I can get through until then. I can deal with the high toddler content here. I can do it. I can. I promise.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Waiting Game
I was amazed from the beginning that I only had a one-month wait for my appointment at Shady Grove. It still could have been a hard wait, but I've been lucky to have a really full month in the meantime. First Membership Academy for APO, then running a quizbowl tournament for JROTC teams, then the 4th of July weekend. Now I'm spending the last full week before the appointment at the beach with my family. On the one hand, there are toddlers everywhere, with something like 7 kids below school age, and one cousin that's here is due in August, but it makes it easier to deal with it because I have the appointment coming up. On the other hand, it could be really hard to wait with the anticipation of the last week, but it makes it easier to deal with it because I have fun things to do with my family this week.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
2011 Hope Awards
When I voted for the Hope Award for Best Blog, I found out that there are other Hope Awards besides the publicly-voted Best Blog and Best Book. I was interested to see that the Hope Award for Achievement was given to SELF magazine for their article about infertility last year, "This Woman has a Secret". This is particularly special to me because that article was the main thing that inspired me to start this blog.
Also, when I read the finalists for Best Blog, I came across a great post from Whitney & Erick. What Whitney wrote about the statements of "just relax" really resonated with me. The rest of this post is copied from her (and thus contains some medical details that I hope don't apply to me).
The truth
First and foremost, infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age. The definition of a disease is “disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure, or system of the body.” Infertility is due to some malfunction in the body, whether it be hormonal or structural. Ergo, a disease. Even for people with unexplained infertility, clearly something is wrong, but the reproductive system is complicated and sometimes it’s hard to diagnose. In my case, I do have several diagnosed problems including a uterine abnormality, luteal phase defect, Factor V Leiden, and autoimmune issues.
Without medical help, there is nothing I can do to have a baby. And, possibly not even with medical help. Nothing short of a miracle from God, that is. And, while I pray for that all the time, I can’t count on it. If you apply this “relax” thinking to the rest of your life, imagine this. Sitting around and waiting for a great job to land in your lap. Waiting to magically learn something new without studying. That doesn’t work – just like everything else, you have to work for it. And, just because some people didn’t have to work hard to have a baby, doesn’t mean I don’t have to. A little Marvin Gaye and a bottle of wine might work for some, but for me the recipe involves follitropin alfa injections, human chorionic gonadotrophins, anti-coagulants, steroids and lots of poking and prodding.
When people tell me to “just relax,” it’s insulting. Even though most people have good intentions when they say it, it hurts. It somehow insinuates that I have done something wrong. It makes it my fault. I know it’s not true, but it still hurts. It’s an accusation that somehow because of my inability to “relax,” I cannot have a baby. If only that were true, and that easy, I would have a 4-year-old by now.
Besides, I don’t feel “stressed” about my situation all the time. Usually just at key decision points. Everyone does and would. This has become part of my life, and I have learned to live with it. Usually, it’s a quiet sadness, not a throbbing stress. I talk about it all the time, but that’s because it’s cathartic to do so. To imply that I should be able to make life-altering decisions without a little stress is absurd. I’m pretty sure that lots of regular women who get pregnant all the time are stressing about their job, their kids, their relationships or something. Stress is not the problem.
Those of us struggling to conceive have been through hell. We’ve put our lives on hold. We have put our bodies through the ringer. Our relationships have suffered. We’ve had to deal with loss. We’re emotionally spent. We deal with failure on an almost permanent basis. We’re tired, frustrated and beaten down. Relax is not something we want to hear and it’s not the answer to our problems.
What people say [and my response]
Also, when I read the finalists for Best Blog, I came across a great post from Whitney & Erick. What Whitney wrote about the statements of "just relax" really resonated with me. The rest of this post is copied from her (and thus contains some medical details that I hope don't apply to me).
The truth
First and foremost, infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age. The definition of a disease is “disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure, or system of the body.” Infertility is due to some malfunction in the body, whether it be hormonal or structural. Ergo, a disease. Even for people with unexplained infertility, clearly something is wrong, but the reproductive system is complicated and sometimes it’s hard to diagnose. In my case, I do have several diagnosed problems including a uterine abnormality, luteal phase defect, Factor V Leiden, and autoimmune issues.
