OK, so I've been listening to the Wicked and Book of Mormon soundtracks a lot since I got them. DH calls me obsessed with them, and he may be right, but they're both so good!! I was listening to Wicked on Friday, and this song caught my ear and my heart more so than usual.
I'm not that girl, and we're not that couple. I'm not that girl who can just want a family and make one with her husband. I'm not that girl who can even know why, beyond believing that God wanted her and DH to find out about the spinal muscular atrophy before having an affected baby. I'm not that girl who can trust that a scheduled cycle will actually begin, even after starting the BCPs. I'm not that girl who can trust that she'll get to use the box of meds in the dining room.
The last verse of this song begins, "Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart." That's been my mindset for a year now. But on an old episode of Private Practice that I finally got to watch tonight, Addison said that the biggest muscle that she had needed to strengthen to take the first step of her first IVF cycle was hope. I don't know how to do that.