What To Expect

About a week ago, I was getting things together in the donation corner of our office for AmVets.  One of the things I came across was a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting.  I had gotten that from one of my friends when I started TTC since she was done having kids and didn't need it anymore.  Around the same time, that same friend had given me some baby things she didn't want to move to her new apartment.  Back in April, I passed the baby stuff back to the friend to give to her pg sister-in-law.  I also gave her the never-opened books about natural childbirth that I had bought with so much hope almost 2 years ago.  I had hidden those books away along with What to Expect because it hurt too much to have to look at them but I don't like throwing things away if they can still be useful to someone.  When I gave away the other books, I threw What to Ecpect into the donation corner because the other mother-to-be was a nurse and so was not likely to need it.  When I went through the donation items last week, I figured it's not worth giving it away after all now that we're trying IVF.  It's currently living in the top of my office closet, though.  I'm still not ready to see it on a daily basis, not until (and if) I need it.  Until then, it's just another reminder.

Next Steps

So, in the ultimate of ironies, this infertile is going to start taking birth control pills in the next week or so.  That, oddly enough, is the first step of an IVF cycle.  Yes, folks, despite being a good candidate for IUI, we are about to start a cycle of IVF because that is what's covered by insurance.  Because my tests came back normal and those for DH came back basically normal, we have a diagnosis of "unexplained infertility."  In order to make sure we use only perfect sperm, we're going with Intra-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) rather than just putting the sperm and eggs in a petri dish and telling them to have fun (see, no one gets to have fun through this, not even individual cells!).

Um, yeah, then we get to the really fun part, the needles.  They tell me that the needles for most of the injections are small, only half an inch or so.  Yeah. I'll believe that when I see it.  They also tell me that I'll be able to do most of the injections myself.  DH and I looked at each other at that point and laughed, knowing that he'll end up being the one to do the injections.  My mom was suggesting I do them myself to prepare for the day when I might have to do insulin injections.  We'll see, Mom.  Maybe by the time I get to the second or third IVF cycle.  The grand total is somewhere in the vicinity of 7 bloodwork visits, 10 gonadotropin injections, and one more major injection (the trigger).  Then I get sedated for egg retrieval and a day on bedrest after embryo transfer (several days later).  The trigger will be somewhere around September 23, with retrieval around September 25.  DH and I were planning on going away that weekend for our 5 year anniversary and his birthday, but instead we'll be hoping to create a birthday present for him. 

I mention "hoping to" and multiple cycles for a reason.  Given my stats, my chances of conceiving in a given IVF cycle are 50-60%.  At the same time, I know that the chance of not succeeding on the first try is thus 40-50%.  I also know that most people don't conceive on the first try or conceive and then miscarry.  However, many people who don't conceive on the first try do succeed on the second or third try. 

The mention of miscarriage brings me to a request that I have for those of you that I know in real life.  When DH and I first started TTC, my intention was to not tell anyone except DH and maybe our parents before I passed 12 weeks, when the chance of miscarriage decreases drastically.  I didn't really think I could handle the additional grief if I had a miscarriage of telling a ton of people there was no longer a reason to be happy for me.  However, there's no real way to write this blog without posting pregnancy results. 

Therefore, I request that, at whatever point I do conceive, you who know me in real life not talk about my pregnancy with anyone unless you know they also read this blog.  I know that people will slip up and word will spread, but I want to limit that as much as I can until I'm ready to announce it to all and sundry.  Don't worry, I'll let y'all know when it is common knowledge, and until then you can gossip with the people who you know read this and in the comments section.

Thank you all for your discretion about this.

Opportunities and Lack Thereof

Well, actually trying this month sure as hell isn't happening.  It would be time to BD around now, but I spent my weekend sleeping off Flexeril and pain pills.  I was able to work today, which was better than Friday (when I went home to sleep off meds after lying on a flat surface for the HSG).  Still, not up for anything active.  I skipped my walking group tonight to come home and write up 3 episodes for SnarkFood because my ankle's doing better but I didn't want to put that or my back to the test. 

On the other hand, I don't really feel like I'm missing an opportunity this month because I don't have any reason to believe at this point that trying in the traditional manner would be effective.  I've gotten to the point of thinking there's a good chance we'll become biological parents, but that comes from putting my faith in medicine, not in chance.  Our next appointment is this Thursday, and we'll be discussing the test results for me and DH and determining where to go next.  Since IUI doesn't seem to be covered, though, it seems like the only real question is when we do our first IVF cycle.  At least in the fall I'm more free than DH is, since he's the one going off and covering football games.  I wonder how long before retrieval his part can be taken care of in case my retrieval is on a weekend.

I am finding that baby announcements aren't bothering me as much as they were for the longest time.  I guess my heart has finally caught up to my mind in terms of knowing that we're making progress and thinking that we might actually be able to become parents.

More Results

I had my HSG yesterday, and it wasn't too bad.  A little bit of cramping, but what the doctor and nurse said was that most cramping comes from how far they open the balloon that keeps the catheter in place, and they only opened it a little.  The worst part, and the reason I came home after and went to bed, was the effect of lying on a hard flat surface while my back still hurts so much.  As far as the results, so far so good.  Both tubes are open and everything looks good. 

