Today's poem came from the same prompt as Day 3 about sources of light.
Light from Darkness
Out of darkness
Comes pure light,
Electricity,
Bursts of brightness
Shooting across synapses,
Containing thoughts, ideas, dreams
Like bright candles
Or explosions in chemistry
With fertilizer and saltpeter,
Or August 6, 1945
Over Hiroshima,
And the enlightenment that came
And the new ideas,
Some of which will become reality.
Most will remain, however,
Simply stars in synapses.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Music Monday # 15 and NaBloPoMo Day 9 - Signs of the Times
Fall 2001 was quite an eventful semester at the University of Maryland, and not just because of 9/11. Just before Labor Day weekend, DH had to take me to the hospital (despite NOT knowing the area, so I had to navigate) from early week practices of marching band because of an asthma attack. There was a rash of robberies on campus and in town. On about September 6, a guy died on the steps of a frat house of GHB. On September 10, a guy died on the railroad tracks. Then there was the obvious, made especially frightening there both because of the high New York/New Jersey population concerned about family members and because it turned out that two of the hijackers had stayed at a nearby motel and worked out at the gym at the mall we all went to. And then, on September 24, a tornado went across the campus and killed two students.
There was definitely good that semester as well. The most important to me was that my sister Catie was born that year, on October 23. My cousin got married on September 15. DH and I were in the first months of being together, in that stage where everything feels perfect despite, in our case, living 8 hours apart. We even had random snow flurries in September! The football team was under a new coach and was ranked for the first time in a long time. But even that had a significant downside. When part of the marching band went down to an away game at Georgia Tech and won by 3 in OT, we had bottles thrown at us and were attacked by students after the game. Two years before, when we had lost by 3 in OT, there were some guys who tried to grope the flags, and one of our staff members got hit after he told the guy he couldn't cut through the band. So I had been holding my flag ready to use it on anyone who tried to grope me and trying to make sure the freshmen girls were in the middle of the formation. But we sure didn't expect what we got! I'll never forget watching a drum major and a staff member take down a guy that was running through the band throwing punches.
Since that was the semester when I was taking a poetry class (it was on the way to that class when I saw the flurries, actually!), I wrote a sestina about how crazy the semester had been. I'm pairing it with some REM here because that song really was what that semester felt like.
Fall 2001
What have we come to,
Living in College Park?
Weeks of tornadoes, robberies and death?
Going through our days in fear of what will be next?
And football made the Top 25 polls--
Hell really has frozen over!
At least we're not in Central Park,
In the city of collapsed buildings and death,
Wondering who will get anthrax next.
Bush's approval is rising in the polls,
But where will he be when this is all over?
What will his presidency reduce to?
And now the Afghans are the ones to taste death,
But which military unit will they send next?
Many support a draft, so they say in the polls,
But how will they feel when their sons go over?
How long will this go on? Will it come down to
The little kids that now play in a park?
Will the band get attacked when next
We go help our team rise in the polls?
Or does the Georgia Tech brawl mean that our trips are over?
The worst that we thought would happen to
Is is that we would get grabbed, then come back to our Park.
At least this incident didn't end in death.
In years, our kids will come back and take polls
Of who knew and who died and who thought it was over
The day our security shattered into
A million ashes spread out on Central Park--
The ashes of buildings and fires and death.
Who knew on that day so much more would come next?
The frightening thing is, it will never be over.
There will always be people who want to
Impose their views onto others, down to where to park,
And don't care if the price is their own children's death.
The only unknown is where will be next,
What country has topped the terrorists' polls.
Whew. That's the first and only time I've done a full six-stanza sestina. There was a contest going on BlogHer for writing sestinas. Actually, it's for a different fixed-form poem every week; this week is a villanelle. But that is more work and time than I have to devote to poetry right now. Maybe later in the month, but I doubt it.
There was definitely good that semester as well. The most important to me was that my sister Catie was born that year, on October 23. My cousin got married on September 15. DH and I were in the first months of being together, in that stage where everything feels perfect despite, in our case, living 8 hours apart. We even had random snow flurries in September! The football team was under a new coach and was ranked for the first time in a long time. But even that had a significant downside. When part of the marching band went down to an away game at Georgia Tech and won by 3 in OT, we had bottles thrown at us and were attacked by students after the game. Two years before, when we had lost by 3 in OT, there were some guys who tried to grope the flags, and one of our staff members got hit after he told the guy he couldn't cut through the band. So I had been holding my flag ready to use it on anyone who tried to grope me and trying to make sure the freshmen girls were in the middle of the formation. But we sure didn't expect what we got! I'll never forget watching a drum major and a staff member take down a guy that was running through the band throwing punches.
Since that was the semester when I was taking a poetry class (it was on the way to that class when I saw the flurries, actually!), I wrote a sestina about how crazy the semester had been. I'm pairing it with some REM here because that song really was what that semester felt like.
Fall 2001
What have we come to,
Living in College Park?
Weeks of tornadoes, robberies and death?
Going through our days in fear of what will be next?
And football made the Top 25 polls--
Hell really has frozen over!
At least we're not in Central Park,
In the city of collapsed buildings and death,
Wondering who will get anthrax next.
Bush's approval is rising in the polls,
But where will he be when this is all over?
What will his presidency reduce to?
And now the Afghans are the ones to taste death,
But which military unit will they send next?
Many support a draft, so they say in the polls,
But how will they feel when their sons go over?
How long will this go on? Will it come down to
The little kids that now play in a park?
Will the band get attacked when next
We go help our team rise in the polls?
Or does the Georgia Tech brawl mean that our trips are over?
The worst that we thought would happen to
Is is that we would get grabbed, then come back to our Park.
At least this incident didn't end in death.
In years, our kids will come back and take polls
Of who knew and who died and who thought it was over
The day our security shattered into
A million ashes spread out on Central Park--
The ashes of buildings and fires and death.
Who knew on that day so much more would come next?
