OK, now that I'm ready to talk about Friday's appointment, I have questions for those who have done PGD. When I was reading online, I only saw information about PGD done on day 3, with a day 5 transfer. My RE was talking about that option, but also about doing a biopsy on day 5 and freezing the embryos for later FET. Did y'all have that option? Did y'all do day 3 biopsies or day 5? Did you get more/better embryos to transfer by doing day 5 biopsy? At this point, we might have to insist on day 3 biopsy and day 5 transfer because our insurance doesn't cover freezing, and we can't afford the cost of freezing, storage, and thawing. Everything else is covered by insurance, but not that.
I did find out from the insurance company today that there is no waiting for approval for IVF since we're using an in-network clinic. Now I just need to hear from the case managers at the insurance company about where is in network for PGD and fertility pharmacies, as well as whether a day 5 biopsy and later FET would count as 1 cycle or 2, since apparently insurance companies differ in how they count that. Since we get three cycles per live birth covered, that is a key question!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Advent Message for Infertiles
The sermon that we had today at church really struck me as important for the infertile community as well as anyone else who is having a tough time with the holidays. I've seen many people, both infertile and not, saying that the holidays are a hard time this year, partially because of everyone else seeming happy and excited. The pastor spoke of how many people put on a happy mask while experiencing, in the words of Angela Lansbury, "rivers of pain inside."
Pastor Kathy pointed out that, while we tend to romanticize the manger and stable, the first Christmas came out of hardship and struggle. While those of us that have never been able to be pregnant can't really imagine it, Mary's journey by donkey when she was about to pop had to have hurt. Chances are they didn't get to stay in inns on the way; a blanket roll on the ground was a very real possibility. Mary didn't have a midwife to help her through the labor, and I'll bet the hay they got to sleep on poked all of them through the coverings they had. None of it was how Joseph, or even Mary, had imagined it would be, just like none of creating a family is how we thought it would be. But still, Joseph and Mary made time and space in their hearts for awe and wonder, just as we can in the midst of our own struggles.
This doesn't make Christmas feel more real for me, especially since I'm not sure why I feel separated and there's no definite link to other people being happy when I'm not. Still, I thought it was an important message and one worth sharing.
Pastor Kathy pointed out that, while we tend to romanticize the manger and stable, the first Christmas came out of hardship and struggle. While those of us that have never been able to be pregnant can't really imagine it, Mary's journey by donkey when she was about to pop had to have hurt. Chances are they didn't get to stay in inns on the way; a blanket roll on the ground was a very real possibility. Mary didn't have a midwife to help her through the labor, and I'll bet the hay they got to sleep on poked all of them through the coverings they had. None of it was how Joseph, or even Mary, had imagined it would be, just like none of creating a family is how we thought it would be. But still, Joseph and Mary made time and space in their hearts for awe and wonder, just as we can in the midst of our own struggles.
This doesn't make Christmas feel more real for me, especially since I'm not sure why I feel separated and there's no definite link to other people being happy when I'm not. Still, I thought it was an important message and one worth sharing.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Ugh
I guess I should eat something today. Scratch that. I know I should eat something today. But before the appointment it was way too early for my stomach to want food. I was going to get an Egg McMuffin after the appointment, but then my stomach was in knots. Then I went to bed again and woke up and still haven't eaten. I guess I'm hungry. But damnit, it's so much easier to sit here playing Minesweeper with a cat purring on my lap.
Orange Crushed
Wow, I feel like a fucking idiot. I didn't give the RE's office my new insurance card ahead of time, so I got into the finance office all excited about starting a cycle on about January 1 with almost perfect timing (if nothing was screwy with the genetic testing people) and found out that insurance companies take 4-6 weeks to approve IVF.
I think it was 20-30 minutes before I stopped crying. Mostly.