I really appreciated that my best friend offered to come down from Ellicott City and sit with me and to drive me home if I needed it afterwards since DH was supposed to be busy.  DH's morning obligation finished up earlier than he had expected, so he ended up being able to make it as well.  Neither of them was allowed to go back with me because of the radiation, which was not something we had been told ahead of time, but it still felt good knowing they were there. 

When I dashed off the post about my bloodwork and pelvic ultrasound, I didn't have the numbers for the bloodwork in front of me.  Since someone was asking, here they are.  The number on the left is my results and the number on the right in parentheses is the normal range.

Estrogen:                                      48       (less than 50)
Follicle Stimulating Hormone:        5.67    (less than 8)
Lutenizing Hormone:                     1.78    (less than 13.4)
Prolactin:                                      7.61    (less than 25)
Thyroid Stimulating Hormone:       2.86    (less than 4.5)

Again? Seriously?!?

So, my life had been going merrily along when...BOOM!!!  Or, more exactly, CRASH.  Like the last time, I'm relatively ok, but this time I'm a lot luckier to be this ok.

I was driving through Missouri with a friend, on our way to a staff development conference for APO.  I was in the left lane going West on I-70, about an hour East of our destination of Independence, when the car in front of me swerved into the right lane, revealing a tire tread in the road.  I swerved into the right lane and back into the left after the tread, but in the process, I lost control of the car and fishtailed.  There was an embankment to the right sloping down to a frontage road and continuing down on the other side of it.  There was no guardrail between the road and the embankment, and the car went over the side and flipped upside down.  The car flipped right-side up again and went across the frontage road, coming to a stop pointing down the hill on the other side.

We were taken on backboards to the nearest hospital, with me texting people on the way since the police officer had found my phone.  I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that as soon as I could reach a Brother that was in Independence, we would be taken care of.  They did a CT scan on me and let me off the backboard when it came back clear.  My ankle hurt, so they did an x-ray and deemed it sprained when they didn't see a break.  As sprains go, it's not that bad...I've been walking some of the time without the air cast they gave me.  I had itty bitty glass shards in different places, and the doctor told me they would work their way out over time.  The biggest issue there was that I had several shards in the bottom of my feet!  My back wasn't hurting badly at the time, but it definitely has been hurting since.  I have been very glad for the meds he gave me!!  I've been trying to not take the PRN pain medication during the day because it makes me sleepy, but I took one at lunch today and another at dinner.

I was right about my Brothers taking care of me/us.  In an amusing twist, the one who picked me up from the hospital that night (and even held off on the smart-assed comments!) was our Program Director for Risk Management.  One Brother made arrangements for DH to get from the airport to the hotel (he flew in because of work), and 2 others gave me clothes to wear for the night and the next day.  A Region Director took us to empty my car, get my prescriptions filled, and get my friend from the hospital.  While we were waiting for the meds, he suggested going to the craft section of the Wal-Mart and getting an X-acto knife so the surgeon present at the conference could remove my glass shards!  That was the first thing to make me really laugh at the situation. 

We ended up finding a cheap flight home for me, and now I get to deal with the pain while I wait for State Farm to determine how much they will give me for my car so I can replace it.  Yes, the car I got just 3 months ago.  I had put my stickers on it (including one that had been VERY hard to find) just the night that we left for Missouri...almost feels like I jinxed it.  I do want to try to get another Elantra, since I was very impressed with how well it held its shape as it flipped.  I felt my head hit the top of the car when we were upside down, but it wasn't very hard and didn't even seem to leave a bruise.  The main casualties ended up being the car, my friend's glasses, and my engagement ring (the latter two flew from the car and could not be found in the long grass on the embankment).

Results

Day 3 bloodwork (estrogen, FSH, LH, TSH, and prolactin) and ultrasound were normal, and I have 16 antral follicles, which I had never heard of before but which is a really good predictor of how ovarian stimulation for IUI or IVF will work.  Apparently 16 antral follies puts me in the best possible range!  Only weird thing from the ultrasound is that apparently my left ovary sits a little low, more on the tip of the uterus.  I think Leftie there just likes to be different, just like me.

Progress

I'm getting up at 6:45 tomorrow so that I can go in before work and have my bloodwork and pelvic ultrasound done.  DH was asking if I wanted him to go; I told him no, since the bloodwork is the worst part of it and we won't get results right away, but that I appreciated him asking.  (When I texted him earlier about the appointment, auto-correct changed "bloodwork" to "bloodworm," and DH said he didn't realize it was going to be as invasive as that!)  Shady Grove calls you the afternoon of the day your tests were to give results, so in less than 24 hours, I'll know at least a little more than I did before. 

I also scheduled my HSG today; that'll be August 5.  DH can't be there for it because of stuff that he has for work.  I told him it should be ok since even though the paperwork says it's better if someone's there, it's so they can drive you home if you ache too much.  I'm going to be going straight to work after the HSG, so that point is kinda moot.  DH said very emphatically, though, to call him if I was too achy to go to work and needed him to take me home.  He's so sweet.  :-)

Raising Awareness

First of all, I'd like to congratulate Katie at From IF to When on her 2011 Hope Award for Best Blog!!!  There's also an article in today's Wall Street Journal about infertility.  I had seen an excerpt from this online a few days ago, but I enjoyed reading the full article.

The bigger (ok, to me) item related to raising awareness, though, was an email I got from RESOLVE yesterday and was finally able to read in depth today:

Dear Jessie,
Bloggers are so important to the infertility community.  You share your stories and insights into a very personal journey.  We have another way for you to raise awareness.  RESOLVE has partnered with a major women’s magazine to develop an exciting project to raise public awareness about infertility.  We need your help to make this a success.

