Seriously?! Seriously!!
I walked into my new coworker's cube today. (Oh, yeah, for those of you who I don't know IRL or haven't caught up with in a while, I've been busy during this hiatus, too...I've moved to Georgia and started a new job in mental health management.) Anyway, I walked into my new coworker's cube today, and I walked right into hearing a guy singing about having sperm in his pocket. Apparently, there really is Infertility: The Musical. Wow, I listen to a LOT of show tunes, and that's still a new one on me!
I guess there's an adaptation of Rule 34 for musicals.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Welcome back, Herr Doctor. How was space?
So, um, yeah, I've been gone a while. After looking through LFCA to catch up and seeing Keiko's APB for missing bloggers, I'm half surprised I didn't end up on there! There has been a reason for the 4 month absence, though. For those I don't know in person and for those I know in person but hadn't caught up with to tell, I'm now separated. I made the choice to leave DH, and we have been separated since the beginning of June.
Before I say anything else, I want to emphasize that DH and I are friends again. Yes, already. DH is a very good man and a very good friend, and I care about him very much. However, he is not the man that I should be married to at this point.
One thing that has been key to me, both as I made the decision to leave and since then, is the deep sense of peace that I have had that, even if I don't know when or how, I will be a mother someday. That sense of peace has stuck with me, to the point where being around babies and pregnant women doesn't actually upset me anymore.
But what does that mean now? After all, this is an infertility blog. And I'm still not a mother. But I'm not trying to conceive either. Where do I fit in the infertility community? There's a whole room in Mel's Blogroll for special situations and a category in there for "Family Building When Single"...but I'm not building a family at this point. I guess it's a good thing that I never took myself out of the "No Longer Trying/On A Break" room any of the times when I thought the IVF cycle would happen. I didn't move to the "General Infertility and Treatments" room when I first thought I would cycle because I didn't get around to it. After that cycle got canceled just before the first shots, I didn't want to jinx it any of the other times. After that I couldn't believe that a cycle would actually happen until the first shot (although that didn't seem to help much each time it got postponed). But at any rate, I don't really know where I fit in anymore.
I was considering just letting the blog die. But my friend Katie pointed out that it could help other people to see a story that doesn't end with being a mother or living as a couple child-free. So I decided to keep posting. I don't know how often I'll post or how active I'll be as a poster or a commenter, but I am going to keep this blog going. We'll see what happens on this crazy adventure called life!
Before I say anything else, I want to emphasize that DH and I are friends again. Yes, already. DH is a very good man and a very good friend, and I care about him very much. However, he is not the man that I should be married to at this point.
One thing that has been key to me, both as I made the decision to leave and since then, is the deep sense of peace that I have had that, even if I don't know when or how, I will be a mother someday. That sense of peace has stuck with me, to the point where being around babies and pregnant women doesn't actually upset me anymore.
But what does that mean now? After all, this is an infertility blog. And I'm still not a mother. But I'm not trying to conceive either. Where do I fit in the infertility community? There's a whole room in Mel's Blogroll for special situations and a category in there for "Family Building When Single"...but I'm not building a family at this point. I guess it's a good thing that I never took myself out of the "No Longer Trying/On A Break" room any of the times when I thought the IVF cycle would happen. I didn't move to the "General Infertility and Treatments" room when I first thought I would cycle because I didn't get around to it. After that cycle got canceled just before the first shots, I didn't want to jinx it any of the other times. After that I couldn't believe that a cycle would actually happen until the first shot (although that didn't seem to help much each time it got postponed). But at any rate, I don't really know where I fit in anymore.
I was considering just letting the blog die. But my friend Katie pointed out that it could help other people to see a story that doesn't end with being a mother or living as a couple child-free. So I decided to keep posting. I don't know how often I'll post or how active I'll be as a poster or a commenter, but I am going to keep this blog going. We'll see what happens on this crazy adventure called life!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I've been listening to a LOT of 90's stuff lately. My satellite radio has been stuck on the grunge/alternative station for about 2 weeks, especially since there's a lot of good stuff to crank up on there. And on Saturday I was out with my oldest friend and there was a 90's cover band, Rollerblades! So here's a couple songs I've been singing along to lately.
Mighty Mighty Bosstones "The Impression That I Get"...I've been cranking this one up a lot!
Fastball "The Way"
Mighty Mighty Bosstones "The Impression That I Get"...I've been cranking this one up a lot!
Fastball "The Way"
Thursday, May 03, 2012
Advocacy Day - Yes, Finally
All right, guys, I'm finally getting around to writing about Advocacy Day.
