I used to hear this sentence a lot back when I was frustrated because we weren't getting anywhere trying to conceive, and again when I was frustrated because we were on a break and waiting for insurance that would cover infertility testing and treatment. I've been hearing it lately in response to IVF #1 getting pushed back again and again and again. And for a while, I really wasn't sure how I felt about it.
I mean, it is true, on the face of it. I just turned 30 in November, so there's still a good 5+ years before I'd be even starting to worry about egg quality since my hormone levels have been fine. As long as I have the same general insurance plan, a cycle (that doesn't involve embryo freezing or thawing) only costs us out of pocket at most $1500, and we have three of those before benefits would run out. There's certainly time to do those three cycles and to save up the money for them before getting to that 5+ year mark. There's even time to work on saving up for adoption if IVF doesn't work before getting old enough to worry about whether agencies or birth parents would consider us.
But. But but but but but. Knowing that doesn't address the emotional impact of infertility. Especially when we weren't trying and when I was waiting for insurance coverage, I would think (and occasionally say), "Sure, I've got 'plenty of time' now, but that doesn't mean that I can afford to just wait around for a few years and then get started, because then I don't necessarily have "plenty of time' anymore." Besides, why would I want to lose those years with my potential child(ren)?
I do appreciate the concern and attempt to make me feel better that seems to be the impetus behind the comment. When I've been hearing it lately, it hasn't been a variation on, "oh, you should just relax, you'll be fine," it's been coming from people that I know care about me and want to try to lift my spirits. That's why, even when it has been hard to hear, I haven't snapped at anyone or even looked for a good sharp response. And it's why I'm not ranting in frustration here, only sharing what I was finally able to make coalesce in my mind.
It's just not really a comfort at this point to think that I could go through this for another five, ten years, possibly even more. To me it feels like telling someone that hates their dead-end job and hasn't had any luck getting a new one, "Oh, you've still got plenty of time to find a new job before you'd retire." Or telling someone who has been unlucky in love for a long time, "Oh, you still have plenty of time to find someone, you have the rest of your life." While both statements are true, they don't address the loneliness, frustration, and other emotions that are a result of the current situation that has no real end in sight.
Oh goodness, I absolutely agree. I get quite a lot of 'once you have your baby it will all be worth it' comments, I sometimes feel that there is no acknowledgement of the current pain or the very real fear that I may not get my baby, it feels like they are saying it doesn't matter how long you wait, how much you hurt, when you have a baby all this will be wiped out, like it never happened. Like what I am going through it just a hic-up, a minor inconvenience on the road to baby. Just time to fill before I am a mum. No, if flipping hurts like hell.
ReplyDeleteI think people say these kinds of stupid things because they don't know what else to day. However, that doesn't make them feel any better to hear. And, usually, the people who say them are the people who had no trouble conceiving. Also, there's still plenty of time to punch them in the face, you know, should you decide to ;)
ReplyDeleteI never thought of it this way before, but you are absolutely right. There's no comfort in someone telling you that you can go through IF for many years to come. Who *wants* to do that??
ReplyDeleteI think you totally hit the nail on the head. I really hate hearing that from doctors and nurses, but I never thought to make the comparisons that you did. You are totally right.
ReplyDeleteHi. Here from ICLW. Though I'm past the dreaded age (35) and people have generally stopped saying that (thankfully?), I know what you mean and have heard it before. It never helped then and now as I approach age 36 and am running out if options (and money), I want to say to those people, "so do ya think I've still got plenty of time now??" Even if I did I wouldn't wish one more month of this hell on anyone!!!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to learning more about your journey!
There is no way I could go through this for 5 or 10 years. I know some ladies have and I admire them. It's such an all-consuming thing. I hope the end for me is a good one, but either way it will end eventually. (sorry for the depressing comment!)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear you getting in touch with your feelings on this, & put it out there for everyone. Yep, it doesn't take into consideration the hell of waiting - for healing to come, or fertility, or anything else that causes heartbreak while you're dealing with it!
ReplyDeleteTotally "get" the sentiments of this post. I get the "plenty of time" thing all of the time (I'm 31)...it doesn't make anything better at all. Especially when the people telling me this are friends who have had children effortlessly. Glad to have found your blog!
ReplyDeleteWow. I love this post. So well written and so well articulated. I'm so sorry that you have to wait to start your IVF cycle. I hope the time in between now and then goes quickly and that you are successful on your first try!
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting my blog!
That's so very true. Even if we do have time on our side from a physical or age standpoint, time is never on our side when your battling IF. You can't explain the mental and emotional aspect of it because in that respect it can't happen soon enough.
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