Without medical help, there is nothing I can do to have a baby. And, possibly not even with medical help. Nothing short of a miracle from God, that is. And, while I pray for that all the time, I can’t count on it. If you apply this “relax” thinking to the rest of your life, imagine this. Sitting around and waiting for a great job to land in your lap. Waiting to magically learn something new without studying. That doesn’t work – just like everything else, you have to work for it. And, just because some people didn’t have to work hard to have a baby, doesn’t mean I don’t have to. A little Marvin Gaye and a bottle of wine might work for some, but for me the recipe involves follitropin alfa injections, human chorionic gonadotrophins, anti-coagulants, steroids and lots of poking and prodding.
When people tell me to “just relax,” it’s insulting. Even though most people have good intentions when they say it, it hurts. It somehow insinuates that I have done something wrong. It makes it my fault. I know it’s not true, but it still hurts. It’s an accusation that somehow because of my inability to “relax,” I cannot have a baby. If only that were true, and that easy, I would have a 4-year-old by now.
Besides, I don’t feel “stressed” about my situation all the time. Usually just at key decision points. Everyone does and would. This has become part of my life, and I have learned to live with it. Usually, it’s a quiet sadness, not a throbbing stress. I talk about it all the time, but that’s because it’s cathartic to do so. To imply that I should be able to make life-altering decisions without a little stress is absurd. I’m pretty sure that lots of regular women who get pregnant all the time are stressing about their job, their kids, their relationships or something. Stress is not the problem.
Those of us struggling to conceive have been through hell. We’ve put our lives on hold. We have put our bodies through the ringer. Our relationships have suffered. We’ve had to deal with loss. We’re emotionally spent. We deal with failure on an almost permanent basis. We’re tired, frustrated and beaten down. Relax is not something we want to hear and it’s not the answer to our problems.
What people say [and my response]
- Maybe if you just stop trying/relax/forget about it/etc. “My cousin’s friend’s sister-in-law tried for a long time and then they gave up and what-do-you-know, they got pregnant. You never know…” [ Well, I pretty much gave up a while ago, but I'm still not a mommy. Also, all of those months in between the IVFs, I haven't "been trying." And, not all infertility is equal. Unless you know the nitty gritty details of your friend thrice-removed and my reproductive history, how can you compare? Your friend trying for 6 months and going on Clomid and giving up and then getting pregnant does not even remotely resemble anything to do with me or my situation. For the record, in this scenario, that would not even constitute an infertility diagnosis at all. Usually the threshold is one year of trying.]
- You need to stop thinking of all of this. [There have been times when we have taken a break from this battle. That didn't work. And, like or not, infertility has become part of me. It doesn't define me, but it's always there lurking in the background.]
- Take a vacation. [I've taken many during the five plus years we've been trying to conceive. Really gotten away from it all. Gone half way around the world. Sailed in the Mediterranean. Slept in the rainforest. Hiked a volcano. And, I didn't think about infertility at all. Nope, that didn't work. But, man, if it did, that would be awesome. Pregnant and lots of travel. Perfect!]
- You should meditate. [That might be a good thing to do, but it's not going to get me a baby.]
- Mind over matter. [Well, I have visualized a happy outcome, but it just hasn't worked. Besides if I could just conjure up anything I wanted, I would not only have a baby, I would also live in a custom house on the beach, travel the world, have great muscle tone and speak five languages.]
- You need to think positive. [It used to be easier to be more positive. Along with that positivity, I was also naive and blissfully ignorant. It's not that I'm not positive, but I'm a realist. I always hope for the best, but am prepared for the worst.]
- You need to stop being so stressed. [If you are experiencing stress and then feel pressure to not be stressed, the stress just multiplies. And, for me, there have been times that I have been stressed and times I have not. Not being stressed did not give us a healthy pregnancy. Also, when undergoing IVF, since all of the hormones are administered, stress does not play a part. See this study.]
Friday, July 01, 2011
New Project
Since I do actually have another side of me besides infertility, I've started a new blog, a collaborative effort. Basically, it's group commentary on food shows, with a heaping helping of sarcasm. Come check it out!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Insurance Antics
Don't worry, this isn't about my current insurance or anything that would interfere with my appointment on the 20th (22 more days!).