Like I said last week, there was a welcome reception downtown on Tuesday night. I got to meet Keiko Zoll, as well as several other great ladies, and I went out for tapas with two of them afterwards. There had been snacks at the reception, but I wanted a little more, and the three of us had a great time! Plus, I was able to pass along a book I was done with to one of them (brought it to her the next morning).
Wednesday morning, I got downtown bright and early for our training session. The keynote speaker was Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas, who had been the youngest woman elected to the Senate.
We then got instruction and guidance on what to say and how to handle questions. There were two bills that we were advocating for, the Family Act of 2011, a tax credit for 50% of costs associated with in vitro fertilization or preserving fertility for cancer patients, and to extend the Adoption Tax Credit, which is set to expire on December 31 unless it is renewed. We met with the other advocates from our home states to determine who would cover what talking points for meetings with multiple constituents and to see who wanted to drop by offices of Representatives who did not have a constituent present.
I said that I would visit Rep. Andy Harris' office, since I live right next to his district. I met with his tax policy staffer, since the healthcare policy staffer was unavailable, and I explained the impact of infertility and of the lack of coverage for infertility to key groups in the state such as military personnel, federal employees, and employees of small businesses. I figured those were three good areas to emphasize, with Harris being a Republican. Since I knew that the staffer was not expecting this and would have to talk to Rep. Harris before saying anything, I got his card and said that I would follow up with him to find out what Rep. Harris thinks of the bills and if he has any questions. I did make sure to get a picture outside of Rep. Harris' office before trotting off to lunch with a close friend.
After lunch, I had an hour before my meeting with staffers from Steny Hoyer's office, so I walked around the Capitol and did some gawking. I can't believe that I had never been, despite all the field trips to DC that every kid in Maryland has. I did take a picture of his office entrance. He does get the deluxe accommodations, being the Minority Whip.
For this meeting, I had a consultant with me, one of the ones that RESOLVE has hired to help with the lobbying for the Family Act of 2011. We met with two of Rep. Hoyer's staffers that cover healthcare policy. One of them was 6 months pregnant, which the consultant had mentioned ahead of time as an aside (since he knew her from other projects). I was glad to have the warning so I could prepare myself! We met in one of the big pretty conference rooms, although the grandeur was somewhat spoiled by having to go to the other end of the table to avoid the crumbs from a lunch meeting. The main thing that I took away from the meeting was that the main work and opportunity for the bill to pass would be after November, once Congress reconvened with its new composition. Before leaving, I got a pic with the two staffers.
After this meeting, I had about an hour and a half before my next meeting, with a staffer for Senator Mikulski. There had been too many advocates from Maryland for each of us to meet with both senators, since the meetings had a max of 10, so I chose to meet with Senator Mikulski's office and not Senator Cardin's. My cousinish (she's the sister of my cousin's husband) works in the HR department of one of the Senate office buildings, so I went to hang out with her for a little while. Dianna introduced me to her coworkers and showed me the little subway that runs between the office buildings and the Capitol.
For the meeting with Senator Mikulski's staffer, I was with three other advocates and another consultant (a different one than before). One thing that the consultant was trying to encourage was for Senator Mikulski, as the chair of a subcommittee on children and families, to hold a field hearing about infertility at Shady Grove Fertility Center. Sorry, I did not get a picture in or outside Senator Mikulski's office. There was a debrief session at the end of the day, but I didn't go because it was on the other side of the Capitol from my last meeting and mostly overlapped with it. Last picture for this post is one that was actually taken before I went to Rep. Harris' office, of me in front of the Capitol. Overall it was a great day. I enjoyed meeting people, and it felt good to be doing something real to advocate, something more than just having this blog. I don't know how much of a difference the blog makes, but if we can get the Family Act passed and the Adoption Tax Credit renewed, that actually helps people. And that's a big deal.
Like I said last week, there was a welcome reception downtown on Tuesday night. I got to meet Keiko Zoll, as well as several other great ladies, and I went out for tapas with two of them afterwards. There had been snacks at the reception, but I wanted a little more, and the three of us had a great time! Plus, I was able to pass along a book I was done with to one of them (brought it to her the next morning).
Wednesday morning, I got downtown bright and early for our training session. The keynote speaker was Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas, who had been the youngest woman elected to the Senate.