The frightening thing is, it will never be over.
There will always be people who want to
Impose their views onto others, down to where to park,
And don't care if the price is their own children's death.
The only unknown is where will be next,
What country has topped the terrorists' polls.
Whew. That's the first and only time I've done a full six-stanza sestina. There was a contest going on BlogHer for writing sestinas. Actually, it's for a different fixed-form poem every week; this week is a villanelle. But that is more work and time than I have to devote to poetry right now. Maybe later in the month, but I doubt it.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Fertility Prayer
My feelings about God and faith have been complicated through this infertility journey. I have never doubted that God exists and that He has a plan for me. What I have doubted and wondered about is whether God ever wants me to be a parent, whether this pain will ever end. Whether I'm following God's plan for me or insisting on what I want despite how much I've been trying to figure out and do what He wants me to.
When we first started TTC, I was praying for God to work His will with regards to us building a family and to give me patience while I waited for Him to work His will. Even while I was getting frustrated, I continued to pray that same prayer, putting special emphasis on begging for patience. After a year or so, I was talking about it with my pastor, and she told me that I should also start asking God specifically for a healthy baby. So I've been doing that, but still wondering if that's what He wants.
Especially as we've been running into all of these obstacles, I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. I've been asking God to let me know if He wants me to be doing something else, but I don't know if what He's trying to tell me is to wait for July (or beyond) or that I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm dumb, I need skywriting. I'm going with the IVF plus PGD plan because I am going to try for what I want in the absence of anything that makes it clear that I should be doing something else, but I'm still asking and looking for a message to either say I'm doing the right thing or that I'm not.
One thing I wonder, though, is what the point is of other people praying for me. I know why I pray, to ask God to meet my needs and to give me guidance about what He wants me to be doing. But what does other people praying for me accomplish? How much of God's plan is fixed? Does He change what He's going to do just because people ask Him to? Or was it His plan all along as to when situations change?
Obviously I don't expect anyone reading this to have answers to these questions, I'm just sharing them because they came back to the forefront of my mind after reading this prayer posted by Witty Infertility:
Almighty Creator, hear this fertility prayer and the wishes of my heart. You know my deep desire for a child -- a little one to love and to hold, to care for, to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in Your holy image. Guide me in all my choices so that this conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth are in line with Your will. Heavenly Father and Holy Mother, hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit. Amen!
When we first started TTC, I was praying for God to work His will with regards to us building a family and to give me patience while I waited for Him to work His will. Even while I was getting frustrated, I continued to pray that same prayer, putting special emphasis on begging for patience. After a year or so, I was talking about it with my pastor, and she told me that I should also start asking God specifically for a healthy baby. So I've been doing that, but still wondering if that's what He wants.
Especially as we've been running into all of these obstacles, I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. I've been asking God to let me know if He wants me to be doing something else, but I don't know if what He's trying to tell me is to wait for July (or beyond) or that I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm dumb, I need skywriting. I'm going with the IVF plus PGD plan because I am going to try for what I want in the absence of anything that makes it clear that I should be doing something else, but I'm still asking and looking for a message to either say I'm doing the right thing or that I'm not.
One thing I wonder, though, is what the point is of other people praying for me. I know why I pray, to ask God to meet my needs and to give me guidance about what He wants me to be doing. But what does other people praying for me accomplish? How much of God's plan is fixed? Does He change what He's going to do just because people ask Him to? Or was it His plan all along as to when situations change?
Obviously I don't expect anyone reading this to have answers to these questions, I'm just sharing them because they came back to the forefront of my mind after reading this prayer posted by Witty Infertility:
Almighty Creator, hear this fertility prayer and the wishes of my heart. You know my deep desire for a child -- a little one to love and to hold, to care for, to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in Your holy image. Guide me in all my choices so that this conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth are in line with Your will. Heavenly Father and Holy Mother, hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit. Amen!
NaBloPoMo Day 7 - Hands
This one I wrote during a poetry class I took my senior year of college. The prompt was a somewhat complicated one in five pieces:
1. Describe the person's hands
2. Describe something he/she is doing with the hands
3. Use a metaphor to say something about some exotic place
4. Mention what you would want to ask this person in the context of 2 and 3 above
5. The person looks up, notices you there, and gives and answer that suggests that he/she only gets part of what you asked
Creation
Hands
With terra cotta dried in cracks
And under the nails.
Molding,
Melding,
Shaping the clay
Into art
And usefulness,
Or maybe shaping lives,
People long ago,
Taking dust and shaping a man,
Making a companion called woman.
So what wonders are you creating there?
"This? It's just a pot."
1. Describe the person's hands
2. Describe something he/she is doing with the hands
3. Use a metaphor to say something about some exotic place
4. Mention what you would want to ask this person in the context of 2 and 3 above
5. The person looks up, notices you there, and gives and answer that suggests that he/she only gets part of what you asked
Creation
Hands
With terra cotta dried in cracks
And under the nails.
Molding,
Melding,
Shaping the clay
Into art
And usefulness,
Or maybe shaping lives,
People long ago,
Taking dust and shaping a man,
Making a companion called woman.
So what wonders are you creating there?
"This? It's just a pot."
Saturday, April 07, 2012
NaBloPoMo Day 6 - Shields
I knew I was going to end up posting this one at some point, and it jumped out at me again today. The prompt was a meditation on a natural object.
The chestnut burr
Holds its spikes close
Like a shield
Designed to protect
The delicate nut inside
Just as I
Joke around
So no one can see
How vulnerable I am
Inside.
The chestnut burr
Holds its spikes close
Like a shield
Designed to protect
The delicate nut inside
Just as I
Joke around
So no one can see
How vulnerable I am
Inside.