A big part of this awareness campaign will be a video component.  We need a number of RESOLVE community members to submit the first videos.  Your videos will serve as examples and inspiration for when we ask the larger audience to submit videos when the campaign launches in November.  

So here is your script:  “I wish I’d known…”  

Then it’s up to you.  What message do you want to share?  Tell us what you wish you’d known about fertility drugs… or about adoption...or about IVF...or about being a foster parent...etc.  Tell people who haven’t dealt with infertility how you would like to be treated.  

Videos should be short and sweet – one to three minutes. We are taking a grassroots approach to this, so don’t worry about fancy production.  Uploading your video will also be easy.  Videos will need to be submitted by September 1.

If you would like to participate, here’s what we need from you now:  send an e-mail to Andy at aschwarz@resolve.org with your name, age, state, and what topic you plan to talk about. You do not have to send a video right now. 

Andy will follow up with you in the upcoming weeks with a few more details as well as those upload instructions.  Thank you for considering lending your voice (and face!) to this exciting public awareness campaign!

 I already told DH I'll be needing help with filming my video about the things I wish I had known about insurance coverage of infertility.  Like when I participated in the Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge and when I emailed and called my Senators about the Family Act of 2011, I feel good about being able to do something other than just my random posts to advocate for infertility awareness and consideration.

And Now the Post You've All Been Waiting For!

For the lucky 100th post, we learn about The Appointment.

I was so NOT ready for the alarm to go off at 5:45 AM, but I had scheduled a 7:15 appointment when later ones were available in order to interfere with DH's workday as little as possible.  After dealing with all of the new patient stuff, we met with Dr. McKeeby.  He looked at our paperwork, and we pointed out the most pertinent parts. 

We discussed the possibility of PCOS that had been raised by my OB, and he said that PCOS does not appear to be the problem.  I could still have polycystic ovaries, since PCOS is a symptom of insulin resistance rather than the other way around, but the 18 months of basal body temp charts with LH surges marked indicate that I am ovulating the way I should be.  Plus, I don't have any of the other symptoms of PCOS.  I'm going to continue to take the Metformin that my PCP had given me, but he prescribed it to help prevent/delay the metabolic syndrome that I don't have yet but am at risk for, rather than for infertility.  

OK, so if it's not PCOS, what is it?  Dr. McKeeby said that DH's previous results look close enough to normal to not be a concern, although he is of course going to have to repeat the testing.  We both have to have bloodwork (a repeat for me) to make sure we don't have HIV, Hepatitis B or C or syphilis (insert Grey's Anatomy Season 1 joke here).  The more key things, however, will be the tests I'll have done in the next couple of weeks.  Day 3 bloodwork (testing FSH, TSH, estrogen, and prolactin levels) and another pelvic ultrasound, and several days later a hysterosalpinogram (HSG).  For those who don't know infertility terminology, that involves putting dye into my anatomy to look for problems, especially with the fallopian tubes.  From what I hear, I will be very definitely taking a couple of Aleve ahead of time, because it hurts.  Not like a sprain or break hurts or anything, but enough for me to want the meds.  DH wants to be there with me for it, which I thought was really sweet.  Fortunately for us both, we can get it done at a non-Shady Grove facility in Annapolis rather than going all the way to the main SG office in Rockville.  One thing that I love so far about SG is that they will call me later that day (or Monday if it's on a weekend) with results of bloodwork and other tests...almost no waiting!

Based on all this, we'll be looking at either Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) or IVF.  IUI is less invasive in a lot of ways and involves few if any needles going into me.  It does have an increased risk of twins, but not much risk of higher-order multiples, and we wouldn't mind twins.  IVF has for people like us about triple the success rate of IUI and more control over how many babies are likely, but it involves a lot more needles and hormones and anesthesia.

Our nurse, Crystal, then came in.  Yes, we get one designated nurse to work with through all of this rather than just dealing with whoever's available at any given time.  So far, I am loving the service!  She went over the testing with us, as well as how to get it done.  Once I hit Day 1, I'll call her and she'll schedule me for my testing.  She also told me to go ahead and start taking prenatal vitamins again (if you remember, I stopped taking them months back when I lost hope completely).  That felt kinda weird tonight, digging the bottle back out from the bottom of the bin where we keep medications and first aid stuff.

Crystal then took us to Darlene, who handles the finances.  She had talked to my insurance company when we were with Dr. McKeeby and Crystal, and she found out that my insurance apparently doesn't cover IUI.  I had thought that all of the mainline IF treatments were covered, but looking back at my emails when I got to work, I saw that the insurance broker had said the policy didn't mention IUI one way or the other and that she would need to look up the procedure codes.  I called Darlene and got the codes from her, and the insurance broker will get back to me by the end of the week on whether they're covered. 

DH and I talked about the possibility of IUI not being covered on the way to the cars.  My main feeling was that I would hate to have to go with a more intense and invasive procedure just because of money and insurance coverage.  DH pointed out the higher success rate of IVF and noted that it might not be that bad.  So we'll see.  I'm sure there will be many conversations about this.

Next stop on the Magical Bodily Tour, the vampires of the opera (or at least of the doctor's office).