We then got instruction and guidance on what to say and how to handle questions. There were two bills that we were advocating for, the Family Act of 2011, a tax credit for 50% of costs associated with in vitro fertilization or preserving fertility for cancer patients, and to extend the Adoption Tax Credit, which is set to expire on December 31 unless it is renewed. We met with the other advocates from our home states to determine who would cover what talking points for meetings with multiple constituents and to see who wanted to drop by offices of Representatives who did not have a constituent present.
I said that I would visit Rep. Andy Harris' office, since I live right next to his district. I met with his tax policy staffer, since the healthcare policy staffer was unavailable, and I explained the impact of infertility and of the lack of coverage for infertility to key groups in the state such as military personnel, federal employees, and employees of small businesses. I figured those were three good areas to emphasize, with Harris being a Republican. Since I knew that the staffer was not expecting this and would have to talk to Rep. Harris before saying anything, I got his card and said that I would follow up with him to find out what Rep. Harris thinks of the bills and if he has any questions. I did make sure to get a picture outside of Rep. Harris' office before trotting off to lunch with a close friend.
After lunch, I had an hour before my meeting with staffers from Steny Hoyer's office, so I walked around the Capitol and did some gawking. I can't believe that I had never been, despite all the field trips to DC that every kid in Maryland has. I did take a picture of his office entrance. He does get the deluxe accommodations, being the Minority Whip.
For this meeting, I had a consultant with me, one of the ones that RESOLVE has hired to help with the lobbying for the Family Act of 2011. We met with two of Rep. Hoyer's staffers that cover healthcare policy. One of them was 6 months pregnant, which the consultant had mentioned ahead of time as an aside (since he knew her from other projects). I was glad to have the warning so I could prepare myself! We met in one of the big pretty conference rooms, although the grandeur was somewhat spoiled by having to go to the other end of the table to avoid the crumbs from a lunch meeting. The main thing that I took away from the meeting was that the main work and opportunity for the bill to pass would be after November, once Congress reconvened with its new composition. Before leaving, I got a pic with the two staffers.
After this meeting, I had about an hour and a half before my next meeting, with a staffer for Senator Mikulski. There had been too many advocates from Maryland for each of us to meet with both senators, since the meetings had a max of 10, so I chose to meet with Senator Mikulski's office and not Senator Cardin's. My cousinish (she's the sister of my cousin's husband) works in the HR department of one of the Senate office buildings, so I went to hang out with her for a little while. Dianna introduced me to her coworkers and showed me the little subway that runs between the office buildings and the Capitol.
For the meeting with Senator Mikulski's staffer, I was with three other advocates and another consultant (a different one than before). One thing that the consultant was trying to encourage was for Senator Mikulski, as the chair of a subcommittee on children and families, to hold a field hearing about infertility at Shady Grove Fertility Center. Sorry, I did not get a picture in or outside Senator Mikulski's office. There was a debrief session at the end of the day, but I didn't go because it was on the other side of the Capitol from my last meeting and mostly overlapped with it. Last picture for this post is one that was actually taken before I went to Rep. Harris' office, of me in front of the Capitol. Overall it was a great day. I enjoyed meeting people, and it felt good to be doing something real to advocate, something more than just having this blog. I don't know how much of a difference the blog makes, but if we can get the Family Act passed and the Adoption Tax Credit renewed, that actually helps people. And that's a big deal.
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Music Monday # 18 and NaBloPoMo Day 30 - Scars
I know, I know, I owe you guys a post all about how amazing Advocacy Day was, and I promise I'll get there! But it is Music Monday and the last day of NaBloPoMo covering poetry, and so I want to get a post in to cover those. I heard this song yesterday on the Christian rock station, and it linked well with the last poem that I had wanted to make sure to share.
Depression
A black cloud descends,
Blue sadness and black fatigue
Swirl
As it tightens around me;
It binds my arms,
Makes me unable
To fight its chafing effects.
My life no longer belongs
To me.
Scars appear,
Tears fall,
Yells come from my throat,
But it is the cloud that does these things,
Not me.
I try to look past the cloud,
Try to remember happiness,
But my memories are blocked
By the force that governs my life;
It censors happy words,
Thoughts, pictures,
But there is one thing it cannot stop...
A high, clear note
Penetrates the darkness.
Music follows
As a flute flirts
With my cloud,
Chasing bits away
Until happiness returns.
Depression
A black cloud descends,
Blue sadness and black fatigue
Swirl
As it tightens around me;
It binds my arms,
Makes me unable
To fight its chafing effects.
My life no longer belongs
To me.
Scars appear,
Tears fall,
Yells come from my throat,
But it is the cloud that does these things,
Not me.