I was looking up something on the RESOLVE.org website, and I saw something about states that require infertility coverage of some sort by law. I stopped in my tracks when I saw that Maryland was on there!! I went to the page that explained further, and I saw that, since 2000, Maryland has required insurance providers that cover pregnancy-related healthcare to also cover the cost of 3 IVFs per live birth (max lifetime benefit $100K). Now, this has no direct effect on us since there is no requirement to cover the diagnostic testing that we were having trouble paying for. However, I do find it extremely interesting since DH's insurance from United had very specifically said that it did not cover ANYTHING related to infertility. Not that it didn't cover anything until IVF, but that it did not cover anything at all. Again, UMR, how I loathe thee.
I was looking up something on the RESOLVE.org website, and I saw something about states that require infertility coverage of some sort by law. I stopped in my tracks when I saw that Maryland was on there!! I went to the page that explained further, and I saw that, since 2000, Maryland has required insurance providers that cover pregnancy-related healthcare to also cover the cost of 3 IVFs per live birth (max lifetime benefit $100K). Now, this has no direct effect on us since there is no requirement to cover the diagnostic testing that we were having trouble paying for. However, I do find it extremely interesting since DH's insurance from United had very specifically said that it did not cover ANYTHING related to infertility. Not that it didn't cover anything until IVF, but that it did not cover anything at all. Again, UMR, how I loathe thee.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A Sense of Purpose
I was reading another blog post today, and it made me think about mine. Amazing how this whole blogging community thing works, isn't it? :-p Anyway, one of the blogs I follow, From IF to When, is one of only 4 nominees for the Team RESOLVE Choice Best Blog Award. This was Katie's reaction (aside from trying to not spit her dinner on the floor):
"Last year, I was shocked to be nominated. This year, I'm floored. I don't blog nearly as much as I used to. I am whiny. I have no infertility success story (yet), and I'm not going through treatments. So, uh, what the hell?"
When I looked at the description on the RESOLVE website about the Best Blog Award, they described what they were looking for as someone "whose blog posts raise awareness about what life is like when you’re faced with infertility." DH and some others have had difficulty understanding how working to raise awareness about infertility fits with posts like this where I'm complaining.
In some ways, that's probably my fault, because, as I looked back at the beginning posts of this blog, I see that I didn't say anything about the purpose of this blog other than that I refuse to be silent about my/our infertility like so many other people. That has left me in the position of having to choose between justifying myself and my posts and telling people that if they don't like it they can screw themselves, which anyone who knows me well can tell you just is not how I do things. Even worse, it has left DH in the position of trying to justify what he doesn't fully understand himself, as some people have addressed their thoughts about the blog to him instead of me.
The wording that RESOLVE uses really struck me as a good description for what I'm trying to do (even if I'm not one of the 4 best people in the country at doing it). I raise awareness about what life is like when you're faced with infertility. I don't raise awareness about what people would like life to be like when you're faced with infertility. I don't put a pretty little bow on infertility to make people feel good about being nice to infertile people/supporting legislation that addresses infertility. I share with people the real, (almost entirely) unvarnished truth about what my life is like facing infertility. Sometimes that includes things that people don't like. Sometimes that includes things that I don't like. Sometimes those two overlap. But whether you or I like them or not, whether they're pretty or not, they are "what life is like when [I am] facing infertility." For people who need their description or understanding of this blog to fit in a neat little box (and there's nothing wrong with needing that, people have different ways of understanding and processing things), here is your neat little box.
"Last year, I was shocked to be nominated. This year, I'm floored. I don't blog nearly as much as I used to. I am whiny. I have no infertility success story (yet), and I'm not going through treatments. So, uh, what the hell?"
When I looked at the description on the RESOLVE website about the Best Blog Award, they described what they were looking for as someone "whose blog posts raise awareness about what life is like when you’re faced with infertility." DH and some others have had difficulty understanding how working to raise awareness about infertility fits with posts like this where I'm complaining.
In some ways, that's probably my fault, because, as I looked back at the beginning posts of this blog, I see that I didn't say anything about the purpose of this blog other than that I refuse to be silent about my/our infertility like so many other people. That has left me in the position of having to choose between justifying myself and my posts and telling people that if they don't like it they can screw themselves, which anyone who knows me well can tell you just is not how I do things. Even worse, it has left DH in the position of trying to justify what he doesn't fully understand himself, as some people have addressed their thoughts about the blog to him instead of me.
