have a rainbow baby. I know that's not true, I know there are so many people out there who haven't been able to have theirs. But it feels like it's just us. I still get a lot of comfort from having my son, and I know that's comfort and joy that I wouldn't have if Otter had come before him. But it's still lonely, and I'm still making my tear soup.
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Monday, February 22, 2016
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Music Monday #7 - When You Say Nothing At All
I've always thought this was a beautiful song...if for some reason I'm just listening and not singing, I prefer the duet version that I've posted here. Most of the time, though, I prefer to listen to the Keith Whitley version and sing Alison Krauss' part myself.
The song doesn't entirely apply to me and DH, since he and I are both Words of Affirmation people as well as Physical Touch. For those who are not familiar with Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages, the basic premise is that we as humans express and relieve love in one or two of five different languages: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, and Acts of Service. I highly recommend the book for anyone who has never read it...I learned a lot about myself and others from it, and the knowledge I gained helped to improve several relationships in my life.
The song doesn't entirely apply to me and DH, since he and I are both Words of Affirmation people as well as Physical Touch. For those who are not familiar with Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages, the basic premise is that we as humans express and relieve love in one or two of five different languages: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, and Acts of Service. I highly recommend the book for anyone who has never read it...I learned a lot about myself and others from it, and the knowledge I gained helped to improve several relationships in my life.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Book Review - What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting
I got this book a while ago for DH, and he read it at that point, but it was not until a month or so ago that I picked it up. It was written by comedian Marc Sedaka, with a supporting role played by Dr. Gregory Rosen, one of the RE's that Sedaka and his wife saw during their IF process. DH thought the book was well-written, but he does not think every husband entering the IF journey should read it because anyone that was like him would, if reading it too early, become convinced that their wife would want to spend $250,000 on interventions like the Sedakas did.
I decided to pick the book up again after I came home worrying that I was so far up in the crazy tree that I could see for miles. DH told me that as long as I wasn't considering kidnapping, I wasn't topping out the "Wife Psycho Level" scale and pulled out the book to show me what he meant. Now, I can see some people getting offended at the idea of there being such a scale in there. Not me. As a therapist, if you get offended by stuff like that, or are even just not able to laugh at it, you won't last long in the field without getting really burnt out.
The book is very clearly written for guys. It uses a lot of sports comparisons (which was fine with me!), and does a lot of boiling things down into what the guy needs to know, what the guy needs to do at a minimum, and what the guy can do to earn extra brownie points. Dr. Rosen interjects into what Sedaka is saying to add in the medical details and to tell Sedaka when he is dumbing it down too much. Throughout the book, Sedaka does an effective job of weaving his story in with the knowledge that he wants to convey while making sure the book still flows well. I definitely recommend it for couples, especially couples where the husband is not one to assume the worst scenario presented will be the definite outcome.
I decided to pick the book up again after I came home worrying that I was so far up in the crazy tree that I could see for miles. DH told me that as long as I wasn't considering kidnapping, I wasn't topping out the "Wife Psycho Level" scale and pulled out the book to show me what he meant. Now, I can see some people getting offended at the idea of there being such a scale in there. Not me. As a therapist, if you get offended by stuff like that, or are even just not able to laugh at it, you won't last long in the field without getting really burnt out.
The book is very clearly written for guys. It uses a lot of sports comparisons (which was fine with me!), and does a lot of boiling things down into what the guy needs to know, what the guy needs to do at a minimum, and what the guy can do to earn extra brownie points. Dr. Rosen interjects into what Sedaka is saying to add in the medical details and to tell Sedaka when he is dumbing it down too much. Throughout the book, Sedaka does an effective job of weaving his story in with the knowledge that he wants to convey while making sure the book still flows well. I definitely recommend it for couples, especially couples where the husband is not one to assume the worst scenario presented will be the definite outcome.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Judgment Day
I've been thinking a lot lately about how how judge the people around us. Several things have been contributing to that. Katie at From IF to When had a great post a couple of weeks ago about judgment, bouncing off of another post by Mel from Stirrup Queens. Like I said yesterday, the Creme de la Creme list is out, and seeing my Infertility Manifesto on there reminds me of the judgments that led me to write that post. And I had an experience recently that made me feel very judged and reminded me of the unfairly high standards that infertiles are expected to meet, as compared to people who become pregnant easily.