I try to look past the cloud,
Try to remember happiness,
But my memories are blocked
By the force that governs my life;
It censors happy words,
Thoughts, pictures,
But there is one thing it cannot stop...
A high, clear note
Penetrates the darkness.
Music follows
As a flute flirts
With my cloud,
Chasing bits away
Until happiness returns.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Anticipation
Ooh, ooh, it's the night before something fun!! I started getting really excited about Advocacy Day tonight when I went downtown for the Welcome Reception. I got to meet a blogger I very much admire, Keiko Zoll, and I ended up talking for a while with a couple of great ladies that I then went for tapas with. I'm looking forward to the training and meeting with people tomorrow (and to lunch with a good friend and seeing my cousinish who works in the Senate building). I'll let y'all know how it goes!
Music Monday #17 - Written in the Stars
This song grabbed me from the first time I heard it. I really love the emotion that comes through in the song. It struck me in a new light, though, thinking about infertility. I think all of us have asked the question of why me, why my partner, why us. I know I sure have. Whether we believe in God, the Fates, destiny, some combination thereof, it's a question that often comes to my mind. I've basically (most of the time) gotten past the question of whether we're being punished for something with infertility, but I still wonder about the role of destiny, God's plan, whatever.
Some parts of this song make me wonder if it will fit even better if I have a miscarriage, especially the parts about being given paradise for only a day and about wishing in the darkest days never to have learned what it is to be in love and have that love returned. I thought about waiting and posting this song only if I had a miscarriage and felt like it fit then. But then I decided to post it not instead because I didn't want to tempt Fate by having it in the back of my mind. Silly, I know. But a lot of us do things to try to sway Fate in one way or another, from fertility socks to saying a specific prayer to creating a fertility ritual. And I'm trying to not accidentally jinx myself.
Some parts of this song make me wonder if it will fit even better if I have a miscarriage, especially the parts about being given paradise for only a day and about wishing in the darkest days never to have learned what it is to be in love and have that love returned. I thought about waiting and posting this song only if I had a miscarriage and felt like it fit then. But then I decided to post it not instead because I didn't want to tempt Fate by having it in the back of my mind. Silly, I know. But a lot of us do things to try to sway Fate in one way or another, from fertility socks to saying a specific prayer to creating a fertility ritual. And I'm trying to not accidentally jinx myself.
Monday, April 23, 2012
National Infertility Awareness Week - Don't Ignore the Pain
One thing that I've noticed throughout this infertility journey has been the tendency of some people to want to brush aside the effect that infertility has on me and that pain that I feel as a result of this disease. From my perspective (which the therapist in me is obligated to point out is a limited one), it seems like the people that know about the infertility and its effect on me are divided into two camps: those who want my infertility to be out of my way and those who want my infertility to be out of their way.
That doesn't mean that the people in the second camp don't care about me. I know they do. They show it in other ways and in other areas of my life. And sometimes they try to help me deal with the infertility, too. But there's a very distinct difference in how it comes across.
The difference shows in how people talk to me and how they talk about me. It shows in how they ask me how I'm doing and how they offer advice. It shows in how they tell me about their pregnancies and how they relate to me after telling me about their pregnancies. It shows in how often they check in to see how I'm doing and in how they react if I tell them I'm having a hard time. It's the difference between whether they want to support me or whether instead they want to fix me.
I've been surprised at times by who has fallen into one camp or the other. People that I generally expect to be more of the "fix it and forget it" type have said things that have really touched me or have told me they're available any time I need or want to talk. People that have been there for me in other areas have offered platitudes or repeated the same advice without listening to what I'm really saying.
I wrote this poem last winter about how it feels when the pain is ignored:
Tear tracks stiffen and dry out,
Cracks in my armor,
Cracks in my soul
Leaving oozing open wounds.
My essence drains through
The sieve of my heart
And lies on the floor like sand
To be swept into a corner,
Forgotten.
You can't fix the pain of my infertility. No one can. But please don't ignore it, either. Please, ask me how I'm feeling. Ask me what I need. Ask how you can support me.
For more information about infertility, please visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
For more information about National Infertility Awareness Week, please visit http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
For more information about etiquette in talking to your friend or family member about their infertility, please visit http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
That doesn't mean that the people in the second camp don't care about me. I know they do. They show it in other ways and in other areas of my life. And sometimes they try to help me deal with the infertility, too. But there's a very distinct difference in how it comes across.