Friday, April 06, 2012
NaBloPoMo Day 5 - More Fun with Sound
This format is called a two-voice poem, "a poem meant to be read aloud by two people. One person reads the left hand column, and the other reads the right. When words appear on the same line, they are read simultaneously." The prompt also notes that some have written effective poems for three voices. Maybe I'll try that at some point. (Edit: the font size is weird, so the formatting doesn't work quite right, but hopefully you get the gist. The right column is supposed to be straight!)
What What
Are you saying?
Do you mean?
I need I need
To see Some room
You more. To breathe.
You're always out
With your buddies You need me
24/7. 24/7.
I can't
Take it
Any more. Any more.
You don't understand You don't understand
That I have
Problems
That I have
A life
Besides you.
I think I think
We need more time We need some time
Together. Apart.
What What
Are you saying?
Do you mean?
I need I need
To see Some room
You more. To breathe.
You're always out
With your buddies You need me
24/7. 24/7.
I can't
Take it
Any more. Any more.
You don't understand You don't understand
That I have
Problems
That I have
A life
Besides you.
I think I think
We need more time We need some time
Together. Apart.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
NaBloPoMo Day 4 - Sound and Rhyme
My mom was saying at the beginning of the week, that she's really not a fan of poetry, especially poetry that rhymes. Well, we'll see what she thinks of this one. The form is called "internal rhyme"...basically, the word at the end of each line has a word in the next line rhyme with it, but that word isn't supposed to be the last word of that next line, it's supposed to be somewhere in the middle.
Love
It begins
With spins and whirls and twirls
And curls in someone's hair.
There. Do you see the spark
In the dark, when flint and steel collide,
Slide, and become something new?
Me and you become US
As the lust crashes
Like a wave and smashes reservations.
Nations could fall,
But all I'd care about is the crash of cymbals
When we kiss, symbols of
Our love.
Love
It begins
With spins and whirls and twirls
And curls in someone's hair.
There. Do you see the spark
In the dark, when flint and steel collide,
Slide, and become something new?
Me and you become US
As the lust crashes
Like a wave and smashes reservations.
Nations could fall,
But all I'd care about is the crash of cymbals
When we kiss, symbols of
Our love.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
NaBloPoMo Day 3 - Looking for Light
NaBloPoMo has a prompt every weekday to help with coming up with new poems to write about. Today's is, "What is the best poem to read when you're feeling sad?" There are a lot of poems that I've written when I was sad, since my strongest emotions are what trigger much of my writing, but those really aren't the best poems to read when I'm sad, because plenty of them would just make me more sad. This one I like for this purpose, though, since it goes to that sad place but ends on a more positive note. More from the poet-in-residence program, this one came from a prompt about sources of light.
Looking for Light
Hitting stones,
Rubbing sticks,
Playing with matches,
Searching for something to fill my life,
Something to end the abysmal darkness
In my soul.
I see candles
From church windows,
Light!
I go in,
Wondering how they got light
Into words of night,
And I see the truth.
The light is in me
If I only let it shine
And let eternal day
Into eternal night.
Looking for Light
Hitting stones,
Rubbing sticks,
Playing with matches,
Searching for something to fill my life,
Something to end the abysmal darkness
In my soul.
I see candles
From church windows,
Light!
I go in,
Wondering how they got light
Into words of night,
And I see the truth.
The light is in me
If I only let it shine
And let eternal day
Into eternal night.
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Music Monday #14 and NaBloPoMo Day 2 - Walls
This Jimmy Buffett song had struck me a couple of weeks ago with its description of walls: "And the walls that won't come down/We can decorate or climb." I think, I hope that's what I'm doing with the IVF. I can't change the wall that is me and DH both being carriers for spinal muscular atrophy. But I can decorate it through infertility advocacy, and I can try to climb it with the IVF and preimplantation genetic diagnosis.
The poem is another one I wrote from the poet-in-residence program in high school. The prompt was to write about dreams and walls, as Langston Hughes did in "As I Grew Older". I am leaving off the last line because it's clearly about someone else and because it'd not crucial to the poem.
Dreaming of Joy
I dream
Of happiness.
I reach out
Into blackness,
Endlessly searching
For what may never be mine.
In the darkness,
My hands find a wall.
I look for a way around--
There is none.
I punch at the wall,
Trying to break through,
Trying to get out of the eternal night.
It takes years of endless work,
But I finally make it through
And step into sunlight.
I hope that I am able to climb the wall that I've decorated and make it through into sunlight.
The poem is another one I wrote from the poet-in-residence program in high school. The prompt was to write about dreams and walls, as Langston Hughes did in "As I Grew Older". I am leaving off the last line because it's clearly about someone else and because it'd not crucial to the poem.
Dreaming of Joy
I dream
Of happiness.
I reach out
Into blackness,
Endlessly searching
For what may never be mine.
In the darkness,
My hands find a wall.
I look for a way around--
There is none.
I punch at the wall,
Trying to break through,
Trying to get out of the eternal night.
It takes years of endless work,
But I finally make it through
And step into sunlight.
I hope that I am able to climb the wall that I've decorated and make it through into sunlight.
Monday, April 02, 2012
I'm a Poet and You Didn't Know It
Or maybe you did, especially if you knew me in high school or read this post from last February. Well, either way, you're about to see a lot more from me. Despite me not being able to keep up with the March Photo Challenge, I decided to do NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Posting Month, for April because of the theme being Poetry. It doesn't just cover writing and sharing your own poems, it's also sharing other poems that have touched you, but I'm going to at least start out with my own work. I may write some new ones, or I may just post older ones. We'll just have to see where the month takes us!
When I was in high school, we had a poet-in-residence come for several weeks each year to do a weekly poetry workshop. She would give us prompts to work from, and each week after the first would start with reading the poems that had been written the previous week (she would collect them at the end to type up and share). This first poem I wrote my sophomore year, in response to a prompt of different ways to describe yourself, including as an animal, a color, a force of nature, an emotion, a sound, etc.
Portrait
I am blue, calm and peaceful,
yet also red, fiery and hot.
I am sweet when you have me,
but bitter when you lose me.