T Minus About 6 Hours

Man, tomorrow is going to be a long day!  7:15 appointment, work till 6:30, meeting from 7-8, running home, and webinar from 8:30-10:30.

Weekend Update with Jessie B

So, I only had one night last week when the number of toddlers was really getting to me.  I was also tired that evening, so I just went to bed early and was fine after that.  Disappointed that I missed sitting up talking with my cousins, but I did need the rest.  The highlight of the week was midnight Harry Potter in 3D with my stepmom and 5 of my cousins.  I had to get up at 8 the next morning to drive to SC for a wedding, but it was SOOOO worth it!!

Friday night I got to have dinner with DH and a friend we hadn't seen in several years.  Later that night, DH and I got used as a jungle gym by our friends' 4- and 7-year-old.  We've started seeing these friends (who live 10 hours away from us) often enough that the kids remember us from visit to visit, and they are so sweet and snuggly!

At the wedding reception, we were seated with a couple from APO that we didn't know before.  The wife and I got to talking, and we found out that we have IF in common; we sat there for a while trading info.  This morning, we sat with them at the post-wedding brunch, which turned out to be a very good thing for me.  The seat next to me was empty for DH, who was a little late, and while I was in the buffet line, a woman sat there with her baby to talk to the non-APO people at the table.  When I came back to the table, I waited for a break in the conversation and mentioned to the woman that I had been saving the seat for DH.  She said that was fine, that she'd move when DH got there (although she was really slow to move when DH did arrive).  The woman next to her then said, "Wouldn't you rather take the baby home than the husband?"  I just kinda looked at her; I had no idea what to say or how to respond.  Ideally I would have had some sort of witty comeback, one that didn't even touch on infertility (since I assume the person didn't mean any harm), but I just couldn't come up with anything.  There was an awkward silence and then they resumed their conversation.  Even before my new friend leaned over to remind me that some people with babies can be really rude, it just really helped me to know that the person sitting next to me got it and understood my reactions, both the reaction that showed and the reaction that didn't show.  I told DH about it when he sat down (in a whisper, since the people were still there), and he was sweet and supportive, but it still helped to have someone understand me in addition to having someone support and care for me.

Just over 2 days till my appointment!

8 1/2 More Days

I can get through until then.  I can deal with the high toddler content here.  I can do it. I can. I promise.

The Waiting Game

I was amazed from the beginning that I only had a one-month wait for my appointment at Shady Grove.  It still could have been a hard wait, but I've been lucky to have a really full month in the meantime.  First Membership Academy for APO, then running a quizbowl tournament for JROTC teams, then the 4th of July weekend.  Now I'm spending the last full week before the appointment at the beach with my family.  On the one hand, there are toddlers everywhere, with something like 7 kids below school age, and one cousin that's here is due in August, but it makes it easier to deal with it because I have the appointment coming up.  On the other hand, it could be really hard to wait with the anticipation of the last week, but it makes it easier to deal with it because I have fun things to do with my family this week.

2011 Hope Awards

When I voted for the Hope Award for Best Blog, I found out that there are other Hope Awards besides the publicly-voted Best Blog and Best Book.  I was interested to see that the Hope Award for Achievement was given to SELF magazine for their article about infertility last year, "This Woman has a Secret".  This is particularly special to me because that article was the main thing that inspired me to start this blog.

Also, when I read the finalists for Best Blog, I came across a great post from Whitney & Erick.  What Whitney wrote about the statements of "just relax" really resonated with me.  The rest of this post is copied from her (and thus contains some medical details that I hope don't apply to me).

The truth
First and foremost, infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age.  The definition of a disease is “disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure, or system of the body.” Infertility is due to some malfunction in the body, whether it be hormonal or structural.  Ergo, a disease.  Even for people with unexplained infertility, clearly something is wrong, but the reproductive system is complicated and sometimes it’s hard to diagnose.  In my case, I do have several diagnosed problems including a uterine abnormality, luteal phase defect, Factor V Leiden, and autoimmune issues.
Without medical help, there is nothing I can do to have a baby.  And, possibly not even with medical help.  Nothing short of a miracle from God, that is.  And, while I pray for that all the time, I can’t count on it.  If you apply this “relax” thinking to the rest of your life, imagine this. Sitting around and waiting for a great job to land in your lap.  Waiting to magically learn something new without studying.  That doesn’t work – just like everything else, you have to work for it.  And, just because some people didn’t have to work hard to have a baby, doesn’t mean I don’t have to. A little Marvin Gaye and a bottle of wine might work for some, but for me the recipe involves follitropin alfa injections, human chorionic gonadotrophins, anti-coagulants, steroids and lots of poking and prodding.
When people tell me to “just relax,” it’s insulting.  Even though most people have good intentions when they say it, it hurts.  It somehow insinuates that I have done something wrong. It makes it my fault.  I know it’s not true, but it still hurts. It’s an accusation that somehow because of my inability to “relax,” I cannot have a baby.  If only that were true, and that easy, I would have a 4-year-old by now.
Besides,  I don’t feel “stressed” about my situation all the time.  Usually just at key decision points.  Everyone does and would.  This has become part of my life, and I have learned to live with it.  Usually, it’s a quiet sadness, not a throbbing stress.  I talk about it all the time, but that’s because it’s cathartic to do so. To imply that I should be able to make life-altering decisions without a little stress is absurd. I’m pretty sure that lots of regular women who get pregnant all the time are stressing about their job, their kids, their relationships or something.  Stress is not the problem.
Those of us struggling to conceive have been through hell.  We’ve put our lives on hold.  We have put our bodies through the ringer. Our relationships have suffered. We’ve had to deal with loss. We’re emotionally spent. We deal with failure on an almost permanent basis. We’re tired, frustrated and beaten down.  Relax is not something we want to hear and it’s not the answer to our problems.