The difference shows in how people talk to me and how they talk about me. It shows in how they ask me how I'm doing and how they offer advice. It shows in how they tell me about their pregnancies and how they relate to me after telling me about their pregnancies. It shows in how often they check in to see how I'm doing and in how they react if I tell them I'm having a hard time. It's the difference between whether they want to support me or whether instead they want to fix me.
I've been surprised at times by who has fallen into one camp or the other. People that I generally expect to be more of the "fix it and forget it" type have said things that have really touched me or have told me they're available any time I need or want to talk. People that have been there for me in other areas have offered platitudes or repeated the same advice without listening to what I'm really saying.
I wrote this poem last winter about how it feels when the pain is ignored:
Tear tracks stiffen and dry out,
Cracks in my armor,
Cracks in my soul
Leaving oozing open wounds.
My essence drains through
The sieve of my heart
And lies on the floor like sand
To be swept into a corner,
Forgotten.
You can't fix the pain of my infertility. No one can. But please don't ignore it, either. Please, ask me how I'm feeling. Ask me what I need. Ask how you can support me.
For more information about infertility, please visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
For more information about National Infertility Awareness Week, please visit http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
For more information about etiquette in talking to your friend or family member about their infertility, please visit http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Friday, April 20, 2012
NaBloPoMo Day 20 - My Other Life
I am a lioness
Mistress of all I see
The grasslands of Africa are my playgrounds
The pride my playmates.
I am bonded to the earth
By the bones of my ancestors.
Were I to be removed from the savannah,
I would lose
All connection.
Mistress of all I see
The grasslands of Africa are my playgrounds
The pride my playmates.
I am bonded to the earth
By the bones of my ancestors.
Were I to be removed from the savannah,
I would lose
All connection.
ICLW #8
Hey, everyone, I'm Jessie and welcome to my little corner of the blogoverse! DH and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, but we turned out to both be carriers of spinal muscular atrophy (SMA). Because of that, we're waiting to be able to have IVF with preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). What we're waiting on right now is the PGD lab creating the probe, which is what they compare each embryo against to see which ones would have SMA. We're hoping to be able to start a cycle in June, after a LOT of insurance nightmares.
After a bit of a hiatus for me to get over pneumonia, this is going to be a busy ICLW! NAIW starts on Sunday, and I'll be doing a blog post for Bloggers Unite at some point in the week. I'm also participating in Advocacy Day on Wednesday, and I'm sure I'll be writing about that. On Mondays (usually), I post a song that has touched me during the week. I've also been posting a poem every day this month (except when I was too sick) for NaBloPoMo. I've been posting all of my own work at this point, although none of it is new. I'm also starting to participate in Mel's MFA Sunday School, so hopefully I will start creating new work again. Maybe I'll even write more of the book I started many years ago. Come along with me on the adventure and find out!
After a bit of a hiatus for me to get over pneumonia, this is going to be a busy ICLW! NAIW starts on Sunday, and I'll be doing a blog post for Bloggers Unite at some point in the week. I'm also participating in Advocacy Day on Wednesday, and I'm sure I'll be writing about that. On Mondays (usually), I post a song that has touched me during the week. I've also been posting a poem every day this month (except when I was too sick) for NaBloPoMo. I've been posting all of my own work at this point, although none of it is new. I'm also starting to participate in Mel's MFA Sunday School, so hopefully I will start creating new work again. Maybe I'll even write more of the book I started many years ago. Come along with me on the adventure and find out!
Music (Thursday) #16 - Chasing Cars
I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately, just starting with disc 1 of season 1 and playing through the series while I do paperwork for work every night (before I got too sick and was told to stop). I haven't gotten up to the part where this song starts being used, but watching Grey's still makes me think of it. I had actually misheard part of the lyrics as, "Those three words/are said too much/and not enough." Even though I now know the third line of that is, "They're not enough," I still like to think of it the other way, because it's so true. Those three words are said too much by people who don't mean them. But they're also not said often enough by the people that do mean them, whether to the people we love as family, as friends, or romantically. We never know when the chances to say them will end.
This is my favorite version of the song. It wasn't until around when this episode was done that I actually knew Sara Ramirez had been on Broadway before her role on Grey's, but her voice certainly shows the training!
This is my favorite version of the song. It wasn't until around when this episode was done that I actually knew Sara Ramirez had been on Broadway before her role on Grey's, but her voice certainly shows the training!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Absence
I will be back, I promise! Turns out that what I thought was allergies was mild pneumonia, so I'm resting now.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
NaBloPoMo Day 14 - More Light
This one was a play on words from a prompt about what matters.
Matter?
Light
Streaming from the sun
Reflected off the moon
Into our eyes.