DH was really supportive, telling me I haven't ruined everything and that I didn't know, it's not like I did it on purpose. I feel so stupid, though. I should have known. I should have given them the new card when my insurance changed. Or gone over there with a copy of the new card when I made the appointment (even though that was still less than 6 weeks from when we wanted to start a cycle, I think it was more than 4).
I called in crazy to work, at least for the morning. I'm already 3 hours ahead on the pay period anyway, the two clients I had for the morning are ones I can easily reschedule, and I'm just not in a state at the moment to be emotionally present for clients. I know I will be ok, but I'm not ok right now. I told my boss I'll decide about the afternoon once I see to what extent a couple hours of kitty therapy (and a nap) help.
I think it was 20-30 minutes before I stopped crying. Mostly.
DH was really supportive, telling me I haven't ruined everything and that I didn't know, it's not like I did it on purpose. I feel so stupid, though. I should have known. I should have given them the new card when my insurance changed. Or gone over there with a copy of the new card when I made the appointment (even though that was still less than 6 weeks from when we wanted to start a cycle, I think it was more than 4).
I called in crazy to work, at least for the morning. I'm already 3 hours ahead on the pay period anyway, the two clients I had for the morning are ones I can easily reschedule, and I'm just not in a state at the moment to be emotionally present for clients. I know I will be ok, but I'm not ok right now. I told my boss I'll decide about the afternoon once I see to what extent a couple hours of kitty therapy (and a nap) help.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Advent is a Time of Waiting
This Christmas season has been a little weird. Christmas is always my favorite time of year, but even though I've been enjoying my tree and lights and Christmas music, it still hasn't felt quite like Christmas. I'm not really sure why. One thing I'm glad of, though, is that I'm together enough this year that Advent sermons about preparing aren't making me fall apart thinking of how I was preparing for nothing to happen. That's probably some combination of the therapy this spring and the fact that we're actually getting somewhere this winter, even if we don't have anything to show for it yet. I don't really care to analyze it too deeply, though; I'd rather just sit back and appreciate it. I guess part of the weird feeling is that I feel like I'm doing a lot of that, sitting back and watching, rather than really being in the middle of things. I'm not sure why I'm doing it, and there may be many things contributing, but I am.
OK, now that I'm done psychoanalyzing myself (for the moment, at least!), there are a couple of cool things I wanted to share on this, the eve of my next RE appointment. One of them needs some background info unless you already know me pretty well IRL. For those who have never met my dad, it pretty much says it all to say that he was a Marine Corps Drill Instructor at Parris Island before I was born and is currently a Command Sergeant Major with the National Guard, in his third deployment. Although he and my stepmom needed ART to have my sister, he doesn't approve of me doing this blog because private information should stay private. Because of this, it meant a LOT to open up Facebook on Monday to see a file he had sent me that was his receipt for donating to RESOLVE.
The other thing I wanted to share was a really powerful quote that ScubaGirl had posted:
The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" ~Laura Bush
For those who stuck with me through the rambling, congratulations! I'll post another update after the RE appointment tomorrow morning.
OK, now that I'm done psychoanalyzing myself (for the moment, at least!), there are a couple of cool things I wanted to share on this, the eve of my next RE appointment. One of them needs some background info unless you already know me pretty well IRL. For those who have never met my dad, it pretty much says it all to say that he was a Marine Corps Drill Instructor at Parris Island before I was born and is currently a Command Sergeant Major with the National Guard, in his third deployment. Although he and my stepmom needed ART to have my sister, he doesn't approve of me doing this blog because private information should stay private. Because of this, it meant a LOT to open up Facebook on Monday to see a file he had sent me that was his receipt for donating to RESOLVE.
The other thing I wanted to share was a really powerful quote that ScubaGirl had posted:
The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" ~Laura Bush
For those who stuck with me through the rambling, congratulations! I'll post another update after the RE appointment tomorrow morning.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Finally Getting Answers!!