What people say [and my response]

• Maybe if you just stop trying/relax/forget about it/etc. “My cousin’s friend’s sister-in-law tried for a long time and then they gave up and what-do-you-know, they got pregnant. You never know…” [ Well, I pretty much gave up a while ago, but I'm still not a mommy.  Also, all of those months in between the IVFs, I haven't "been trying."  And, not all infertility is equal. Unless you know the nitty gritty details of your friend thrice-removed and my reproductive history, how can you compare?  Your friend trying for 6 months and going on Clomid and giving up and then getting pregnant does not even remotely resemble anything to do with me or my situation. For the record, in this scenario, that would not even constitute an infertility diagnosis at all.  Usually the threshold is one year of trying.]
• You need to stop thinking of all of this.  [There have been times when we have taken a break from this battle.  That didn't work. And, like or not, infertility has become part of me. It doesn't define me, but it's always there lurking in the background.]
• Take a vacation.  [I've taken many during the five plus years we've been trying to conceive. Really gotten away from it all. Gone half way around the world.  Sailed in the Mediterranean.  Slept in the rainforest.  Hiked a volcano.  And, I didn't think about infertility at all.  Nope, that didn't work. But, man, if it did, that would be awesome. Pregnant and lots of travel.  Perfect!]
• You should meditate. [That might be a good thing to do, but it's not going to get me a baby.]
• Mind over matter. [Well, I have visualized a happy outcome, but it just hasn't worked. Besides if I could just conjure up anything I wanted, I would not only have a baby, I would also live in a custom house on the beach, travel the world, have great muscle tone and speak five languages.]
• You need to think positive. [It used to be easier to be more positive.  Along with that positivity, I was also naive and blissfully ignorant. It's not that I'm not positive, but I'm a realist. I always hope for the best, but am prepared for the worst.]
• You need to stop being so stressed.  [If you are experiencing stress and then feel pressure to not be stressed, the stress just multiplies.  And, for me, there have been times that I have been stressed and times I have not. Not being stressed did not give us a healthy pregnancy.  Also, when undergoing IVF, since all of the hormones are administered, stress does not play a part. See this study.]

New Project

Since I do actually have another side of me besides infertility, I've started a new blog, a collaborative effort.  Basically, it's group commentary on food shows, with a heaping helping of sarcasm.  Come check it out!

Insurance Antics

Don't worry, this isn't about my current insurance or anything that would interfere with my appointment on the 20th (22 more days!).

I was looking up something on the RESOLVE.org website, and I saw something about states that require infertility coverage of some sort by law.  I stopped in my tracks when I saw that Maryland was on there!!  I went to the page that explained further, and I saw that, since 2000, Maryland has required insurance providers that cover pregnancy-related healthcare to also cover the cost of 3 IVFs per live birth (max lifetime benefit $100K).  Now, this has no direct effect on us since there is no requirement to cover the diagnostic testing that we were having trouble paying for.  However, I do find it extremely interesting since DH's insurance from United had very specifically said that it did not cover ANYTHING related to infertility.  Not that it didn't cover anything until IVF, but that it did not cover anything at all.  Again, UMR, how I loathe thee.

A Sense of Purpose

I was reading another blog post today, and it made me think about mine.  Amazing how this whole blogging community thing works, isn't it?  :-p  Anyway, one of the blogs I follow, From IF to When, is one of only 4 nominees for the Team RESOLVE Choice Best Blog Award.  This was Katie's reaction (aside from trying to not spit her dinner on the floor):

"Last year, I was shocked to be nominated. This year, I'm floored. I don't blog nearly as much as I used to. I am whiny. I have no infertility success story (yet), and I'm not going through treatments. So, uh, what the hell?"

When I looked at the description on the RESOLVE website about the Best Blog Award, they described what they were looking for as someone "whose blog posts raise awareness about what life is like when you’re faced with infertility."  DH and some others have had difficulty understanding how working to raise awareness about infertility fits with posts like this where I'm complaining.

In some ways, that's probably my fault, because, as I looked back at the beginning posts of this blog, I see that I didn't say anything about the purpose of this blog other than that I refuse to be silent about my/our infertility like so many other people.  That has left me in the position of having to choose between justifying myself and my posts and telling people that if they don't like it they can screw themselves, which anyone who knows me well can tell you just is not how I do things.  Even worse, it has left DH in the position of trying to justify what he doesn't fully understand himself, as some people have addressed their thoughts about the blog to him instead of me.

The wording that RESOLVE uses really struck me as a good description for what I'm trying to do (even if I'm not one of the 4 best people in the country at doing it).  I raise awareness about what life is like when you're faced with infertility.  I don't raise awareness about what people would like life to be like when you're faced with infertility.  I don't put a pretty little bow on infertility to make people feel good about being nice to infertile people/supporting legislation that addresses infertility.  I share with people the real, (almost entirely) unvarnished truth about what my life is like facing infertility.  Sometimes that includes things that people don't like.  Sometimes that includes things that I don't like.  Sometimes those two overlap.  But whether you or I like them or not, whether they're pretty or not, they are "what life is like when [I am] facing infertility."  For people who need their description or understanding of this blog to fit in a neat little box (and there's nothing wrong with needing that, people have different ways of understanding and processing things), here is your neat little box.