Light
Emanating from incandescent bulbs
Illuminating out hobbies
And our homework.
Light
Glistening from faraway stars
Forming shapes
Of dragons and bulls.
Important...yes,
But matter...no.
Matter?
Light
Streaming from the sun
Reflected off the moon
Into our eyes.
Light
Emanating from incandescent bulbs
Illuminating out hobbies
And our homework.
Light
Glistening from faraway stars
Forming shapes
Of dragons and bulls.
Important...yes,
But matter...no.
Friday, April 13, 2012
NaBloPoMo Day 13 - More "I Am"
Just a quick post today and tomorrow since I'm going to be out of town for a conference. This poem came from the same prompt as Day 1, but two years later.
I am the Echo, the sound of what you have lost;
I am the haunting melody of the panflute,
Reminding you of what you never had.
I am the rocks at the shoreline,
Worn smooth by the tumbling waves.
The ocean is my mother, the sky my father.
I am wistfulness personified.
I am the Echo, the sound of what you have lost;
I am the haunting melody of the panflute,
Reminding you of what you never had.
I am the rocks at the shoreline,
Worn smooth by the tumbling waves.
The ocean is my mother, the sky my father.
I am wistfulness personified.
NaBloPoMo Day 12 - Meet Hope
Today basically sucked. It was supposed to be the day of my pre-IVF evaluation, the last bloodwork and ultrasound before starting my shots. Instead, I got to see my lovely, glowing 8-months-along client. I've been dreading this appointment for a week. My one work friend hugged me and then suggested that I go make a Build-a-Bear during my lunch break to cheer up. So I did.
Enter Hope. Over a year ago, I had said that it hurt too much to have hope, and one of my friends said that she would hold my hope for me until I was ready for it. Along the same vein, when I can't have hope, now I can still have Hope.
I wanted something gender-neutral for the bear to wear, so I got an Orioles uniform. Given how bad the O's tend to be, we'll see if that turns out to be ironic.
Tan cuddly bear
Repository of hope
Helps me to hold on
My computer's not working and the camera is shutting down the Blogger app on my phone, so y'all will need to wait for a pic.
Enter Hope. Over a year ago, I had said that it hurt too much to have hope, and one of my friends said that she would hold my hope for me until I was ready for it. Along the same vein, when I can't have hope, now I can still have Hope.
I wanted something gender-neutral for the bear to wear, so I got an Orioles uniform. Given how bad the O's tend to be, we'll see if that turns out to be ironic.
Tan cuddly bear
Repository of hope
Helps me to hold on
My computer's not working and the camera is shutting down the Blogger app on my phone, so y'all will need to wait for a pic.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
NaBloPoMo Day 11 - Free Association
The prompt: For 3 minutes non-stop, list all the words you associate with snow (or rain or wind). Write a paragraph from the list, but do not repeat any word. You are not limited to the words on your list. Line it out as a poem.
Waking up
Snow falling
Glitter on the ground
No school
Snowmen
Forts
Fights
Sleds flying down
Big Bear Mountain
Going in
Warming up
Cocoa and chicken soup
Waking up
Snow falling
Glitter on the ground
No school
Snowmen
Forts
Fights
Sleds flying down
Big Bear Mountain
Going in
Warming up
Cocoa and chicken soup
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
NaBloPoMo Day 10 - Looking for Light in All the Wrong Places
Today's poem came from the same prompt as Day 3 about sources of light.
Light from Darkness
Out of darkness
Comes pure light,
Electricity,
Bursts of brightness
Shooting across synapses,
Containing thoughts, ideas, dreams
Like bright candles
Or explosions in chemistry
With fertilizer and saltpeter,
Or August 6, 1945
Over Hiroshima,
And the enlightenment that came
And the new ideas,
Some of which will become reality.
Most will remain, however,
Simply stars in synapses.
Light from Darkness
Out of darkness
Comes pure light,
Electricity,
Bursts of brightness
Shooting across synapses,
Containing thoughts, ideas, dreams
Like bright candles
Or explosions in chemistry
With fertilizer and saltpeter,
Or August 6, 1945
Over Hiroshima,
And the enlightenment that came
And the new ideas,
Some of which will become reality.