I got a call from the RE himself on Wednesday with the results of DH's genetic testing. DH is a carrier for exactly one thing. To quote Love Actually, you may have guessed it, but you may not believe it, it's SMA!
So now we get to learn a lot about pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. The article I just linked to provided some really good information. We still have a bunch of questions for the RE when we meet with him next Friday, though. One question that I have for anyone who has needed PGD is how significantly it impacted the number of embryos they still had to transfer/freeze, whether they still had enough.
The biggest impact that the news has on me is that I finally have some sort of answer to the cosmic question of WHY. Why we had to deal with infertility. Why we couldn't have our first cycle when we were supposed to. Why we weren't able to do what so many other people can do so easily. The question of why is still on the list of questions I have for God when I get a chance to ask him, but it's moved a lot farther down the list.
So now we get to learn a lot about pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. The article I just linked to provided some really good information. We still have a bunch of questions for the RE when we meet with him next Friday, though. One question that I have for anyone who has needed PGD is how significantly it impacted the number of embryos they still had to transfer/freeze, whether they still had enough.
The biggest impact that the news has on me is that I finally have some sort of answer to the cosmic question of WHY. Why we had to deal with infertility. Why we couldn't have our first cycle when we were supposed to. Why we weren't able to do what so many other people can do so easily. The question of why is still on the list of questions I have for God when I get a chance to ask him, but it's moved a lot farther down the list.
Friday, December 09, 2011
The Death of Fantasy
There was something else I was going to write about tonight, but plans changed, so instead you'll get that post tomorrow. The plan changed when I read this post by Keiko Zoll of Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed. Here's the part of the post that jumped out at me the most:
"I’ve always fantasized about how we would tell our parents we were pregnant. In this perfect fantastical world, we’d time everything perfectly so we could do the big reveal over the winter holidays. I always wanted to have both sets of parents open gifts that said “World’s Best Grandparent” and make the big reveal that way.
It’s not terribly original, but it’s my fantasy....
But… [the fantasies have] changed. A lot. There’s no surprise element when I blog publicly about my personal journey. As of right now, I plan to blog about every step of the way. That might change. But for now, that’s the plan.
And Larry and I maintain the kind of relationship with both sets of families that they’ll be in the loop every step of the way as well. When we go for a beta, they’ll know only shortly after we do, because they’ll have been following along because we’ll have shared it all with them anyway."
I very definitely understand the difficulty with the loss of fantasy. I fantasized about telling parents at Thanksgiving, and then at Christmas. And then at the next Thanksgiving and the next Christmas. Like Keiko, I'm open about my blog and our process, so parts of our families will thus know right away. So I gave up on the idea of any sort of big special reveal. But I still haven't thrown away the Grandparents' Day cards that I bought for all 4 sets of parents as an announcement.
"I’ve always fantasized about how we would tell our parents we were pregnant. In this perfect fantastical world, we’d time everything perfectly so we could do the big reveal over the winter holidays. I always wanted to have both sets of parents open gifts that said “World’s Best Grandparent” and make the big reveal that way.
It’s not terribly original, but it’s my fantasy....
But… [the fantasies have] changed. A lot. There’s no surprise element when I blog publicly about my personal journey. As of right now, I plan to blog about every step of the way. That might change. But for now, that’s the plan.
And Larry and I maintain the kind of relationship with both sets of families that they’ll be in the loop every step of the way as well. When we go for a beta, they’ll know only shortly after we do, because they’ll have been following along because we’ll have shared it all with them anyway."
I very definitely understand the difficulty with the loss of fantasy. I fantasized about telling parents at Thanksgiving, and then at Christmas. And then at the next Thanksgiving and the next Christmas. Like Keiko, I'm open about my blog and our process, so parts of our families will thus know right away. So I gave up on the idea of any sort of big special reveal. But I still haven't thrown away the Grandparents' Day cards that I bought for all 4 sets of parents as an announcement.