Good Day

No, I haven't gone to Europe with that subject line! (Although going back would be nice sometime.)  I'm just having a good day, without anything hitting me upside the head so far (about infertility or otherwise), and I thought I'd post something contented for once.  Normally, I'd avoid posting this, as I'd worry about jinxing myself (we'll see if I post later retracting this entry!), but instead of worrying about what will go wrong next and when, I'm going to take a moment for once and enjoy the calm. 

For the last 2 days at work, I haven't had to hospitalize anyone or deal with any crises.  After the few days before, that is a nice change!  I even had time to catch up on contact notes, and I'll be spending my entire day tomorrow writing treatment plans.  I know that doesn't sound like a plus, but it is...it'll be peaceful and I'll be a LOT closer to completely caught up with things.

Also, tonight I'm going to go check out the all-ages color guard near Baltimore, the Arbutus Sailorettes.  I was playing things by ear today as far as whether I would go or not, given the headaches I'm still getting over, but my head hasn't been bad today, and I'm looking forward to it.  It felt SO good this morning to even just take my practice flag out of the coat closet and put it in my car.

Tomorrow is another day, with its own potential crises, but I'll worry about those when they come.  After all, tomorrow also has its own potential positives.

Lapped Again

I found out today that someone I know is pregnant with their second in the time I/we have been trying for the first.  That's the second person I know to lap me, and I keep looking at the first one, someone I see most days, waiting to see that she's double-lapped me.  After all, I didn't know that one was pregnant with the second for the longest time because it was so soon after her first that I thought she was just taking a while to get her shape back after the first one.

Five weeks to the day until my appointment...

APPOINTMENT SCHEDULED!!!

Gee, can you tell I'm a little excited today?!  I've been waiting for so long for this, though, and now things are finally progressing!  I have an appointment for July 20 at 7:15 AM.  I would rather have taken the 8:30 appointment, or better yet 9, but things have been so crazy for DH with work that I took the super-early appointment for his sake.

We'll see what I think of Shady Grove and which side I end up on once I'm really working with them, but so far I'm pleased with the service.  Rather than calling them (which I was going to do in short order if I didn't hear from them), I filled out their New Patient thing on their website.  The page said they would call within 24 hours unless it was a weekend or holiday.  I had a few moments between clients, and I submitted it at about 3:25 PM.  They called me back at about 4!  I was with a client then, so I called back when that client left, and we got me/us scheduled.  Their first available was July 14, but I'm going to be out of town with my family then.  They had more during the day on July 19 and then morning appointments on July 20.  So here we go!  I know it might take a lot of tests and a long while to get anywhere even once I'm seeing a clinic, but at least we're getting to start that lot of tests and long while rather than just treading water with no idea when that part will end.

On another note, when we first started TTC, I had taken a preparing to conceive class at the hospital, and what the doctors and nurses there had said about caffeine was to try to limit it to 240 mg per day if you could be or are pregnant.  So since then, that's what I've been trying to go with anytime I could be pregnant.  Today, though, I saw on RESOLVE.org that more than 100 mg per day could interfere with egg development.  So I'm going to work on cutting down on the Diet Coke.  Thank heavens I'm not a coffee drinker, since that's got a lot more caffeine, but to keep under 100 mg/day, I can only have 2 cans of Diet Coke.  Woo, buddy, that's gonna be hard!

INSURANCE!!!!!

I didn't get out the door this morning in time to drop the enrollment form off at the main office on my way in, but I had a client no show right before lunch, so I drove the 20 minutes each way to give it to the person today rather than tomorrow.  Just got this email, and it brought happy tears to my eyes:

Jessica,
I've enrolled you in the health insurance plan along with vision and dental. I placed a copy of the coverage information in your mailbox.

You will receive in the mail your medical card and a debit card that allows you to charge the medical deductible costs up to $1250.00.  (note from Jessie: it costs the company less to give us a high-deductible HMO and then give us an HSA pre-loaded with the deductible than to pay for a traditional plan)

Any questions please let me know.

Thanks,
Person Filling In for HR Person on Maternity Leave

One Step Forward, Hoping For No Steps Back

After I called United again today, my certificate of creditable coverage ended up coming in today's mail.  So now I am filling out the enrollment form I still had from October, hoping to drop it off at work tomorrow morning on my way to my other office.

So where does that leave me?  As soon as I can get a group number and ID number, I'm calling a fertility clinic.  I know that a couple of you guys said to call right away, but I'm too gun-shy after my experiences in the past year.  This is still United I'll be dealing with, and I don't trust them not to find any reason they can to avoid paying for things.

One person commented on my last post asking about whether I had chosen an RE to go to.  I just looked at where the new insurance covers, and I think I'll try Shady Grove first.  Their Annapolis office is the only clinic closer than Greenbelt or Columbia that is in-network.  I've heard some feedback that they treat people like numbers, and some feedback that they are great.  Still, it makes sense to me to at least try the local one first to at least attempt to minimize the disruption of going for appointments and procedures.  So here we go...