The wording that RESOLVE uses really struck me as a good description for what I'm trying to do (even if I'm not one of the 4 best people in the country at doing it). I raise awareness about what life is like when you're faced with infertility. I don't raise awareness about what people would like life to be like when you're faced with infertility. I don't put a pretty little bow on infertility to make people feel good about being nice to infertile people/supporting legislation that addresses infertility. I share with people the real, (almost entirely) unvarnished truth about what my life is like facing infertility. Sometimes that includes things that people don't like. Sometimes that includes things that I don't like. Sometimes those two overlap. But whether you or I like them or not, whether they're pretty or not, they are "what life is like when [I am] facing infertility." For people who need their description or understanding of this blog to fit in a neat little box (and there's nothing wrong with needing that, people have different ways of understanding and processing things), here is your neat little box.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Good Day
No, I haven't gone to Europe with that subject line! (Although going back would be nice sometime.) I'm just having a good day, without anything hitting me upside the head so far (about infertility or otherwise), and I thought I'd post something contented for once. Normally, I'd avoid posting this, as I'd worry about jinxing myself (we'll see if I post later retracting this entry!), but instead of worrying about what will go wrong next and when, I'm going to take a moment for once and enjoy the calm.
For the last 2 days at work, I haven't had to hospitalize anyone or deal with any crises. After the few days before, that is a nice change! I even had time to catch up on contact notes, and I'll be spending my entire day tomorrow writing treatment plans. I know that doesn't sound like a plus, but it is...it'll be peaceful and I'll be a LOT closer to completely caught up with things.
Also, tonight I'm going to go check out the all-ages color guard near Baltimore, the Arbutus Sailorettes. I was playing things by ear today as far as whether I would go or not, given the headaches I'm still getting over, but my head hasn't been bad today, and I'm looking forward to it. It felt SO good this morning to even just take my practice flag out of the coat closet and put it in my car.
Tomorrow is another day, with its own potential crises, but I'll worry about those when they come. After all, tomorrow also has its own potential positives.
For the last 2 days at work, I haven't had to hospitalize anyone or deal with any crises. After the few days before, that is a nice change! I even had time to catch up on contact notes, and I'll be spending my entire day tomorrow writing treatment plans. I know that doesn't sound like a plus, but it is...it'll be peaceful and I'll be a LOT closer to completely caught up with things.
Also, tonight I'm going to go check out the all-ages color guard near Baltimore, the Arbutus Sailorettes. I was playing things by ear today as far as whether I would go or not, given the headaches I'm still getting over, but my head hasn't been bad today, and I'm looking forward to it. It felt SO good this morning to even just take my practice flag out of the coat closet and put it in my car.
Tomorrow is another day, with its own potential crises, but I'll worry about those when they come. After all, tomorrow also has its own potential positives.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Lapped Again
I found out today that someone I know is pregnant with their second in the time I/we have been trying for the first. That's the second person I know to lap me, and I keep looking at the first one, someone I see most days, waiting to see that she's double-lapped me. After all, I didn't know that one was pregnant with the second for the longest time because it was so soon after her first that I thought she was just taking a while to get her shape back after the first one.
Five weeks to the day until my appointment...
Five weeks to the day until my appointment...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
APPOINTMENT SCHEDULED!!!
Gee, can you tell I'm a little excited today?! I've been waiting for so long for this, though, and now things are finally progressing! I have an appointment for July 20 at 7:15 AM. I would rather have taken the 8:30 appointment, or better yet 9, but things have been so crazy for DH with work that I took the super-early appointment for his sake.
We'll see what I think of Shady Grove and which side I end up on once I'm really working with them, but so far I'm pleased with the service. Rather than calling them (which I was going to do in short order if I didn't hear from them), I filled out their New Patient thing on their website. The page said they would call within 24 hours unless it was a weekend or holiday. I had a few moments between clients, and I submitted it at about 3:25 PM. They called me back at about 4! I was with a client then, so I called back when that client left, and we got me/us scheduled. Their first available was July 14, but I'm going to be out of town with my family then. They had more during the day on July 19 and then morning appointments on July 20. So here we go! I know it might take a lot of tests and a long while to get anywhere even once I'm seeing a clinic, but at least we're getting to start that lot of tests and long while rather than just treading water with no idea when that part will end.