Most will remain, however,
Simply stars in synapses.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Music Monday # 15 and NaBloPoMo Day 9 - Signs of the Times
Fall 2001 was quite an eventful semester at the University of Maryland, and not just because of 9/11. Just before Labor Day weekend, DH had to take me to the hospital (despite NOT knowing the area, so I had to navigate) from early week practices of marching band because of an asthma attack. There was a rash of robberies on campus and in town. On about September 6, a guy died on the steps of a frat house of GHB. On September 10, a guy died on the railroad tracks. Then there was the obvious, made especially frightening there both because of the high New York/New Jersey population concerned about family members and because it turned out that two of the hijackers had stayed at a nearby motel and worked out at the gym at the mall we all went to. And then, on September 24, a tornado went across the campus and killed two students.
There was definitely good that semester as well. The most important to me was that my sister Catie was born that year, on October 23. My cousin got married on September 15. DH and I were in the first months of being together, in that stage where everything feels perfect despite, in our case, living 8 hours apart. We even had random snow flurries in September! The football team was under a new coach and was ranked for the first time in a long time. But even that had a significant downside. When part of the marching band went down to an away game at Georgia Tech and won by 3 in OT, we had bottles thrown at us and were attacked by students after the game. Two years before, when we had lost by 3 in OT, there were some guys who tried to grope the flags, and one of our staff members got hit after he told the guy he couldn't cut through the band. So I had been holding my flag ready to use it on anyone who tried to grope me and trying to make sure the freshmen girls were in the middle of the formation. But we sure didn't expect what we got! I'll never forget watching a drum major and a staff member take down a guy that was running through the band throwing punches.
Since that was the semester when I was taking a poetry class (it was on the way to that class when I saw the flurries, actually!), I wrote a sestina about how crazy the semester had been. I'm pairing it with some REM here because that song really was what that semester felt like.
Fall 2001
What have we come to,
Living in College Park?
Weeks of tornadoes, robberies and death?
Going through our days in fear of what will be next?
And football made the Top 25 polls--
Hell really has frozen over!
At least we're not in Central Park,
In the city of collapsed buildings and death,
Wondering who will get anthrax next.
Bush's approval is rising in the polls,
But where will he be when this is all over?
What will his presidency reduce to?
And now the Afghans are the ones to taste death,
But which military unit will they send next?
Many support a draft, so they say in the polls,
But how will they feel when their sons go over?
How long will this go on? Will it come down to
The little kids that now play in a park?
Will the band get attacked when next
We go help our team rise in the polls?
Or does the Georgia Tech brawl mean that our trips are over?
The worst that we thought would happen to
Is is that we would get grabbed, then come back to our Park.
At least this incident didn't end in death.
In years, our kids will come back and take polls
Of who knew and who died and who thought it was over
The day our security shattered into
A million ashes spread out on Central Park--
The ashes of buildings and fires and death.
Who knew on that day so much more would come next?
The frightening thing is, it will never be over.
There will always be people who want to
Impose their views onto others, down to where to park,
And don't care if the price is their own children's death.
The only unknown is where will be next,
What country has topped the terrorists' polls.
Whew. That's the first and only time I've done a full six-stanza sestina. There was a contest going on BlogHer for writing sestinas. Actually, it's for a different fixed-form poem every week; this week is a villanelle. But that is more work and time than I have to devote to poetry right now. Maybe later in the month, but I doubt it.
There was definitely good that semester as well. The most important to me was that my sister Catie was born that year, on October 23. My cousin got married on September 15. DH and I were in the first months of being together, in that stage where everything feels perfect despite, in our case, living 8 hours apart. We even had random snow flurries in September! The football team was under a new coach and was ranked for the first time in a long time. But even that had a significant downside. When part of the marching band went down to an away game at Georgia Tech and won by 3 in OT, we had bottles thrown at us and were attacked by students after the game. Two years before, when we had lost by 3 in OT, there were some guys who tried to grope the flags, and one of our staff members got hit after he told the guy he couldn't cut through the band. So I had been holding my flag ready to use it on anyone who tried to grope me and trying to make sure the freshmen girls were in the middle of the formation. But we sure didn't expect what we got! I'll never forget watching a drum major and a staff member take down a guy that was running through the band throwing punches.
Since that was the semester when I was taking a poetry class (it was on the way to that class when I saw the flurries, actually!), I wrote a sestina about how crazy the semester had been. I'm pairing it with some REM here because that song really was what that semester felt like.
Fall 2001
What have we come to,
Living in College Park?
Weeks of tornadoes, robberies and death?
Going through our days in fear of what will be next?
And football made the Top 25 polls--
Hell really has frozen over!
At least we're not in Central Park,
In the city of collapsed buildings and death,
Wondering who will get anthrax next.
Bush's approval is rising in the polls,
But where will he be when this is all over?
What will his presidency reduce to?