I highly resent being judged, particularly by a different standard than that used for other people. Yes, I realize that by having this blog, I open myself up to be judged by more people than I otherwise would. However, aside from a couple of specific circumstances, I haven't encountered judgmental statements from people about what I post. People may be thinking them, but I haven't had to deal with it because they have rarely been shared with me. Besides, I believe in the importance of shedding light on the experience of infertility even more than I hate being judged, so this is worth the price of being judged to me.
Now, I know I can be judgmental, too. The biggest reason that I had been thinking about Katie's post is that I have been reading Inconceivable, by Julia Indichova. I'll get more into this when I finish and review the book in another post, but the book definitely sparked judgmental feelings in me that I had to grapple with. The author conceived on her first try at about 40 and then dealt with secondary infertility related to age and extremely high FSH. It helped me to deal with my feelings about this that she recognized she was "going back for seconds" before so many infertiles had been served once, but I did still struggle with anger at what felt to me like naivete and selfishness/greediness on her part. It's never likely to affect Julia, because she's never heard of me and will probably see this blog, but it still struck me that I was being judgmental of her and that it wasn't fair of me.
Back to a couple of days ago, DH and I were essentially told that we really shouldn't be parents because at this point, while we don't have kids, we engage in activities that involve travel and being away on weekends, and we haven't committed to giving every bit of that up before even conceiving. Who said this is immaterial here, it's the point itself that really had my blood boiling. It is nobody's right except mine and my husband's to determine how is right for us to live our lives. Unless there is a reason to suspect abuse or neglect, it is nobody's right except mine and my husband's to determine how to raise our future children. Unless there is a reason to suspect abuse or neglect, it is nobody's right except mine and my husband's to determine whether we "should" be parents to a hypothetical child that may never even exist.
DH and I both know that if we are able to have children one way or another, our lives will change drastically. We know that what we are able to do, the amount of traveling we will be able to do, and the breadth and depth of our activities will change drastically. Doing all of the things that we do to the extent that we do them will be impossible for a time. Whether that time is two years or twenty, we have no idea and will not be able to know until we get there. Doing absolutely nothing except work and parenting would be impossible for us as well, though. I have seen that kind of parenting in action, and it's not what I want for my child, let alone for myself.
All that said, though, I don't owe you or anyone else that explanation, and neither does DH. It's none of your business what discussions we have had between us about how to schedule things and how much we will continue to do unless we choose to share information with you about it. It's not even any of your business whether we're even had those discussions unless we choose to share that information.
You wouldn't tell a woman who is already pregnant that maybe she shouldn't be a parent. Don't say it to me.
I highly resent being judged, particularly by a different standard than that used for other people. Yes, I realize that by having this blog, I open myself up to be judged by more people than I otherwise would. However, aside from a couple of specific circumstances, I haven't encountered judgmental statements from people about what I post. People may be thinking them, but I haven't had to deal with it because they have rarely been shared with me. Besides, I believe in the importance of shedding light on the experience of infertility even more than I hate being judged, so this is worth the price of being judged to me.
Now, I know I can be judgmental, too. The biggest reason that I had been thinking about Katie's post is that I have been reading Inconceivable, by Julia Indichova. I'll get more into this when I finish and review the book in another post, but the book definitely sparked judgmental feelings in me that I had to grapple with. The author conceived on her first try at about 40 and then dealt with secondary infertility related to age and extremely high FSH. It helped me to deal with my feelings about this that she recognized she was "going back for seconds" before so many infertiles had been served once, but I did still struggle with anger at what felt to me like naivete and selfishness/greediness on her part. It's never likely to affect Julia, because she's never heard of me and will probably see this blog, but it still struck me that I was being judgmental of her and that it wasn't fair of me.
Back to a couple of days ago, DH and I were essentially told that we really shouldn't be parents because at this point, while we don't have kids, we engage in activities that involve travel and being away on weekends, and we haven't committed to giving every bit of that up before even conceiving. Who said this is immaterial here, it's the point itself that really had my blood boiling. It is nobody's right except mine and my husband's to determine how is right for us to live our lives. Unless there is a reason to suspect abuse or neglect, it is nobody's right except mine and my husband's to determine how to raise our future children. Unless there is a reason to suspect abuse or neglect, it is nobody's right except mine and my husband's to determine whether we "should" be parents to a hypothetical child that may never even exist.
DH and I both know that if we are able to have children one way or another, our lives will change drastically. We know that what we are able to do, the amount of traveling we will be able to do, and the breadth and depth of our activities will change drastically. Doing all of the things that we do to the extent that we do them will be impossible for a time. Whether that time is two years or twenty, we have no idea and will not be able to know until we get there. Doing absolutely nothing except work and parenting would be impossible for us as well, though. I have seen that kind of parenting in action, and it's not what I want for my child, let alone for myself.