I am the sounds of birds, singing in the trees--
the sweet song of the robin,
the harsh caw of the raven.
I am the doe, running wild though others seek me.
I am the rain, saving some, killing others.
I am the daughter of the ocean--
beautiful on the surface,
turbulent beneath.
I am the dream of love.
When I was in high school, we had a poet-in-residence come for several weeks each year to do a weekly poetry workshop. She would give us prompts to work from, and each week after the first would start with reading the poems that had been written the previous week (she would collect them at the end to type up and share). This first poem I wrote my sophomore year, in response to a prompt of different ways to describe yourself, including as an animal, a color, a force of nature, an emotion, a sound, etc.
Portrait
I am blue, calm and peaceful,
yet also red, fiery and hot.
I am sweet when you have me,
but bitter when you lose me.
I am the sounds of birds, singing in the trees--
the sweet song of the robin,
the harsh caw of the raven.
I am the doe, running wild though others seek me.
I am the rain, saving some, killing others.
I am the daughter of the ocean--
beautiful on the surface,
turbulent beneath.
I am the dream of love.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Music Monday (OK, Tuesday) #13 - Makeshift Angry Salad
My freshman year of college, I was introduced to a band called Angry Salad by the guy I was dating at the time. And I do mean introduced...he was friends with the band, so when we went to see them at the 9:30 Club, Bob, Alex, Hale, and Brian Holland (the second bass player Brian), as well as their manager, Jim. Over the next couple of years (and through a band name change due to record label issues), I would email back and forth mostly with Bob, but also some with Hale and Jim, about everything from them opening for Vertical Horizon to date movies to karaoke and Girl Scouts! Eventually they moved on in life and the band broke up, but two of their CDs (their self-titled debut and the one they released as *64, called You May Be Beautiful) are among the CDs I play the most.
I was originally going to post a video of their song "Coming to Grips" because of how I've been coming to grips with having to wait for my cycle. Unfortunately, though, since they were from the days before YouTube, there are very few videos of them online and none of that song. I will post the lyrics, though, because they're really good! When he wrote the song, Bob's last two girlfriends had both broken up with him by saying that they were lesbian, and the song is about his reaction to that. I'm also including the video for one of my other favorite songs of theirs, "The Milkshake Song."
I was originally going to post a video of their song "Coming to Grips" because of how I've been coming to grips with having to wait for my cycle. Unfortunately, though, since they were from the days before YouTube, there are very few videos of them online and none of that song. I will post the lyrics, though, because they're really good! When he wrote the song, Bob's last two girlfriends had both broken up with him by saying that they were lesbian, and the song is about his reaction to that. I'm also including the video for one of my other favorite songs of theirs, "The Milkshake Song."
Well, Cindy Oleo - the margarine girl
She says to me, "I don't like boys"
I tell her I don't like them either, she tells me I don't understand
So I stand there and I stand there, yeah, but I guess I didn't know
I didn't know any better, I didn't know she might prefer
I need an answer to my letter, is she really going out with her?
Speaking of, I've got a couple words for the author of the book of love
Never wrote a chapter about this
Now maybe there were pages I missed (I'm not that bright)
I know it was a long time ago
As I stare up at her broken window, I turn my back and I walk home
I didn't know any better, I didn't know she might prefer
I need an answer to my letter, is she really going out with her?
It would be so hard, it would take, take some time, but I've got time
In my mind I go there sometimes, in my mind I go there
All this time alone and I feel fine, I feel fine
All this time alone and I feel fine, I feel fine
In my mind, in my mind, in my mind, oh in my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind
Guess I didn't know
I didn't know any better, I didn't know she might prefer
I need an answer to my letter, is she really, really going out with her?
Going out with her?
She says to me, "I don't like boys"
I tell her I don't like them either, she tells me I don't understand
So I stand there and I stand there, yeah, but I guess I didn't know
I didn't know any better, I didn't know she might prefer
I need an answer to my letter, is she really going out with her?
Speaking of, I've got a couple words for the author of the book of love
Never wrote a chapter about this
Now maybe there were pages I missed (I'm not that bright)
I know it was a long time ago
As I stare up at her broken window, I turn my back and I walk home
I didn't know any better, I didn't know she might prefer
I need an answer to my letter, is she really going out with her?
It would be so hard, it would take, take some time, but I've got time
In my mind I go there sometimes, in my mind I go there
All this time alone and I feel fine, I feel fine
All this time alone and I feel fine, I feel fine
In my mind, in my mind, in my mind, oh in my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, my mind
Guess I didn't know
I didn't know any better, I didn't know she might prefer
I need an answer to my letter, is she really, really going out with her?
Going out with her?
Monday, March 26, 2012
"You've Got Plenty of Time"
I used to hear this sentence a lot back when I was frustrated because we weren't getting anywhere trying to conceive, and again when I was frustrated because we were on a break and waiting for insurance that would cover infertility testing and treatment. I've been hearing it lately in response to IVF #1 getting pushed back again and again and again. And for a while, I really wasn't sure how I felt about it.
I mean, it is true, on the face of it. I just turned 30 in November, so there's still a good 5+ years before I'd be even starting to worry about egg quality since my hormone levels have been fine. As long as I have the same general insurance plan, a cycle (that doesn't involve embryo freezing or thawing) only costs us out of pocket at most $1500, and we have three of those before benefits would run out. There's certainly time to do those three cycles and to save up the money for them before getting to that 5+ year mark. There's even time to work on saving up for adoption if IVF doesn't work before getting old enough to worry about whether agencies or birth parents would consider us.
But. But but but but but. Knowing that doesn't address the emotional impact of infertility. Especially when we weren't trying and when I was waiting for insurance coverage, I would think (and occasionally say), "Sure, I've got 'plenty of time' now, but that doesn't mean that I can afford to just wait around for a few years and then get started, because then I don't necessarily have "plenty of time' anymore." Besides, why would I want to lose those years with my potential child(ren)?