On another note, when we first started TTC, I had taken a preparing to conceive class at the hospital, and what the doctors and nurses there had said about caffeine was to try to limit it to 240 mg per day if you could be or are pregnant. So since then, that's what I've been trying to go with anytime I could be pregnant. Today, though, I saw on RESOLVE.org that more than 100 mg per day could interfere with egg development. So I'm going to work on cutting down on the Diet Coke. Thank heavens I'm not a coffee drinker, since that's got a lot more caffeine, but to keep under 100 mg/day, I can only have 2 cans of Diet Coke. Woo, buddy, that's gonna be hard!
We'll see what I think of Shady Grove and which side I end up on once I'm really working with them, but so far I'm pleased with the service. Rather than calling them (which I was going to do in short order if I didn't hear from them), I filled out their New Patient thing on their website. The page said they would call within 24 hours unless it was a weekend or holiday. I had a few moments between clients, and I submitted it at about 3:25 PM. They called me back at about 4! I was with a client then, so I called back when that client left, and we got me/us scheduled. Their first available was July 14, but I'm going to be out of town with my family then. They had more during the day on July 19 and then morning appointments on July 20. So here we go! I know it might take a lot of tests and a long while to get anywhere even once I'm seeing a clinic, but at least we're getting to start that lot of tests and long while rather than just treading water with no idea when that part will end.
On another note, when we first started TTC, I had taken a preparing to conceive class at the hospital, and what the doctors and nurses there had said about caffeine was to try to limit it to 240 mg per day if you could be or are pregnant. So since then, that's what I've been trying to go with anytime I could be pregnant. Today, though, I saw on RESOLVE.org that more than 100 mg per day could interfere with egg development. So I'm going to work on cutting down on the Diet Coke. Thank heavens I'm not a coffee drinker, since that's got a lot more caffeine, but to keep under 100 mg/day, I can only have 2 cans of Diet Coke. Woo, buddy, that's gonna be hard!
INSURANCE!!!!!
I didn't get out the door this morning in time to drop the enrollment form off at the main office on my way in, but I had a client no show right before lunch, so I drove the 20 minutes each way to give it to the person today rather than tomorrow. Just got this email, and it brought happy tears to my eyes:
Jessica,
I've enrolled you in the health insurance plan along with vision and dental. I placed a copy of the coverage information in your mailbox.
You will receive in the mail your medical card and a debit card that allows you to charge the medical deductible costs up to $1250.00. (note from Jessie: it costs the company less to give us a high-deductible HMO and then give us an HSA pre-loaded with the deductible than to pay for a traditional plan)
Any questions please let me know.
Thanks,
Person Filling In for HR Person on Maternity Leave
Jessica,
I've enrolled you in the health insurance plan along with vision and dental. I placed a copy of the coverage information in your mailbox.
You will receive in the mail your medical card and a debit card that allows you to charge the medical deductible costs up to $1250.00. (note from Jessie: it costs the company less to give us a high-deductible HMO and then give us an HSA pre-loaded with the deductible than to pay for a traditional plan)
Any questions please let me know.
Thanks,
Person Filling In for HR Person on Maternity Leave
One Step Forward, Hoping For No Steps Back
After I called United again today, my certificate of creditable coverage ended up coming in today's mail. So now I am filling out the enrollment form I still had from October, hoping to drop it off at work tomorrow morning on my way to my other office.
So where does that leave me? As soon as I can get a group number and ID number, I'm calling a fertility clinic. I know that a couple of you guys said to call right away, but I'm too gun-shy after my experiences in the past year. This is still United I'll be dealing with, and I don't trust them not to find any reason they can to avoid paying for things.
One person commented on my last post asking about whether I had chosen an RE to go to. I just looked at where the new insurance covers, and I think I'll try Shady Grove first. Their Annapolis office is the only clinic closer than Greenbelt or Columbia that is in-network. I've heard some feedback that they treat people like numbers, and some feedback that they are great. Still, it makes sense to me to at least try the local one first to at least attempt to minimize the disruption of going for appointments and procedures. So here we go...
So where does that leave me? As soon as I can get a group number and ID number, I'm calling a fertility clinic. I know that a couple of you guys said to call right away, but I'm too gun-shy after my experiences in the past year. This is still United I'll be dealing with, and I don't trust them not to find any reason they can to avoid paying for things.