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Waiting for Life to Begin
As I was getting ready to post an update about what's been going on recently, this song from Once on this Island popped into my head. Technically the song is called "Waiting for Life," but every time the phrase appears in the lyrics it's with the whole phrase that I used as the post title. Now, I don't know if anyone except possibly Katie is enough of a theater geek to know the show and the song, but I highly recommend checking the whole soundtrack out.
Especially with how close we were to our first IVF cycle before, and now looking forward to hopefully being able to try again for IVF #1, there's one line that especially jumps out at me: "You get me to rise like a fish to the bait, then tell me to wait. Well, I'm waiting, waiting for life to begin."
So what specifically am I waiting for at this point? Well, it's been 2 weeks since the lab got DH's genetic sample, so we should be hearing in the next week whether he's a carrier for SMA like I am or not. It doesn't really matter at this point if he's a carrier for anything else, since I'm not. I'm also waiting for our RE appointment on the 16th when we hopefully make plans for the cycle starting in January. I found out today that I might need to wait till January 15 to be able to access the money for DH's FSA, but that's ok because we wouldn't max out my deductible and need to use that money until after the 15th anyway.
On a more macro level (man, I do sound like a social worker!!), I'm waiting to use the box of meds that, come to think of it, I still need to bring in from outside. (Since they usually live on my dining table, I had to move them out of the way for Thanksgiving.) I'm still scared to death of needles, but I just want to get IVF #1 moving! I'm antsy enough about that that I even want the needles, just to be doing something besides waiting for life to begin.
Especially with how close we were to our first IVF cycle before, and now looking forward to hopefully being able to try again for IVF #1, there's one line that especially jumps out at me: "You get me to rise like a fish to the bait, then tell me to wait. Well, I'm waiting, waiting for life to begin."
So what specifically am I waiting for at this point? Well, it's been 2 weeks since the lab got DH's genetic sample, so we should be hearing in the next week whether he's a carrier for SMA like I am or not. It doesn't really matter at this point if he's a carrier for anything else, since I'm not. I'm also waiting for our RE appointment on the 16th when we hopefully make plans for the cycle starting in January. I found out today that I might need to wait till January 15 to be able to access the money for DH's FSA, but that's ok because we wouldn't max out my deductible and need to use that money until after the 15th anyway.
On a more macro level (man, I do sound like a social worker!!), I'm waiting to use the box of meds that, come to think of it, I still need to bring in from outside. (Since they usually live on my dining table, I had to move them out of the way for Thanksgiving.) I'm still scared to death of needles, but I just want to get IVF #1 moving! I'm antsy enough about that that I even want the needles, just to be doing something besides waiting for life to begin.
Saturday, December 03, 2011
You Tolerate Me, You Really Tolerate Me!
There's currently an award floating around the ALI blogosphere called the Liebster Award. Liebster is the German word for "beloved" or "favorite". The award is specifically designed for blogs with 200 followers or less, which I definitely qualify as!
I've been enjoying seeing blogs that I follow receive the award over the past couple of weeks, as it has helped me to find new blogs that I hadn't found through ICLW. Earlier this week, I received the award from my (also in real life) friend Katie. I was really touched by what Katie said when giving me the award: "I actually went to middle school with Jessie, and through the magic of FB, discovered that she, too, was struggling with infertility. She is definitely an advocate for the cause, and if you don't already read her blog, you should." I really try to use this blog to advocate for infertility awareness and funding in addition to it being a place for me to vent, and it feels really good to have that recognized. Now, enough about me, on to granting the award to others!
I've been enjoying seeing blogs that I follow receive the award over the past couple of weeks, as it has helped me to find new blogs that I hadn't found through ICLW. Earlier this week, I received the award from my (also in real life) friend Katie. I was really touched by what Katie said when giving me the award: "I actually went to middle school with Jessie, and through the magic of FB, discovered that she, too, was struggling with infertility. She is definitely an advocate for the cause, and if you don't already read her blog, you should." I really try to use this blog to advocate for infertility awareness and funding in addition to it being a place for me to vent, and it feels really good to have that recognized. Now, enough about me, on to granting the award to others!