All that said, though, I don't owe you or anyone else that explanation, and neither does DH. It's none of your business what discussions we have had between us about how to schedule things and how much we will continue to do unless we choose to share information with you about it. It's not even any of your business whether we're even had those discussions unless we choose to share that information.
You wouldn't tell a woman who is already pregnant that maybe she shouldn't be a parent. Don't say it to me.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
One Major Answer Acquired!
I was feeling really bitchy and whiny about having to go into work today with no time off at all. After all, I avoided retail jobs so I wouldn't have to do that shit! In the end, though, I'm glad I went in today (although I'm also glad I went home a little earlier than planned and took a nap). Why am I glad I went in? Because when I opened my work email, I saw a message from the CareFirst lady (not the one I had been dealing with all week, the one I had gotten some answers from back in September). Now, the amazing thing is, she emailed me back on Saturday. I could have checked my email from home, but I didn't expect her to email me back after not being able to reach her for days! She does earn back some of the points she had lost for being impossible to reach by emailing me back on Christmas Eve, whether she celebrates or not.
So, which answer did she give me, out of the many I have been arguing/begging for? The Out of Pocket Max DOES apply for infertility treatments!! And unlike when she told me it should back in September, this time she attached a PDF of the 150-page plan booklet AND told me where in there to look! So now I have a listing of what the exclusions are for the OOP max, and infertility is not on there. I'll take a copy of that section over to the clinic on Wednesday. I also need to call/email my nurse tomorrow and check on the status of the letter of medical necessity for the IVF appeal. And check with CareFirst about who's in network for PDG now that I have a better idea of what companies to ask about. And get the process started with whoever is in network.
But the important thing is that now I know that I can go ahead with those, secure in the knowledge that the amount we had budgeted and put in the FSA will be enough for anything and everything non-cryo-related.
Coming attractions in this space: Book review of What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting, by Marc Sedaka. DH read this a while ago, but I just got around to reading it after DH pulled it out to explain that I wasn't at the top of the Wife Psycho Scale even in the middle of last week.
So, which answer did she give me, out of the many I have been arguing/begging for? The Out of Pocket Max DOES apply for infertility treatments!! And unlike when she told me it should back in September, this time she attached a PDF of the 150-page plan booklet AND told me where in there to look! So now I have a listing of what the exclusions are for the OOP max, and infertility is not on there. I'll take a copy of that section over to the clinic on Wednesday. I also need to call/email my nurse tomorrow and check on the status of the letter of medical necessity for the IVF appeal. And check with CareFirst about who's in network for PDG now that I have a better idea of what companies to ask about. And get the process started with whoever is in network.
But the important thing is that now I know that I can go ahead with those, secure in the knowledge that the amount we had budgeted and put in the FSA will be enough for anything and everything non-cryo-related.
Coming attractions in this space: Book review of What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting, by Marc Sedaka. DH read this a while ago, but I just got around to reading it after DH pulled it out to explain that I wasn't at the top of the Wife Psycho Scale even in the middle of last week.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
What To Expect
About a week ago, I was getting things together in the donation corner of our office for AmVets. One of the things I came across was a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting. I had gotten that from one of my friends when I started TTC since she was done having kids and didn't need it anymore. Around the same time, that same friend had given me some baby things she didn't want to move to her new apartment. Back in April, I passed the baby stuff back to the friend to give to her pg sister-in-law. I also gave her the never-opened books about natural childbirth that I had bought with so much hope almost 2 years ago. I had hidden those books away along with What to Expect because it hurt too much to have to look at them but I don't like throwing things away if they can still be useful to someone. When I gave away the other books, I threw What to Ecpect into the donation corner because the other mother-to-be was a nurse and so was not likely to need it. When I went through the donation items last week, I figured it's not worth giving it away after all now that we're trying IVF. It's currently living in the top of my office closet, though. I'm still not ready to see it on a daily basis, not until (and if) I need it. Until then, it's just another reminder.
Friday, June 03, 2011
New Resource
So, I picked up a copy of What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting when I was at the mall yesterday. I told DH I would be interested in reading it once he was done with it, and I'll let y'all know what I think. I also told the cashier at the Books-A-Million at Arundel Mills that their infertile customers would be a lot happier if the books about infertility weren't mixed in with the pregnancy books, if they were on a separate shelf like Barnes & Noble and Borders do. Yeah, the migraine had been lessening some, but it came back full force when I saw that.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Guys and Infertility
As you may have noticed, there's not a whole lot out there on infertility from the guy's perspective. As I come across any, I make sure to show them to DH in case he can get anything out of them. So far, he hasn't found any of them to be much help, but he and I will both be interested to read a book we found out about (more on that later). Even though DH didn't find them helpful for what he's experiencing, though, I wanted to share what I've found so far in case they can help anyone else's husbands.