One person commented on my last post asking about whether I had chosen an RE to go to. I just looked at where the new insurance covers, and I think I'll try Shady Grove first. Their Annapolis office is the only clinic closer than Greenbelt or Columbia that is in-network. I've heard some feedback that they treat people like numbers, and some feedback that they are great. Still, it makes sense to me to at least try the local one first to at least attempt to minimize the disruption of going for appointments and procedures. So here we go...
Monday, June 13, 2011
Oh, UMR, How I Loath Thee
DH got his card for his new insurance today. I still haven't been able to get the certificate of creditable coverage. And I had to go to my PCP on Thursday and get $50 of scripts on Friday. I wonder how long it takes to get in to see any of the local REs.
Friday, June 03, 2011
New Resource
So, I picked up a copy of What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting when I was at the mall yesterday. I told DH I would be interested in reading it once he was done with it, and I'll let y'all know what I think. I also told the cashier at the Books-A-Million at Arundel Mills that their infertile customers would be a lot happier if the books about infertility weren't mixed in with the pregnancy books, if they were on a separate shelf like Barnes & Noble and Borders do. Yeah, the migraine had been lessening some, but it came back full force when I saw that.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Hell of a Day
To top my day off, I just realized that this post from 12 hours ago posted to the wrong place. So here it is:
I'm so mad at DH's work and insurance that I don't know whether to punch something or cry. Today's the day DH switches to the new company after 6 months of waiting, so it's the day when we both get dropped off of his crappy insurance and I can move to what my company has.
His company's HR (yes, the same people from whom we could not get a listing of what insurance covered for MONTHS) said that the insurance company would mail us the certificate of creditable coverage. I called the insurance company to see if they could fax it instead to decrease the amount of time when I have no insurance before the new coverage takes effect and gets backdated. For comparison, when I left BBH and therefore left Aetna, I could print the certificate off of their website rather than waiting for them to fax it to me.
First of all, UMR told me that they could not fax or let me print my certificate, I would have to wait 7-10 business days for them to send the letter. Once the letter is sent, I have to wait for regular US Mail since they of course can't overnight it to me even if I offered to pay for the shipping. The crowning glory, however, was finding out that DH's HR department for the old company hasn't bothered to tell UMR that he and others are no longer on their insurance. I told him that I'd be lucky if I had insurance by July and that it would be August or September at best before I'd get to see an RE! And he has no ability to complain about how HR treats him and me because his exit interview was not anonymous and so he's afraid of repercussions.
And of course life had to be more fun, so I'm on day 2 of a massive migraine. I was able to function last night and even have fun, but only with a large dose of naproxen.
His company's HR (yes, the same people from whom we could not get a listing of what insurance covered for MONTHS) said that the insurance company would mail us the certificate of creditable coverage. I called the insurance company to see if they could fax it instead to decrease the amount of time when I have no insurance before the new coverage takes effect and gets backdated. For comparison, when I left BBH and therefore left Aetna, I could print the certificate off of their website rather than waiting for them to fax it to me.
First of all, UMR told me that they could not fax or let me print my certificate, I would have to wait 7-10 business days for them to send the letter. Once the letter is sent, I have to wait for regular US Mail since they of course can't overnight it to me even if I offered to pay for the shipping. The crowning glory, however, was finding out that DH's HR department for the old company hasn't bothered to tell UMR that he and others are no longer on their insurance. I told him that I'd be lucky if I had insurance by July and that it would be August or September at best before I'd get to see an RE! And he has no ability to complain about how HR treats him and me because his exit interview was not anonymous and so he's afraid of repercussions.
And of course life had to be more fun, so I'm on day 2 of a massive migraine. I was able to function last night and even have fun, but only with a large dose of naproxen.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Oh, This is Gonna Suck
There's an infant cattycorner across the aisle on the plane. I already have tears in my eyes.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
A Bit of Relief
It did at least get easier to deal with the Baby Brigade when I found out that one of them was adopted and talked with his mom about her IF journey.