Here are the rules to pass this award on:
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you've sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going.
Here are the 5 bloggers I would like the pass the award on to:
1. Jill at High Heels and Huggies - Jill posts great information about stress and worry management and about natural remedies in addition to talking about her own experience, and she's great at posting pick-me-ups!
2. Miles O'Willey at Of Course I'm Expecting, I'm Expecting to Get Knocked Up Any Time Now - I LOVE her sense of humor!!!
3. Kelly at Searching for Serendipity - I came across Kelly's blog thanks to ICLW, and I love her outlook on life and IF, as well as how she words things.
4. Mag at Witty Infertility - This is another that I found through ICLW, and the blog title is accurate. (Although her possible other title of Witty Bullet-Points-Own-Me Infertility would have also fit!)
5. Augusta at All In One Basket - Augusta and I are in the same general career field, so we both get the "fun" of trying to be emotionally present for others when falling apart ourselves.
Check them out!!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Do You Have Any News?
I got asked that today by my great-aunt, the first time I've ever been asked that blatantly. I don't see or talk to that side of the family that often, since they live out in Ohio...the last time I saw my great-aunt was the month before DH and I started TTC. Apparently right about that same time, two of my cousins conceived with their new wives. The one that is just a couple of months younger than me is expecting his second baby in a few months, too, so that's someone else who has lapped me. I did everything sooner than Jared. I was born 3 months sooner. I graduated high school and college a year earlier, since his birthday was enough later to put him in a different school year. I got married sooner. But not only did he have a kid before me, he had kidS before me. Before I could even get within sniffing distance of having one kid, he has two. And I get asked if I have any news in the same breath that I get told about how wonderfully fertile the rest of my family is.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving has always been one of my very favorite holidays. I have so many memories of cooking with my mom, and I'm really glad to have her here for my birthday and Thanksgiving. One thought I had tonight, though, as I'm still up doing prep work, is that I may not be a mom, but I sure as heck act like one when it comes to cooking holidays!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Big Day
Well, I'm 30 now. As I was on my way to bed last night (ok, early this morning), I was thinking that it felt weird in its very lack of weirdness. I know I'm not any different than I was yesterday, and I didn't feel any different than I did before midnight, but it felt like maybe something should feel different. Which is completely silly, I know, but anyone I know IRL can tell you how silly I am!!
I did get about the best birthday present possible from my friend K last night. After she had shared her wonderful news, we were talking about what would come next for us, and I told her that we were hoping the finances would work for a cycle early next year. K and I were talking about flex spending accounts, though, and she reminded me that if we use DH's FSA, the money is available as soon as the year starts. I had completely forgotten that about FSAs because neither DH nor I has had one available to us for about the past 3 years. Even better, K and I had this conversation during DH's open enrollment time, so we didn't have it too late for him to enroll, nor did we have it (this time, since we have talked about it before) so early that DH and I would forget by enrollment time.
Also, since I'm flying somewhere in January and was hoping to get by with just a carry on, K let me know that I can take the needles on the plane if I'm that far into the process, as long as I have the medical necessity paperwork with me!
So I'm going to see (just not today) about making an appointment to discuss timeframe.
I did get about the best birthday present possible from my friend K last night. After she had shared her wonderful news, we were talking about what would come next for us, and I told her that we were hoping the finances would work for a cycle early next year. K and I were talking about flex spending accounts, though, and she reminded me that if we use DH's FSA, the money is available as soon as the year starts. I had completely forgotten that about FSAs because neither DH nor I has had one available to us for about the past 3 years. Even better, K and I had this conversation during DH's open enrollment time, so we didn't have it too late for him to enroll, nor did we have it (this time, since we have talked about it before) so early that DH and I would forget by enrollment time.
