Thursday, September 22, 2011

Whirlwinds

That's what this past week has felt like.  Today should have been my transfer if we ended up with a three-day.  We should have been getting a possible baby for our five-year anniversary and DH's birthday.  Instead, I get more births and baby announcements and sonogram profile pics. 

I took a survey for a study at Drexel University about online support and IF forums.  Part of what the survey covered was symptoms of depression, and it really struck me to see just how depressed I've been over the past two weeks.  I know I've been depressed, and I've taken my Zoloft up to 150 mg in response, but it still struck me how depressed I've been.  I can catch the nuances in others, but not as easily in myself as long as I'm staying away from the major red flags. 

I did end up counting the people within 5 years of my age (excluding the gay ones but including the unmarried ones) and the ones pregnant or with kids.  I wasn't going to, but when I ended up clicking on every person to put them into a list so that I could make Facebook look normal again, that was too much temptation to resist.  So, out of the 507 straight friends I have within 5 years of me, 188 have kids or a pregnancy, or about 37%.  So, my perception was right about correct.  I could see what the percentage of married/committed ones with kids or a pregnancy is, but since several of my friends are single parents, I'm not sure what that would change.  I still might do it, we'll see.  End result, though, is that it didn't change anything, all it did was confirm what I already believed, and I'm not having the stress of thinking I shouldn't do it because it's batshit crazy.

Less crying in the last day or so.  Last night, I ended up watching chick flicks for most of the evening, and that made me happy.  Trying to find those little things that do help and cobble them together into...something.

8 comments:

  1. Just read your two last posts. My world you are dealing with a lot right now.. so sorry you had to pass on this ivf, must be so frustrating.

    ICLW #55

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  2. I'm so glad you're finding creative ways of distracting yourself & making yourself feel better for awhile. That's my girl! I know I taught you that too :) I wish you to love yourself even more than I love you!

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  3. Thanks, Cattiz...I keep telling God I need the hits to STOP COMING or for Him to give me some more support, but I'm not getting any response. Not sure if He is making things easier and they would otherwise be a lot worse or if He isn't, but either way is kinda scary!

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  4. Read the last two posts...I'm so sorry you have so much crap going on in your life. It's no wonder you are stressed and depressed. I hope things get better soon.

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  5. BTW, here from ICLW (#14)

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  6. HI Jessie, I'm here from ICLW week. I'm so sorry to hear that things are so shitty right now. If there is one thing I have taken away from reading all of these wonderful blogs is that it always gets better. It really does. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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  7. Hi there. Thanks for you comment on my blog. I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now. I hope that things get better for you really soon.

    Take care!

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear your transfer was cancelled. And on an anniversary too!! Boo!!!! No way around it, this IF sucks!!!!

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