First of all, today at work was obviously better than yesterday. It was still hard, especially doing 2 sessions with clients who were grieving and checking in on a couple others, but having a quiet afternoon and staff being able to lean on each other for support both helped.
I've been meaning to write this post for a couple weeks now, leaving the post that inspired it up on my Firefox window. The Cornfed Feminist wrote a really interesting post about the effects of infertility on others in our families, specifically on our mothers. My mom has been really great and supportive, and I know how she feels about the impact of the infertility on me (and on the use of the word infertility...she wants a more positive term that reflects that fertility has not been achieved yet). Before reading this post, though, I never thought to ask my mom how she feels about not being a grandmother yet. Mom?
Oh my goodness! Huge subject I guess. You know me - I never once thought about this. I'm so focused on your need & how it affects you & that's my total concern so I've never once thought of my own feelings. As in all things where I never consider myself, I guess that's both "good" & "bad." And I'm still working on a term for fertility that hasn't happened yet! I'll answer this after I retreat & think, get in touch with myself. So it will be a few minutes. As always, when I read your blog I was checking out where you are right now, not expecting to be addressed so directly! Funny, but "Mom" jumped out at me as if you were talking with me, like on the phone or in person.
ReplyDeleteHow about "incompleted fertility"? That leaves the door wide open for completion! I know it's 2 words but I haven't been able to come up with just one & many things are 2 words that serve as one.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to see you write a blog on this, ask others struggling with infertility for feedback or other suggestions. Incompleted fertility.
ReplyDeleteI picture being a grandmother as the icing without having to eat the cake (except I truly love cake too!). All the fun with none of the responsibility. A girl would be nice because I know more what girls like - dress up vs. playing ball hopefully. I picture being like my beloved Grandma - reading to the child, holding the baby, teaching how to make things. I have things for playing dress up & toys set aside, childrens books, etc. But I'm a realist & know that with children, it can't be my agenda so I've never invested deeply in any anticipation or expectation of what we'd do together & what it would be like. I picture being a 2 week summer destination though, having care for the child (children) in my home like that while parents take a break & I can really spend some time with the child (ren). And I do look forward to it, but am not pining away. This is my time of life now, no responsibilities for anyone else for the most part, & I earned this. I gave you guys my all when you were young, knowing this time would come, my turn.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of incomplete fertility. It's like looking on the bright side of an otherwise cloudy situation. Congrats on getting the insurance coverage for your cycle!
ReplyDeleteICLW #97
There are so many terms used during this hellish journey that I hate...infertility, chemical pregnancy, etc, etc, etc
ReplyDeleteI do like the idea of incompleted fertility better than just infertility.
BTW, I read your comment on my Road Trip post. I have to ask...were you in APO? If so, it's great to meet a fellow brother. If not, it's still great to meet someone else involved in such a worthy organization.
Not sure if you checked back to your post and saw it, but here's the comment I put over there:
DeleteWhy yes, brother, I am! Pledged Epsilon Mu (U Maryland, College Park) Spring 01, been a section chair in 2 regions, and now advise Alpha Zeta Pi (U Maryland, Baltimore County). How about you?
I was actually at my section conference this past weekend.
Hi! Thanks for checking out my blog. I am a therapist too. Nice to "meet" you.
ReplyDeleteNice to "meet" you too! What kind of population do you work with?
DeleteI never actually opened up to anyone (except dh) about my infertility, my mom doesn't even know, I just didn't think I could deal with the pity from others who could never understand
ReplyDeleteThanks for the shout-out! A grandma who has a daughter with PCOS actually commented on that post, which I thought was really cool!
ReplyDeleteI wonder, too, how our infertility has affected our families, and my mom in particular. Sometimes I admit to feeling jealous that my neice and nephew have a bioligical relationship with my mom than my boys will never have. But then I watch her interact with them all, and I know that her relationship with my boys is in many ways much better than her relationship with my brother's kids (if nothing else because of proximity). Interesting, though...I think you've given me fodder for a post - thanks!
ReplyDeleteVisiting from ICLW (#6)
Happy ICLW - thanks for visiting. You are very lucky to have such a supportive mom...
ReplyDeleteHi. Visiting for ICLW.
ReplyDeleteMy mom, before she passed away, was already a grandmother and great-grandmother. I was the last hold-out. She knew about our infertility (or "incompleted fertility," as I shall now do my best to refer to it in the future), but there was no question how she felt about wanting me & Hubby to have kids. Like now. I have no idea how much some of my siblings know about our situation, as I haven't discussed it with them, but my mom probably did at some point. I know they must be wondering what the hell is taking so long. That's what I get for being in a family full of fertile myrtles.
It's great that your mom is so supportive!
When C and I were struggling (before we got our miracle), one of the hardest things to handle was C's mother's pressure. She started in the second time I met her when C and I were just dating, and she never let up. The worst and most public was when she posted a photo of her and my nephew (my brother's son) to Facebook (as her profile picture) and commented how sad it was that he wasn't her grandchild. It hurt deeply - I'm honestly not sure that I can ever get over that pain, and I worry that it's a bridge between us that can't be mended; it will certainly take a long time if it ever happens. The most confusing part was that she had struggled with infertility...
ReplyDeleteMy mom, on the other hand, was supportive without pushing - she was there if I needed to talk to her but didn't ask any questions without me opening the door first. That's part of why we told her weeks before we told C's mom when we finally got our miracle (that and his mom can't keep a secret, even if we ask her to). Even though my mom already has three grandchildren (with two more due this spring), she supported us through all of this and is as excited as though this will be her first.
Visiting for ICLW! I suppose I am very very fortunate that my mom is not the sort of person to harp on wanting grand-children. She's a nurse and understands the ins and outs of what we're dealing with. She's not always the best emotional support, but I'm very grateful for the support she can offer.
ReplyDeleteICLW #80
Our parents and family have been very supportive but that has been a long road. We have been ttc for 4.5 years and my parents were more aware of our struggles before hubby's parents were... and his family would ask, alot, on when we planned to have kids.
ReplyDeleteOne really hard time during this struggle was when my little sis got pregnant with her first. Hubby and I have been ttc since she and her hubby started dating. It nearly tore our family apart. But, we survived and are all still close. She is now pregnant with #2 but is probably one of our biggest cheerleaders.
IF certainly changes most (if not all) of our relationships.
Thanks for stopping by my blog, I'm now following along with you!