Also, since I'm flying somewhere in January and was hoping to get by with just a carry on, K let me know that I can take the needles on the plane if I'm that far into the process, as long as I have the medical necessity paperwork with me!
So I'm going to see (just not today) about making an appointment to discuss timeframe.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
ICLW #3
Welcome fellow bloggers and commenters! I'm Jessie and this is my own special place to acknowledge the fun kind of hell that is infertility. Can you tell I like sarcasm?
I'm actually a little more upbeat and sunshiney than usual lately because my 30th birthday is on Wednesday. Maybe it's because I've gotten to watch all my friends turn 30 already (ah, the joy of having a late birthday), or maybe it's because it would be really hard for 30 to be worse than 28 and 29 were, but I'm actually really looking forward to 30. We'll see how long that lasts, but for now I'm going to enjoy it!
In terms of our IF journey, DH and I started trying in August of 2009. We had some basic testing in the summer of 2010 and then found out after $1400 in bills that our insurance didn't cover testing. I got insurance that did cover it this summer, and we got a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and were preparing for IVF #1 when we found out that I'm a carrier for spinal muscular atrophy. After several more insurance issues, we've finally been able to do the test to see if DH is also a carrier, and we've got 2-3 weeks now to wait for the results. We're hoping to get the coinsurance together to be able to try again on IVF #1 early in the new year. Until then, the waiting game continues.
I'm actually a little more upbeat and sunshiney than usual lately because my 30th birthday is on Wednesday. Maybe it's because I've gotten to watch all my friends turn 30 already (ah, the joy of having a late birthday), or maybe it's because it would be really hard for 30 to be worse than 28 and 29 were, but I'm actually really looking forward to 30. We'll see how long that lasts, but for now I'm going to enjoy it!
In terms of our IF journey, DH and I started trying in August of 2009. We had some basic testing in the summer of 2010 and then found out after $1400 in bills that our insurance didn't cover testing. I got insurance that did cover it this summer, and we got a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and were preparing for IVF #1 when we found out that I'm a carrier for spinal muscular atrophy. After several more insurance issues, we've finally been able to do the test to see if DH is also a carrier, and we've got 2-3 weeks now to wait for the results. We're hoping to get the coinsurance together to be able to try again on IVF #1 early in the new year. Until then, the waiting game continues.
Monday, November 14, 2011
We Plan and God Rolls Over Laughing
I've been thinking over the past couple of days about things that I'd like to be able to do within APO. And when I think about it, I get frustrated about how the infertility screws that up. I hate not being able to think about things more than 9-12 months in advance. The only reason I can even think 12 months in advance right now is because I know we can't afford to try IVF until the spring. Still, depending on what happens when in the spring, I don't know if I'll even be able to fly to get to the convention at the end of 2012 in Anaheim.
Ever since I stopped having the year-long elected position I used to have, I've been working on one project and then another. I've been trying to put things together to keep me busy and give me chances to both develop my skills and see my friends. The one advantage that I have right now is that anything new I start doing at this point would end before we could have a baby or right when it would happen since things reset at every convention. Still, when I think about things I might like to do after a year from now, I don't know whether to think of them as possibilities or as something to think about doing someday, and that's frustrating.
Ever since I stopped having the year-long elected position I used to have, I've been working on one project and then another. I've been trying to put things together to keep me busy and give me chances to both develop my skills and see my friends. The one advantage that I have right now is that anything new I start doing at this point would end before we could have a baby or right when it would happen since things reset at every convention. Still, when I think about things I might like to do after a year from now, I don't know whether to think of them as possibilities or as something to think about doing someday, and that's frustrating.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Wishin' and Hopin'
So, people were making a big deal about making a wish at 11:11:11 on 11/11/11. So I made a wish. Three guesses what I wished for. What the hell, it can't hurt, right? Sure, there's no reason why it would help, but it's free and it won't hurt.