Oh, UMR, How I Loath Thee

DH got his card for his new insurance today.  I still haven't been able to get the certificate of creditable coverage.  And I had to go to my PCP on Thursday and get $50 of scripts on Friday.  I wonder how long it takes to get in to see any of the local REs.

New Resource

So, I picked up a copy of What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting when I was at the mall yesterday.  I told DH I would be interested in reading it once he was done with it, and I'll let y'all know what I think.  I also told the cashier at the Books-A-Million at Arundel Mills that their infertile customers would be a lot happier if the books about infertility weren't mixed in with the pregnancy books, if they were on a separate shelf like Barnes & Noble and Borders do.  Yeah, the migraine had been lessening some, but it came back full force when I saw that.

Hell of a Day

To top my day off, I just realized that this post from 12 hours ago posted to the wrong place.  So here it is:

I'm so mad at DH's work and insurance that I don't know whether to punch something or cry.  Today's the day DH switches to the new company after 6 months of waiting, so it's the day when we both get dropped off of his crappy insurance and I can move to what my company has. 

His company's HR (yes, the same people from whom we could not get a listing of what insurance covered for MONTHS) said that the insurance company would mail us the certificate of creditable coverage.  I called the insurance company to see if they could fax it instead to decrease the amount of time when I have no insurance before the new coverage takes effect and gets backdated.  For comparison, when I left BBH and therefore left Aetna, I could print the certificate off of their website rather than waiting for them to fax it to me.
First of all, UMR told me that they could not fax or let me print my certificate, I would have to wait 7-10 business days for them to send the letter.  Once the letter is sent, I have to wait for regular US Mail since they of course can't overnight it to me even if I offered to pay for the shipping.  The crowning glory, however, was finding out that DH's HR department for the old company hasn't bothered to tell UMR that he and others are no longer on their insurance.  I told him that I'd be lucky if I had insurance by July and that it would be August or September at best before I'd get to see an RE!  And he has no ability to complain about how HR treats him and me because his exit interview was not anonymous and so he's afraid of repercussions.

And of course life had to be more fun, so I'm on day 2 of a massive migraine.  I was able to function last night and even have fun, but only with a large dose of naproxen.

Oh, This is Gonna Suck

There's an infant cattycorner across the aisle on the plane.  I already have tears in my eyes.

A Bit of Relief

It did at least get easier to deal with the Baby Brigade when I found out that one of them was adopted and talked with his mom about her IF journey.

Baby Brigade

I am enjoying the quizbowl tournament that I am at, seeing old friends and making new ones.  Unfortunately, I didn't know when I volunteered to help with the info desk that it was the home of the Quizbowl Baby Brigade.  I keep getting asked if one of them is mine.  At least one friend is now there who will be a daddy after 8 years of him and his wife dealing with IF, so he gets it better than most.

Guys and Infertility

As you may have noticed, there's not a whole lot out there on infertility from the guy's perspective.  As I come across any, I make sure to show them to DH in case he can get anything out of them.  So far, he hasn't found any of them to be much help, but he and I will both be interested to read a book we found out about (more on that later).  Even though DH didn't find them helpful for what he's experiencing, though, I wanted to share what I've found so far in case they can help anyone else's husbands.

The first article I came across was rather unexpected.  I was going through an old issue of Glamour that I hadn't read yet in order to throw it in the recycling, when I found this article written by Joe Conason about the experience he and his wife had with conceiving twins through IVF.  Joe wrote about trying to support his wife (and the mistakes he made in doing so), about the cost of IVF, and about the anxiety that he and his wife experienced through the failed attempts and then through her pregnancy.  I thought that Joe did an effective job of weaving together his own story with commentary on the state of infertility in America.

The second resource is one that I found on Melissa Ford's masterwork, Lost and Found and Connections Abound, or LFCA for short.  The LFCA is a sort of home base for the ALI (Adoption, Loss, and Infertility) blogging community.  It helps to connect bloggers with each other and share news and needs for support.  One of the sections of the LFCA is a listing of new ALI blogs, and on there I found Hope to be Daddy: A Guy's Infertility Voice.  It's an interesting blog both because of being from the guy's point of view and because this is a guy who really wants to be a father and is struggling with his own feelings about infertility rather than just struggling to deal with his wife's feelings.  Women are more likely than men to be the first one ready to start trying to conceive, the first one to become frustrated with conception does not happen, and the first one to want to seek treatment.  It would not surprise me if many men were to find the author of this blog hard to relate to because of how much he wants to be a father, but from my perspective, it's refreshing to see.

The other resource I've found so far is one that DH and I both heard about from different channels.  I saw a link on another infertility blog to this interview with comedian Marc Sedaka about his book What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting.  I showed the article about the interview to DH, and he said that he had heard the same story on the news while he was driving.  I'm planning on picking up a copy of the book for us within the next few days, and I'll want to read it once DH is done.  I told him I was interested to see what Sedaka says to guys, similar to how I had snagged and read the copy he had been given of The Groom's Survival Guide.  I'll make sure to share my thoughts once I get a chance to read it, never fear!

Gradumacation

I watched my cousin graduate from UMBC today.  I was so filled with pride that I could burst, after knowing how hard she worked to get to this day.  I'm extremely proud of my cousin and my Brother.