And now the Afghans are the ones to taste death,
But which military unit will they send next?
Many support a draft, so they say in the polls,
But how will they feel when their sons go over?
How long will this go on? Will it come down to
The little kids that now play in a park?
Will the band get attacked when next
We go help our team rise in the polls?
Or does the Georgia Tech brawl mean that our trips are over?
The worst that we thought would happen to
Is is that we would get grabbed, then come back to our Park.
At least this incident didn't end in death.
In years, our kids will come back and take polls
Of who knew and who died and who thought it was over
The day our security shattered into
A million ashes spread out on Central Park--
The ashes of buildings and fires and death.
Who knew on that day so much more would come next?
The frightening thing is, it will never be over.
There will always be people who want to
Impose their views onto others, down to where to park,
And don't care if the price is their own children's death.
The only unknown is where will be next,
What country has topped the terrorists' polls.
Whew. That's the first and only time I've done a full six-stanza sestina. There was a contest going on BlogHer for writing sestinas. Actually, it's for a different fixed-form poem every week; this week is a villanelle. But that is more work and time than I have to devote to poetry right now. Maybe later in the month, but I doubt it.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Fertility Prayer
My feelings about God and faith have been complicated through this infertility journey. I have never doubted that God exists and that He has a plan for me. What I have doubted and wondered about is whether God ever wants me to be a parent, whether this pain will ever end. Whether I'm following God's plan for me or insisting on what I want despite how much I've been trying to figure out and do what He wants me to.
When we first started TTC, I was praying for God to work His will with regards to us building a family and to give me patience while I waited for Him to work His will. Even while I was getting frustrated, I continued to pray that same prayer, putting special emphasis on begging for patience. After a year or so, I was talking about it with my pastor, and she told me that I should also start asking God specifically for a healthy baby. So I've been doing that, but still wondering if that's what He wants.
Especially as we've been running into all of these obstacles, I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. I've been asking God to let me know if He wants me to be doing something else, but I don't know if what He's trying to tell me is to wait for July (or beyond) or that I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm dumb, I need skywriting. I'm going with the IVF plus PGD plan because I am going to try for what I want in the absence of anything that makes it clear that I should be doing something else, but I'm still asking and looking for a message to either say I'm doing the right thing or that I'm not.
One thing I wonder, though, is what the point is of other people praying for me. I know why I pray, to ask God to meet my needs and to give me guidance about what He wants me to be doing. But what does other people praying for me accomplish? How much of God's plan is fixed? Does He change what He's going to do just because people ask Him to? Or was it His plan all along as to when situations change?
Obviously I don't expect anyone reading this to have answers to these questions, I'm just sharing them because they came back to the forefront of my mind after reading this prayer posted by Witty Infertility:
Almighty Creator, hear this fertility prayer and the wishes of my heart. You know my deep desire for a child -- a little one to love and to hold, to care for, to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in Your holy image. Guide me in all my choices so that this conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth are in line with Your will. Heavenly Father and Holy Mother, hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit. Amen!
When we first started TTC, I was praying for God to work His will with regards to us building a family and to give me patience while I waited for Him to work His will. Even while I was getting frustrated, I continued to pray that same prayer, putting special emphasis on begging for patience. After a year or so, I was talking about it with my pastor, and she told me that I should also start asking God specifically for a healthy baby. So I've been doing that, but still wondering if that's what He wants.
Especially as we've been running into all of these obstacles, I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. I've been asking God to let me know if He wants me to be doing something else, but I don't know if what He's trying to tell me is to wait for July (or beyond) or that I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm dumb, I need skywriting. I'm going with the IVF plus PGD plan because I am going to try for what I want in the absence of anything that makes it clear that I should be doing something else, but I'm still asking and looking for a message to either say I'm doing the right thing or that I'm not.
One thing I wonder, though, is what the point is of other people praying for me. I know why I pray, to ask God to meet my needs and to give me guidance about what He wants me to be doing. But what does other people praying for me accomplish? How much of God's plan is fixed? Does He change what He's going to do just because people ask Him to? Or was it His plan all along as to when situations change?
Obviously I don't expect anyone reading this to have answers to these questions, I'm just sharing them because they came back to the forefront of my mind after reading this prayer posted by Witty Infertility:
Almighty Creator, hear this fertility prayer and the wishes of my heart. You know my deep desire for a child -- a little one to love and to hold, to care for, to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in Your holy image. Guide me in all my choices so that this conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth are in line with Your will. Heavenly Father and Holy Mother, hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit. Amen!
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