Baby Brigade
I am enjoying the quizbowl tournament that I am at, seeing old friends and making new ones. Unfortunately, I didn't know when I volunteered to help with the info desk that it was the home of the Quizbowl Baby Brigade. I keep getting asked if one of them is mine. At least one friend is now there who will be a daddy after 8 years of him and his wife dealing with IF, so he gets it better than most.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Guys and Infertility
As you may have noticed, there's not a whole lot out there on infertility from the guy's perspective. As I come across any, I make sure to show them to DH in case he can get anything out of them. So far, he hasn't found any of them to be much help, but he and I will both be interested to read a book we found out about (more on that later). Even though DH didn't find them helpful for what he's experiencing, though, I wanted to share what I've found so far in case they can help anyone else's husbands.
The first article I came across was rather unexpected. I was going through an old issue of Glamour that I hadn't read yet in order to throw it in the recycling, when I found this article written by Joe Conason about the experience he and his wife had with conceiving twins through IVF. Joe wrote about trying to support his wife (and the mistakes he made in doing so), about the cost of IVF, and about the anxiety that he and his wife experienced through the failed attempts and then through her pregnancy. I thought that Joe did an effective job of weaving together his own story with commentary on the state of infertility in America.
The second resource is one that I found on Melissa Ford's masterwork, Lost and Found and Connections Abound, or LFCA for short. The LFCA is a sort of home base for the ALI (Adoption, Loss, and Infertility) blogging community. It helps to connect bloggers with each other and share news and needs for support. One of the sections of the LFCA is a listing of new ALI blogs, and on there I found Hope to be Daddy: A Guy's Infertility Voice. It's an interesting blog both because of being from the guy's point of view and because this is a guy who really wants to be a father and is struggling with his own feelings about infertility rather than just struggling to deal with his wife's feelings. Women are more likely than men to be the first one ready to start trying to conceive, the first one to become frustrated with conception does not happen, and the first one to want to seek treatment. It would not surprise me if many men were to find the author of this blog hard to relate to because of how much he wants to be a father, but from my perspective, it's refreshing to see.
The other resource I've found so far is one that DH and I both heard about from different channels. I saw a link on another infertility blog to this interview with comedian Marc Sedaka about his book What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting. I showed the article about the interview to DH, and he said that he had heard the same story on the news while he was driving. I'm planning on picking up a copy of the book for us within the next few days, and I'll want to read it once DH is done. I told him I was interested to see what Sedaka says to guys, similar to how I had snagged and read the copy he had been given of The Groom's Survival Guide. I'll make sure to share my thoughts once I get a chance to read it, never fear!
The first article I came across was rather unexpected. I was going through an old issue of Glamour that I hadn't read yet in order to throw it in the recycling, when I found this article written by Joe Conason about the experience he and his wife had with conceiving twins through IVF. Joe wrote about trying to support his wife (and the mistakes he made in doing so), about the cost of IVF, and about the anxiety that he and his wife experienced through the failed attempts and then through her pregnancy. I thought that Joe did an effective job of weaving together his own story with commentary on the state of infertility in America.
The second resource is one that I found on Melissa Ford's masterwork, Lost and Found and Connections Abound, or LFCA for short. The LFCA is a sort of home base for the ALI (Adoption, Loss, and Infertility) blogging community. It helps to connect bloggers with each other and share news and needs for support. One of the sections of the LFCA is a listing of new ALI blogs, and on there I found Hope to be Daddy: A Guy's Infertility Voice. It's an interesting blog both because of being from the guy's point of view and because this is a guy who really wants to be a father and is struggling with his own feelings about infertility rather than just struggling to deal with his wife's feelings. Women are more likely than men to be the first one ready to start trying to conceive, the first one to become frustrated with conception does not happen, and the first one to want to seek treatment. It would not surprise me if many men were to find the author of this blog hard to relate to because of how much he wants to be a father, but from my perspective, it's refreshing to see.
The other resource I've found so far is one that DH and I both heard about from different channels. I saw a link on another infertility blog to this interview with comedian Marc Sedaka about his book What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting. I showed the article about the interview to DH, and he said that he had heard the same story on the news while he was driving. I'm planning on picking up a copy of the book for us within the next few days, and I'll want to read it once DH is done. I told him I was interested to see what Sedaka says to guys, similar to how I had snagged and read the copy he had been given of The Groom's Survival Guide. I'll make sure to share my thoughts once I get a chance to read it, never fear!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Gradumacation
I watched my cousin graduate from UMBC today. I was so filled with pride that I could burst, after knowing how hard she worked to get to this day. I'm extremely proud of my cousin and my Brother.