I do appreciate the concern and attempt to make me feel better that seems to be the impetus behind the comment. When I've been hearing it lately, it hasn't been a variation on, "oh, you should just relax, you'll be fine," it's been coming from people that I know care about me and want to try to lift my spirits. That's why, even when it has been hard to hear, I haven't snapped at anyone or even looked for a good sharp response. And it's why I'm not ranting in frustration here, only sharing what I was finally able to make coalesce in my mind.
It's just not really a comfort at this point to think that I could go through this for another five, ten years, possibly even more. To me it feels like telling someone that hates their dead-end job and hasn't had any luck getting a new one, "Oh, you've still got plenty of time to find a new job before you'd retire." Or telling someone who has been unlucky in love for a long time, "Oh, you still have plenty of time to find someone, you have the rest of your life." While both statements are true, they don't address the loneliness, frustration, and other emotions that are a result of the current situation that has no real end in sight.
I mean, it is true, on the face of it. I just turned 30 in November, so there's still a good 5+ years before I'd be even starting to worry about egg quality since my hormone levels have been fine. As long as I have the same general insurance plan, a cycle (that doesn't involve embryo freezing or thawing) only costs us out of pocket at most $1500, and we have three of those before benefits would run out. There's certainly time to do those three cycles and to save up the money for them before getting to that 5+ year mark. There's even time to work on saving up for adoption if IVF doesn't work before getting old enough to worry about whether agencies or birth parents would consider us.
But. But but but but but. Knowing that doesn't address the emotional impact of infertility. Especially when we weren't trying and when I was waiting for insurance coverage, I would think (and occasionally say), "Sure, I've got 'plenty of time' now, but that doesn't mean that I can afford to just wait around for a few years and then get started, because then I don't necessarily have "plenty of time' anymore." Besides, why would I want to lose those years with my potential child(ren)?
I do appreciate the concern and attempt to make me feel better that seems to be the impetus behind the comment. When I've been hearing it lately, it hasn't been a variation on, "oh, you should just relax, you'll be fine," it's been coming from people that I know care about me and want to try to lift my spirits. That's why, even when it has been hard to hear, I haven't snapped at anyone or even looked for a good sharp response. And it's why I'm not ranting in frustration here, only sharing what I was finally able to make coalesce in my mind.
It's just not really a comfort at this point to think that I could go through this for another five, ten years, possibly even more. To me it feels like telling someone that hates their dead-end job and hasn't had any luck getting a new one, "Oh, you've still got plenty of time to find a new job before you'd retire." Or telling someone who has been unlucky in love for a long time, "Oh, you still have plenty of time to find someone, you have the rest of your life." While both statements are true, they don't address the loneliness, frustration, and other emotions that are a result of the current situation that has no real end in sight.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Decisions, Decisions
I got a call from my nurse earlier today, and the cycle is officially dead before it began. Again. After having said that the pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) probe needed to be done before I started shots, my doctor switched up on me (again) and said that he won't let me start pills until it's done. This is at least the second time he's switched things up on me, after originally saying that he would prefer a day 5 biopsy instead of a day 3 one and then changing "would prefer" to "will only do."
My nurse is also pissed at this point. She's pissed at the gene lab for putting her in the middle and telling her to call me and tell me they needed parent samples rather than calling me themselves. She's also pissed at the gene lab only saying at first that they wanted samples from my parents and then later saying they actually wanted samples from both sets of parents. She's also pissed that I did what I was supposed to and that other people not doing their jobs is what is preventing me from cycling. So at least I'm not the only one that's pissed. She and I were kinda yelling to (and specifically not *at*) each other on the phone today since we were both upset.
So where does that leave me now? Well, for one thing, swinging back and forth between numbness, tears, and anger. Especially with getting the final word from my nurse, it's a good thing I had called in sick today (I'm basically ok, but running a bit of a temp and just feeling crappy), because I would have had a hell of a time holding it together for clients.
It also leaves me with a major decision to make, about whether to cycle in one month or three, and I'm interested in opinions. DH told me it was my decision and that he was ok either way. Two months just isn't an option because of an event at the end of June that DH and I are running.
If we cycle in one month, we have to have the probe done (which takes 3 weeks after they receive the samples from all 4 parents) by April 21. Overnight FedExing of the sample kits each way, but I'm not going to have the last address until tomorrow at best. I'm scared of the probe not being done in time and having to go through this emotionally again. Cycling in one month would also mean missing something at the end of May that is fulfilling to me. I've been told my friends will make it be ok if I choose to miss it, but it's something I get a lot out of and a chance to see friends I rarely see. Cycling in one month would also make it possible to get a second cycle in before my plan year ends on 9/30 (DH's plan year is 1/1 to 12/31). I have an out-of-pocket max of $3000 and an employer-paid deductible of $1500. This year, we put the other $1500 on DH's flex spending account both so that we didn't have to pay taxes on it and so we had it all at once instead of having to save it up. For a cycle after 9/30, we would need to either pay the $1500 between deductible and out-of-pocket max by gathering it together between 9/30 and the end of the year or by waiting for that next cycle until January 2013 so that we could have a new year's flex spending account.
If we cycle in three months, I don't have to miss my May event (although I would miss it next year if the cycle worked, but then I'd miss it less because I'd have a baby), and I don't have to be scared of the probe not being completed in time. I would start shots while DH is at or just coming back from a curling trip (yes, in the summer), but I would be about at or already at the beach with my family, and several of my cousins are/were nurses (one's a doctor, but I dunno if he'll be there). *Insert Smithers-like tapping of fingertips together* I would have to wait longer to cycle, though, and I don't think there would be any way to get another cycle in before my insurance plan year ends. So IVF #2 would entail either waiting until January or coming up with $1500. Which I know isn't an astronomical about, but still.