The first article I came across was rather unexpected. I was going through an old issue of Glamour that I hadn't read yet in order to throw it in the recycling, when I found this article written by Joe Conason about the experience he and his wife had with conceiving twins through IVF. Joe wrote about trying to support his wife (and the mistakes he made in doing so), about the cost of IVF, and about the anxiety that he and his wife experienced through the failed attempts and then through her pregnancy. I thought that Joe did an effective job of weaving together his own story with commentary on the state of infertility in America.
The second resource is one that I found on Melissa Ford's masterwork, Lost and Found and Connections Abound, or LFCA for short. The LFCA is a sort of home base for the ALI (Adoption, Loss, and Infertility) blogging community. It helps to connect bloggers with each other and share news and needs for support. One of the sections of the LFCA is a listing of new ALI blogs, and on there I found Hope to be Daddy: A Guy's Infertility Voice. It's an interesting blog both because of being from the guy's point of view and because this is a guy who really wants to be a father and is struggling with his own feelings about infertility rather than just struggling to deal with his wife's feelings. Women are more likely than men to be the first one ready to start trying to conceive, the first one to become frustrated with conception does not happen, and the first one to want to seek treatment. It would not surprise me if many men were to find the author of this blog hard to relate to because of how much he wants to be a father, but from my perspective, it's refreshing to see.
The other resource I've found so far is one that DH and I both heard about from different channels. I saw a link on another infertility blog to this interview with comedian Marc Sedaka about his book What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting. I showed the article about the interview to DH, and he said that he had heard the same story on the news while he was driving. I'm planning on picking up a copy of the book for us within the next few days, and I'll want to read it once DH is done. I told him I was interested to see what Sedaka says to guys, similar to how I had snagged and read the copy he had been given of The Groom's Survival Guide. I'll make sure to share my thoughts once I get a chance to read it, never fear!
The first article I came across was rather unexpected. I was going through an old issue of Glamour that I hadn't read yet in order to throw it in the recycling, when I found this article written by Joe Conason about the experience he and his wife had with conceiving twins through IVF. Joe wrote about trying to support his wife (and the mistakes he made in doing so), about the cost of IVF, and about the anxiety that he and his wife experienced through the failed attempts and then through her pregnancy. I thought that Joe did an effective job of weaving together his own story with commentary on the state of infertility in America.
The second resource is one that I found on Melissa Ford's masterwork, Lost and Found and Connections Abound, or LFCA for short. The LFCA is a sort of home base for the ALI (Adoption, Loss, and Infertility) blogging community. It helps to connect bloggers with each other and share news and needs for support. One of the sections of the LFCA is a listing of new ALI blogs, and on there I found Hope to be Daddy: A Guy's Infertility Voice. It's an interesting blog both because of being from the guy's point of view and because this is a guy who really wants to be a father and is struggling with his own feelings about infertility rather than just struggling to deal with his wife's feelings. Women are more likely than men to be the first one ready to start trying to conceive, the first one to become frustrated with conception does not happen, and the first one to want to seek treatment. It would not surprise me if many men were to find the author of this blog hard to relate to because of how much he wants to be a father, but from my perspective, it's refreshing to see.
The other resource I've found so far is one that DH and I both heard about from different channels. I saw a link on another infertility blog to this interview with comedian Marc Sedaka about his book What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting. I showed the article about the interview to DH, and he said that he had heard the same story on the news while he was driving. I'm planning on picking up a copy of the book for us within the next few days, and I'll want to read it once DH is done. I told him I was interested to see what Sedaka says to guys, similar to how I had snagged and read the copy he had been given of The Groom's Survival Guide. I'll make sure to share my thoughts once I get a chance to read it, never fear!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I bought a book a couple of weeks ago called The Infertility Survival Handbook: Everything You Never Thought You'd Need to Know, by Elizabeth Swire Falker. Tonight was the first time I opened it. I love reading, but I tend to use it most as an escape, a form of relaxation. If I learn anything in the process, cool, but there's a reason I'm usually reading fiction and not non-fiction, and that's because it's fun.