LOTS of blog posts about rising betas lately. Put in the order for DH's genetic test last night.
LOTS of blog posts about rising betas lately. Put in the order for DH's genetic test last night.
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Musings
I saw on Facebook today about the Duggars conceiving #20, and DH's first comment was that he expected the servers for STFU Ferts to go down. My main thought about it is that I'm starting to think DH and I (along with a few other infertile couples) need to go visit out there for a while to see if the baby dust will rub off!
Earlier I saw a friend that posts the milestones for his daughter had commented that she's 23 months today and that in another month she'll be a big girl and he'll have to start giving her age in years instead of months. Yes, the kids that were born around the time DH and I started TTC are getting too old to be referred to in months. That really drives home how long it's been.
I was able to appreciate my cousin's baby today, and I got a call back from Shady Grove with a code for DH's genetic testing.
Earlier I saw a friend that posts the milestones for his daughter had commented that she's 23 months today and that in another month she'll be a big girl and he'll have to start giving her age in years instead of months. Yes, the kids that were born around the time DH and I started TTC are getting too old to be referred to in months. That really drives home how long it's been.
I was able to appreciate my cousin's baby today, and I got a call back from Shady Grove with a code for DH's genetic testing.
Saturday, November 05, 2011
Inching Closer to Progress
DH has his new insurance now and tried to sign up for the genetic test, but the code from our doctor's office wouldn't work. So I'll call Monday morning to get a new code for him to use, and then we can get the test kit sent to us.
Friday, November 04, 2011
A Little Relief
I was going to write a post about how damned emotionally tired I am. Then my friend asked if I wanted him to change the subject, and when I said yes he asked me what my favorite recipe is. I rattled off a bunch of things and then told him it was opening a can of worms to ask a cook what her favorite recipe was (although none of my favorite recipes involve a can of worms!). So now I'm distracted and not quite as down, which is nice.
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Halloween
Yesterday, RESOLVE's Facebook feed was asking people how they were handling the holiday. Halloween's actually not a holiday that I have any problems with. I think the reason for that is that, at least in my neighborhood, I only get a couple of babies at the door; it's mostly older kids. Older kids don't bother me the way babies do. Yeah, everyone's posting pictures of their babies in their cute little Halloween costumes on Facebook, but a lot of my friends are posting pictures of their babies all the time, so Halloween ends up being nothing different.
Obviously I don't like that this holiday is distinguished for me by being less hard than it is for many infertiles, but I'll take what I can get.
Obviously I don't like that this holiday is distinguished for me by being less hard than it is for many infertiles, but I'll take what I can get.
Trying to Move On as a Family
So far, Summer seems to be her usual playful self, but DH noticed tonight that Pumpkin seems to be withdrawing some. DH spent some time petting her and telling her that we love her and that we love her brother too. We're going to make sure to give her some extra attention over the next few days.
I'm really glad we got Summer from my mom and grandmother back in April when we did. Pumpkin's generally quiet enough that the house would have seemed way too quiet if we were just left with her. But because Summer was already part of the family before we lost Kechara, she doesn't feel like an attempt to replace him. Sometimes I'm ok, and sometimes I just want to cry. Anytime I let myself really stop and think about him, I cry. I'm able to think about the good times with him, but they still make me cry at this point. I know it will get better, but I'm not there yet.
On a happier note, I'm thrilled for K and her rising beta!!
I'm really glad we got Summer from my mom and grandmother back in April when we did. Pumpkin's generally quiet enough that the house would have seemed way too quiet if we were just left with her. But because Summer was already part of the family before we lost Kechara, she doesn't feel like an attempt to replace him. Sometimes I'm ok, and sometimes I just want to cry. Anytime I let myself really stop and think about him, I cry. I'm able to think about the good times with him, but they still make me cry at this point. I know it will get better, but I'm not there yet.
On a happier note, I'm thrilled for K and her rising beta!!
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