I don't need to make a decision right away, but I do need to make it soonish since I need to buy plane tickets if I'm going to the thing in May. I'm working on getting the sample kits out to the parents right away either way, to leave myself that flexibility, although if it takes long to get those back, that'll make the decision for me. It feels like the two main things driving me right now are fear of the probe not being done in time for waiting just one month and not wanting to miss the May event. What do y'all think?
My nurse is also pissed at this point. She's pissed at the gene lab for putting her in the middle and telling her to call me and tell me they needed parent samples rather than calling me themselves. She's also pissed at the gene lab only saying at first that they wanted samples from my parents and then later saying they actually wanted samples from both sets of parents. She's also pissed that I did what I was supposed to and that other people not doing their jobs is what is preventing me from cycling. So at least I'm not the only one that's pissed. She and I were kinda yelling to (and specifically not *at*) each other on the phone today since we were both upset.
So where does that leave me now? Well, for one thing, swinging back and forth between numbness, tears, and anger. Especially with getting the final word from my nurse, it's a good thing I had called in sick today (I'm basically ok, but running a bit of a temp and just feeling crappy), because I would have had a hell of a time holding it together for clients.
It also leaves me with a major decision to make, about whether to cycle in one month or three, and I'm interested in opinions. DH told me it was my decision and that he was ok either way. Two months just isn't an option because of an event at the end of June that DH and I are running.
If we cycle in one month, we have to have the probe done (which takes 3 weeks after they receive the samples from all 4 parents) by April 21. Overnight FedExing of the sample kits each way, but I'm not going to have the last address until tomorrow at best. I'm scared of the probe not being done in time and having to go through this emotionally again. Cycling in one month would also mean missing something at the end of May that is fulfilling to me. I've been told my friends will make it be ok if I choose to miss it, but it's something I get a lot out of and a chance to see friends I rarely see. Cycling in one month would also make it possible to get a second cycle in before my plan year ends on 9/30 (DH's plan year is 1/1 to 12/31). I have an out-of-pocket max of $3000 and an employer-paid deductible of $1500. This year, we put the other $1500 on DH's flex spending account both so that we didn't have to pay taxes on it and so we had it all at once instead of having to save it up. For a cycle after 9/30, we would need to either pay the $1500 between deductible and out-of-pocket max by gathering it together between 9/30 and the end of the year or by waiting for that next cycle until January 2013 so that we could have a new year's flex spending account.
If we cycle in three months, I don't have to miss my May event (although I would miss it next year if the cycle worked, but then I'd miss it less because I'd have a baby), and I don't have to be scared of the probe not being completed in time. I would start shots while DH is at or just coming back from a curling trip (yes, in the summer), but I would be about at or already at the beach with my family, and several of my cousins are/were nurses (one's a doctor, but I dunno if he'll be there). *Insert Smithers-like tapping of fingertips together* I would have to wait longer to cycle, though, and I don't think there would be any way to get another cycle in before my insurance plan year ends. So IVF #2 would entail either waiting until January or coming up with $1500. Which I know isn't an astronomical about, but still.
I don't need to make a decision right away, but I do need to make it soonish since I need to buy plane tickets if I'm going to the thing in May. I'm working on getting the sample kits out to the parents right away either way, to leave myself that flexibility, although if it takes long to get those back, that'll make the decision for me. It feels like the two main things driving me right now are fear of the probe not being done in time for waiting just one month and not wanting to miss the May event. What do y'all think?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I Feel Stupid
I've been working really hard to not think this cycle would actually happen. Yeah, turns out that was epic fail. So now I feel stupid for not having been better at protecting and hardening my heart.
Remember me saying on Thursday that the pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) lab would now have 3 weeks and 4 days to do what should take 3 weeks? Well, apparently the lab didn't feel it necessary to tell me that they would *definitely* want samples from all 4 of our parents. Before it had been that they "might" want the parent samples. So we have to have the lab FedEx collection kits to the 3 non-local parents (hey, Moms, you two have packages coming!), have them swab the insides of their cheeks, and take the packages to FedEx (or get them picked up) to be shipped back.
Even with overnight shipping each way and samples being taken immediately, that's Friday (if parents get an early enough delivery on Thursday) or Saturday. And the lab sounded like they wouldn't deal with weekend deliveries until Monday. And we won't have one of the addresses we need until tomorrow night at best, so that one can't go out until Thursday's mail. And the probe takes 3 weeks to make. And to be able to do this cycle, it would need to be done by no later than Saturday April 14. And my fertility doc actually would want it to be fully made before I start pills. Which I was going to do this Sunday, since I had been told that I could start the pills before the probe was done, as long as the probe would be done by the 14th.
I could just scream. I already have fallen apart crying multiple times. What upsets me the most is that I started trying to get things going with the lab on February 10. That's when I gave them my insurance info. I found out on about February 20 that the lab doesn't request authorizations and I would need to do it myself. After a lot of being passed around, I reached the person I needed with insurance on February 24, and she called my clinic's business office that day to get what she needed. She finally figured (after multiple calls) that she wasn't going to get a call back and worked around the business office to get the authorization fixed on March 14. If the woman from the business office could have been bothered to do her job and call the insurance company back right away, I WOULD NOT BE MISSING MY CYCLE!!! There would have been time to get the samples. Hell, I might could have taken a sample kit to Costa Rica with me and saved the lab some FedEx fees!
Instead I'm in the position of trying to decide whether I want to wait 3 months to cycle or miss one thing or another that's very important to me.
Remember me saying on Thursday that the pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) lab would now have 3 weeks and 4 days to do what should take 3 weeks? Well, apparently the lab didn't feel it necessary to tell me that they would *definitely* want samples from all 4 of our parents. Before it had been that they "might" want the parent samples. So we have to have the lab FedEx collection kits to the 3 non-local parents (hey, Moms, you two have packages coming!), have them swab the insides of their cheeks, and take the packages to FedEx (or get them picked up) to be shipped back.