She wasn't the only one to graduate today, though. I graduated from therapy too. My therapist had said during my last session that, before I had had my budding confidence crushed at the beginning of April, she had been thinking that I might be about done with therapy. Y'all have seen my progression since then. The biggest change has been that I've been able to accept that, despite the people telling me otherwise, I'm actually doing what I'm supposed to and dealing with this like I'm supposed to here. Tonight, my therapist told me that she thinks I don't need her anymore. I can, of course, make an appointment if I do need her, but she thinks that I am reacting in a healthy manner to a situation this traumatic. Therapy can't make this any less traumatic, and therapy has done what it can to help me know what is normal and what is legitimate and to help me access the resources that I have available to me.
She wasn't the only one to graduate today, though. I graduated from therapy too. My therapist had said during my last session that, before I had had my budding confidence crushed at the beginning of April, she had been thinking that I might be about done with therapy. Y'all have seen my progression since then. The biggest change has been that I've been able to accept that, despite the people telling me otherwise, I'm actually doing what I'm supposed to and dealing with this like I'm supposed to here. Tonight, my therapist told me that she thinks I don't need her anymore. I can, of course, make an appointment if I do need her, but she thinks that I am reacting in a healthy manner to a situation this traumatic. Therapy can't make this any less traumatic, and therapy has done what it can to help me know what is normal and what is legitimate and to help me access the resources that I have available to me.
Monday, May 23, 2011
An Open Letter To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Obsessing About This Whole Baby Thing
(which I do not expect to be any of the regular readers of this blog! However, this blog is the place where I feel safe posting this)
Yes, you're right. I do think about pregnancy a LOT of the time. I do think about the fact that I may never be a mother a LOT of the time. And it does seem like anything can remind me of this and upset me. I do cry a lot. I do get upset often. And I do these things despite being in therapy and on meds to help me deal with it. Yes, I am well aware that having a lower stress level would be good for me, DH, and my family and friends. However, I have some questions for you in return.
Would you tell someone waiting to hear whether they have cancer that they should stop thinking about their possible diagnosis and courses of treatment? Would you tell someone who is HIV+ that they are obsessing about their T-cells? Would you tell someone with fibromyalgia that they can't go through life noticing most of the people around them being able to function without pain?
I would not dare to make these comparisons on my own. After all, my tendency is to believe that I'm the only one who is too weak to handle what normal people handle every day. Research has shown, however, that the stress levels experienced by women facing infertility are consistent with those experienced by people with cancer, HIV, and chronic pain. Heck, of the two commenters on this blog post who have experienced both cancer and infertility, one found the infertility to cause feelings very similar to when she had cancer, and the other found the infertility to cause WORSE stress than the cancer! I know that is hardly a representative sample, but the anecdotal evidence here does support the research that has already been done.
I'm not trying to say that I (or any other infertile) has it worse than someone dealing with a life-threatening disease. What I am saying is that infertility causes a significant level of physical and emotional trauma and that this deserves to be recognized.
Yes, you're right. I do think about pregnancy a LOT of the time. I do think about the fact that I may never be a mother a LOT of the time. And it does seem like anything can remind me of this and upset me. I do cry a lot. I do get upset often. And I do these things despite being in therapy and on meds to help me deal with it. Yes, I am well aware that having a lower stress level would be good for me, DH, and my family and friends. However, I have some questions for you in return.
Would you tell someone waiting to hear whether they have cancer that they should stop thinking about their possible diagnosis and courses of treatment? Would you tell someone who is HIV+ that they are obsessing about their T-cells? Would you tell someone with fibromyalgia that they can't go through life noticing most of the people around them being able to function without pain?
I would not dare to make these comparisons on my own. After all, my tendency is to believe that I'm the only one who is too weak to handle what normal people handle every day. Research has shown, however, that the stress levels experienced by women facing infertility are consistent with those experienced by people with cancer, HIV, and chronic pain. Heck, of the two commenters on this blog post who have experienced both cancer and infertility, one found the infertility to cause feelings very similar to when she had cancer, and the other found the infertility to cause WORSE stress than the cancer! I know that is hardly a representative sample, but the anecdotal evidence here does support the research that has already been done.
I'm not trying to say that I (or any other infertile) has it worse than someone dealing with a life-threatening disease. What I am saying is that infertility causes a significant level of physical and emotional trauma and that this deserves to be recognized.
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