Anyway, I was going to just read the book like I do most of them, even non-fiction, just straight through. As I was paging through the table of contents to get to the first page, though, one of the later chapters caught my eye: Telling Friends and Family. The chapter has sections on "Who to tell and what to say," "How to cope with insensitive comments," and "How to cope with social and work obligations." I turned to that chapter and read it immediately.
The question of who to tell and what to say is especially key as I start this blog. When I created this blog, I decided to use my first name and a common screen name of mine. This decision wasn't that big a deal to me because I decided that if anyone randomly came across it and realized it was me, I didn't care. Today, I created a fan page on Facebook for this blog and linked it in to the NetworkedBlogs application. That has more risks involved because of the number of people I have friended on Facebook that are acquaintances more than they are friends. As I set up the NetworkedBlogs app, I listed myself as the author of this blog and needed to verify that fact by asking friends to say that I am who I say I am. One of my friends who has a blog and had suggested the app to me called me to ask if I wanted to list myself as the author of the blog, given that people I don't know well would then be able to see that. I decided that it was fine, because I don't care if people I know are looking for information about infertility, come across this blog, and realize it's me. And I figure that anyone who doesn't care about my infertility isn't too likely to click on the link if they do see it. The biggest thing that I wanted was to make sure that it would not post to the feed of everyone I know whenever I post, so I have it set to only post to the feeds of people who liked the page for the blog.
I'm going to devote a whole separate post (or many more than one) at some point to insensitive comments. The other part of that chapter that's really key to me right now is the section on social and work obligations. I haven't had baby showers to go to since we started trying, especially since the one or two at work were on days when I was at another location, but I'm sure I'll have 2 or 3 in the upcoming months to decide whether I can handle. My most imminent obstacle is tailgating. The group that I tailgate with includes a one-year-old, a one-month-old, and a pretty close friend due in November that conceived without trying. Yesterday I skipped tailgating in the end, arriving just in time for the game, even knowing that the pregnant friend wasn't going to be there and thinking that the one-month-old wouldn't be there...I decided that even just dealing with the one-year-old would be too much for me this weekend. Good thing I did, since the one-month-old was there too. I hope I don't have to skip tailgating all season. It's something I enjoy, and having to skip something I enjoy because I'm not strong enough feels like having to punish myself for being weak. At least I have 2 weeks before I have to make that decision again.
Anyway, I was going to just read the book like I do most of them, even non-fiction, just straight through. As I was paging through the table of contents to get to the first page, though, one of the later chapters caught my eye: Telling Friends and Family. The chapter has sections on "Who to tell and what to say," "How to cope with insensitive comments," and "How to cope with social and work obligations." I turned to that chapter and read it immediately.
The question of who to tell and what to say is especially key as I start this blog. When I created this blog, I decided to use my first name and a common screen name of mine. This decision wasn't that big a deal to me because I decided that if anyone randomly came across it and realized it was me, I didn't care. Today, I created a fan page on Facebook for this blog and linked it in to the NetworkedBlogs application. That has more risks involved because of the number of people I have friended on Facebook that are acquaintances more than they are friends. As I set up the NetworkedBlogs app, I listed myself as the author of this blog and needed to verify that fact by asking friends to say that I am who I say I am. One of my friends who has a blog and had suggested the app to me called me to ask if I wanted to list myself as the author of the blog, given that people I don't know well would then be able to see that. I decided that it was fine, because I don't care if people I know are looking for information about infertility, come across this blog, and realize it's me. And I figure that anyone who doesn't care about my infertility isn't too likely to click on the link if they do see it. The biggest thing that I wanted was to make sure that it would not post to the feed of everyone I know whenever I post, so I have it set to only post to the feeds of people who liked the page for the blog.
I'm going to devote a whole separate post (or many more than one) at some point to insensitive comments. The other part of that chapter that's really key to me right now is the section on social and work obligations. I haven't had baby showers to go to since we started trying, especially since the one or two at work were on days when I was at another location, but I'm sure I'll have 2 or 3 in the upcoming months to decide whether I can handle. My most imminent obstacle is tailgating. The group that I tailgate with includes a one-year-old, a one-month-old, and a pretty close friend due in November that conceived without trying. Yesterday I skipped tailgating in the end, arriving just in time for the game, even knowing that the pregnant friend wasn't going to be there and thinking that the one-month-old wouldn't be there...I decided that even just dealing with the one-year-old would be too much for me this weekend. Good thing I did, since the one-month-old was there too. I hope I don't have to skip tailgating all season. It's something I enjoy, and having to skip something I enjoy because I'm not strong enough feels like having to punish myself for being weak. At least I have 2 weeks before I have to make that decision again.
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