Even with overnight shipping each way and samples being taken immediately, that's Friday (if parents get an early enough delivery on Thursday) or Saturday. And the lab sounded like they wouldn't deal with weekend deliveries until Monday. And we won't have one of the addresses we need until tomorrow night at best, so that one can't go out until Thursday's mail. And the probe takes 3 weeks to make. And to be able to do this cycle, it would need to be done by no later than Saturday April 14. And my fertility doc actually would want it to be fully made before I start pills. Which I was going to do this Sunday, since I had been told that I could start the pills before the probe was done, as long as the probe would be done by the 14th.
I could just scream. I already have fallen apart crying multiple times. What upsets me the most is that I started trying to get things going with the lab on February 10. That's when I gave them my insurance info. I found out on about February 20 that the lab doesn't request authorizations and I would need to do it myself. After a lot of being passed around, I reached the person I needed with insurance on February 24, and she called my clinic's business office that day to get what she needed. She finally figured (after multiple calls) that she wasn't going to get a call back and worked around the business office to get the authorization fixed on March 14. If the woman from the business office could have been bothered to do her job and call the insurance company back right away, I WOULD NOT BE MISSING MY CYCLE!!! There would have been time to get the samples. Hell, I might could have taken a sample kit to Costa Rica with me and saved the lab some FedEx fees!
Instead I'm in the position of trying to decide whether I want to wait 3 months to cycle or miss one thing or another that's very important to me.
Music Monday #12 - Why We Tell the Story and March Photo Challenge Day 19 - Numbers
I spend way too much of my radio time on the Broadway channel on my XM, so my picture for the theme of "numbers" is the thumbnail of my Music Monday video, one of the numbers from a favorite musical.
With all the posts people have had about why they blog, as well as the questions raised in the Healing Salons, this song really struck me when I heard it this morning, as another way to show why I blog.
With all the posts people have had about why they blog, as well as the questions raised in the Healing Salons, this song really struck me when I heard it this morning, as another way to show why I blog.
Life is why we tell the story
Pain is why we tell the story
Love is why we tell the story
Grief is why we tell the story
Hope is why we tell the story
Faith is why we tell the story
You are why we tell the story
Pain is why we tell the story
Love is why we tell the story
Grief is why we tell the story
Hope is why we tell the story
Faith is why we tell the story
You are why we tell the story
So I hope that you will tell this tale tomorrow
It will help your heart remember and relive
It will help you feel the anger and the sorrow
And forgive
For all the ones we leave
And we believe
Our lives become
The stories that we weave
It will help your heart remember and relive
It will help you feel the anger and the sorrow
And forgive
For all the ones we leave
And we believe
Our lives become
The stories that we weave
Sunday, March 18, 2012
March Photo Challenge - Day 18
Hey, I actually managed to post just one day at a time! And it was before March 31!
Day 18: Stretch. This is the cat that was at our table where we had lunch on our second full day in Costa Rica. One thing I noticed is that cats in Costa Rica have much coarser fur than most cats here at home. I was thinking maybe it was a function of them being less well-nourished, especially since all the animals there, whether cats, horses, cows, or dogs, are SKINNY. Someone else pointed out, though, that the coarser fur probably dries sooner and is thus better for the rainy season.
Day 18: Stretch. This is the cat that was at our table where we had lunch on our second full day in Costa Rica. One thing I noticed is that cats in Costa Rica have much coarser fur than most cats here at home. I was thinking maybe it was a function of them being less well-nourished, especially since all the animals there, whether cats, horses, cows, or dogs, are SKINNY. Someone else pointed out, though, that the coarser fur probably dries sooner and is thus better for the rainy season.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
March Photo Challenge - Days 13-17
Maybe at some point I'll get to posting pictures every day!
Day 13: Glow. Sunset our first night in Costa Rica.
Day 14: Design. I like playing with line and design in photographs. I took this one lying on a bench under the Gateway Arch in St. Louis.
Day 15: Build. I built this set of steps for a theater class in college. We built the steps in pairs, actually, but the other person I worked with didn't want them so I got to take them home. Throughout the rest of my time in the dorms, I used them to get up into my bed since I had it raised some. After that, I kept them even though DH thought I was weird for it (as opposed to the other reasons he knows I'm weird), initially as a conversation piece/extra seating. When we moved to this house, the steps went outside on the patio where the cats like to sit on them. Kechara especially liked the steps...I would go outside and see him sitting or lying on them.
Day 16: Morning. This was the view from our breakfast table in the hotel we were at for our honeymoon in Poipu, Kauai.
Day 17: Green. This was my garden last summer. I had some MASSIVE zucchini and yellow squash!! It seems like every year I have one crop that goes gangbusters. The first year it was cukes, the second year it was jalapenos, and last year was the zucchini. Anyone got guesses on what this year will be? If you suggest something I haven't grown, I might add it in...
Day 13: Glow. Sunset our first night in Costa Rica.
Day 14: Design. I like playing with line and design in photographs. I took this one lying on a bench under the Gateway Arch in St. Louis.
Day 15: Build. I built this set of steps for a theater class in college. We built the steps in pairs, actually, but the other person I worked with didn't want them so I got to take them home. Throughout the rest of my time in the dorms, I used them to get up into my bed since I had it raised some. After that, I kept them even though DH thought I was weird for it (as opposed to the other reasons he knows I'm weird), initially as a conversation piece/extra seating. When we moved to this house, the steps went outside on the patio where the cats like to sit on them. Kechara especially liked the steps...I would go outside and see him sitting or lying on them.
Day 16: Morning. This was the view from our breakfast table in the hotel we were at for our honeymoon in Poipu, Kauai.
Day 17: Green. This was my garden last summer. I had some MASSIVE zucchini and yellow squash!! It seems like every year I have one crop that goes gangbusters. The first year it was cukes, the second year it was jalapenos, and last year was the zucchini. Anyone got guesses on what this year will be? If you suggest something I haven't grown, I might add it in...
