Loss and Fear

Today I got hit really hard with two huge reminders that even if I can get pregnant with a non-SMA baby, even if I can make it through the first trimester, nothing is ever safe or secure.  I was pretty sure that one of them was coming, from posts from others in the ALI community: Mo from Mommy Odyssey lost her son Nadav after her water broke two weeks before viability and did not replenish.  As I've watched other bloggers count the days to viability while on bed rest and make it there, my heart breaks for Mo and her husband.

The second reminder is really hard to write about...since I finished the last paragraph, I've made another Egg McMuffin, chatted with friends, and watched a full episode of Gossip Girl.  My workday started like normal, went in and saw a couple of clients.  I was looking for my 11:00 client when one of the other therapists came in and told me to stay put.  She came back and told me that one of our coworkers had died this morning.  I didn't even know she was pregnant, but apparently she was 5 months along when she had an abdominal aortic aneurism.  I keep swinging between denial and tears, including during today as the clients were informed and reacting.  I asked one of the nurses at work and one I go to church with if AAAs are genetic, since my grandmother had one fixed a couple of years before she died.  Apparently some are, so I'm going to be asking my RE whether I should have a scan to make sure I don't have one.  I would ask my PCP, but I don't get to go to my real one thanks to him not being on the panel for my current insurance, so I have a name out of the provider directory that I've never seen on my card as my PCP.

Going to bed once this episode of Gossip Girl is over.  We'll see how tomorrow is at work.  Thank goodness for Costa Rica.