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Whew
I heard back from my nurse today. She got ahold of the PGD lab, and she now has orders for the sample processing. Because of stuff not being fully open over the weekend, we'll be going in to give samples on Monday, and the lab will get the samples from my clinic on Monday. That means they will have 3 weeks and 4 days to create a probe that takes 3 weeks to complete. If nothing goes wrong. Still nervous, but not quite as scared.
Keep Calm and Carry On
I've been not-quite-almost-trying-desperately-to-keep-from-panicking for much of the past week.
Before I left for Costa Rica, I was calling the PGD lab and the fertility clinic and then calling around to insurance trying to get the auth changed from the California PGD lab to the Maryland one. The Maryland lab was telling me the fertility clinic was supposed to submit the changed auth because they don't get auths from insurance even though they do take insurance payments. The fertility clinic was telling me they had done their part and that the PGD lab was supposed to get the auth and that if they didn't than I was supposed to. The insurance company was saying that the fertility clinic was supposed to do it. And so on.
I wanted to get it done before I left so that DH and I could get the samples submitted and the probe could be made, since it takes 3 weeks if nothing goes screwy, and I started CD 1 for the cycle before our treatment cycle the Saturday before we left. Finally, the Friday before we left, I reached G in the local office of the care management division of the insurance company. She said she would get it taken care of by the Monday before we left. I didn't hear back from her that day, but I had so much to do getting ready that I had to just go on faith and hope it was getting done. Yeah, right.
Fast-forward to getting home, and a day or two after getting back last week, I reached G again. She hadn't been able to get a call back from the person at my clinic that she needed to talk to. She wasn't going to be in the office Friday and would get back to me on Monday. Yes, Monday that's a week and a half before CD 1 of our treatment cycle. On Monday I couldn't get ahold of her, and yesterday she said she still hadn't heard back after bugging the woman at the fertility clinic again. I explained the time crunch, and she said she was going to talk to her boss to see if she could make it happen without the fertility clinic calling back. Later that day I was told that she could, and this morning she called me with an auth number. Whew.
So now I can call my clinic and be able to go in tomorrow with DH to give our samples, right? Wrong. There are no orders on file for what to test for, since the Maryland lab didn't contact my nurse to give her that info. My nurse called me again today (we also spoke yesterday after I called her in my not-quite-almost-trying-not-to-panic) to say that she's going to make a pest of herself with the lab until they tell her what they need from the samples. Every day that ticks away has me more freaked out, though, even while I celebrate having the auth switched.
If I can't cycle this month and I know that within the next week, I can't cycle one month from now unless the nurse agrees to use extra pills to move the cycle by a couple weeks, which she wasn't keen on. I can't cycle 2 months from now unless she agrees to use extra pills to move the cycle by about one week. So missing this opportunity could mean waiting 3 more months. In both cases, this is because of things I already committed to. I'm trying not to commit to much right now because of the possibility of treatment cycles, but how do I find that line between being available no matter what changes and putting my life completely on hold? If I can't cycle this month and I find that out sometime after I start the pills, all bets are off as to timing because I'll have to completely figure out again when my CD1's will be for the upcoming months.
But of course I keep calm. Right. Or at least I carry on. That's all I can do.
Before I left for Costa Rica, I was calling the PGD lab and the fertility clinic and then calling around to insurance trying to get the auth changed from the California PGD lab to the Maryland one. The Maryland lab was telling me the fertility clinic was supposed to submit the changed auth because they don't get auths from insurance even though they do take insurance payments. The fertility clinic was telling me they had done their part and that the PGD lab was supposed to get the auth and that if they didn't than I was supposed to. The insurance company was saying that the fertility clinic was supposed to do it. And so on.
I wanted to get it done before I left so that DH and I could get the samples submitted and the probe could be made, since it takes 3 weeks if nothing goes screwy, and I started CD 1 for the cycle before our treatment cycle the Saturday before we left. Finally, the Friday before we left, I reached G in the local office of the care management division of the insurance company. She said she would get it taken care of by the Monday before we left. I didn't hear back from her that day, but I had so much to do getting ready that I had to just go on faith and hope it was getting done. Yeah, right.
Fast-forward to getting home, and a day or two after getting back last week, I reached G again. She hadn't been able to get a call back from the person at my clinic that she needed to talk to. She wasn't going to be in the office Friday and would get back to me on Monday. Yes, Monday that's a week and a half before CD 1 of our treatment cycle. On Monday I couldn't get ahold of her, and yesterday she said she still hadn't heard back after bugging the woman at the fertility clinic again. I explained the time crunch, and she said she was going to talk to her boss to see if she could make it happen without the fertility clinic calling back. Later that day I was told that she could, and this morning she called me with an auth number. Whew.
So now I can call my clinic and be able to go in tomorrow with DH to give our samples, right? Wrong. There are no orders on file for what to test for, since the Maryland lab didn't contact my nurse to give her that info. My nurse called me again today (we also spoke yesterday after I called her in my not-quite-almost-trying-not-to-panic) to say that she's going to make a pest of herself with the lab until they tell her what they need from the samples. Every day that ticks away has me more freaked out, though, even while I celebrate having the auth switched.
If I can't cycle this month and I know that within the next week, I can't cycle one month from now unless the nurse agrees to use extra pills to move the cycle by a couple weeks, which she wasn't keen on. I can't cycle 2 months from now unless she agrees to use extra pills to move the cycle by about one week. So missing this opportunity could mean waiting 3 more months. In both cases, this is because of things I already committed to. I'm trying not to commit to much right now because of the possibility of treatment cycles, but how do I find that line between being available no matter what changes and putting my life completely on hold? If I can't cycle this month and I find that out sometime after I start the pills, all bets are off as to timing because I'll have to completely figure out again when my CD1's will be for the upcoming months.
But of course I keep calm. Right. Or at least I carry on. That's all I can do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)