She wasn't the only one to graduate today, though.  I graduated from therapy too.  My therapist had said during my last session that, before I had had my budding confidence crushed at the beginning of April, she had been thinking that I might be about done with therapy.  Y'all have seen my progression since then.  The biggest change has been that I've been able to accept that, despite the people telling me otherwise, I'm actually doing what I'm supposed to and dealing with this like I'm supposed to here.  Tonight, my therapist told me that she thinks I don't need her anymore.  I can, of course, make an appointment if I do need her, but she thinks that I am reacting in a healthy manner to a situation this traumatic.  Therapy can't make this any less traumatic, and therapy has done what it can to help me know what is normal and what is legitimate and to help me access the resources that I have available to me.

An Open Letter To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Obsessing About This Whole Baby Thing

(which I do not expect to be any of the regular readers of this blog!  However, this blog is the place where I feel safe posting this)

Yes, you're right.  I do think about pregnancy a LOT of the time.  I do think about the fact that I may never be a mother a LOT of the time.  And it does seem like anything can remind me of this and upset me.  I do cry a lot.  I do get upset often.  And I do these things despite being in therapy and on meds to help me deal with it.  Yes, I am well aware that having a lower stress level would be good for me, DH, and my family and friends.  However, I have some questions for you in return.

Would you tell someone waiting to hear whether they have cancer that they should stop thinking about their possible diagnosis and courses of treatment?  Would you tell someone who is HIV+ that they are obsessing about their T-cells?  Would you tell someone with fibromyalgia that they can't go through life noticing most of the people around them being able to function without pain?

I would not dare to make these comparisons on my own.  After all, my tendency is to believe that I'm the only one who is too weak to handle what normal people handle every day.  Research has shown, however, that the stress levels experienced by women facing infertility are consistent with those experienced by people with cancer, HIV, and chronic pain.  Heck, of the two commenters on this blog post  who have experienced both cancer and infertility, one found the infertility to cause feelings very similar to when she had cancer, and the other found the infertility to cause WORSE stress than the cancer!  I know that is hardly a representative sample, but the anecdotal evidence here does support the research that has already been done.

I'm not trying to say that I (or any other infertile) has it worse than someone dealing with a life-threatening disease.  What I am saying is that infertility causes a significant level of physical and emotional trauma and that this deserves to be recognized.

Another Thought for the AAR

This is the end of what I wrote to a pastor friend about this morning:

"Some people gave me general comments about liking the sermon, and others said that they appreciated my honesty or wished me/us luck.  I'm trying not to worry about it having been TMI for people; instead I'm reminding myself to trust God to use what I said to lead to positive ends and not negative ones."

After-Action Report

The sermon went well this morning.  I still don't think it's as good as the one I did last year, but people said that they appreciated the message about taking the steps that we can to change the world.  People responded positively to my self-disclosure with regards to the infertility.  Some people thanked me for being open about the issue, and 2 women shared that they had dealt with infertility, too.  One woman that I don't know well told me that her 4-year-old is her "miracle baby."

On another note, I've had a couple of interesting experiences watching movies tonight.  For one thing, I realized that I need my own copy of Bring It On.  I came to this conclusion when I was watching it on MTV again tonight and I flipped off the tv as I went to the kitchen during another commercial for 16 and Pregnant.  The other interesting thing has been watching Julie and Julia while thinking about and writing in my own blog.  One thing I appreciated when I started this blog is that I got at least some support and feedback right away, unlike Julie.  Right now the movie's at where it looks like Julie and Eric might be breaking up and her mother tells her not to stop the blog, after having been negative about the blog in the beginning.  One thing I mentioned in my sermon is how my dad doesn't think I should do this blog, how he thinks I should keep my private life private.  Somehow I don't see him turning his opinion around the way Julie's mom did.

Sermon

I'm outing myself and DH to my church as infertile in about 10 hours.  Some of the people we go to church with know about the infertility, but many do not.  Some of that is because there are a lot of members who I don't know, either because of our merge with another church or because they have recently joined.  Some of it is because I'm not sure the members of the church who remember me as a toddler really want to think about me in the way.  A large part of it is that I did not want to spread DH's business all over the church.

As I was writing my sermon, though, I was writing about changing the world despite encountering resistance.  As DH was reading what I had so far, part of his feedback was that it would be better if it was more personal and had more background.  DH and I discussed whether or not to include this type of background in the sermon.  DH ended up not having an opinion on whether to mention it or not, so I decided to do it.  At this point, I'm more concerned about the sermon overall than I am about the infertility aspect, but we'll see how things go overall.

What Comes Next

Before Blogger had issues and deleted comments on some posts, someone had asked whether I was going to go to a fertility specialist in August.  The short answer to that is, I sure hope so.  DH is supposed to switch to the new company (the one he should have switched to in December) at some point in June.  Provided that happens as scheduled, I'll be able to be on my company's insurance by July 1.  Figuring on it probably taking a few weeks to get in for an appointment, I'm guessing it'll be August before I can get in to see an RE.

Now, that doesn't mean that DH and I are trying again.  Or that we will be by August.  Or that we will be this year.  But it does mean that I'll be able to start finding out if there's an identifiable problem on my part and addressing it if there is a way to address it without trying to conceive.

On a side note, I wish MTV would stop with the commercials for 16 and Pregnant and for First Response pregnancy tests and for lawyers for antidepressant-related birth defects.  I just want to be able to watch Bring It On without babies every damned commercial break!!

Damnit, why can't I make it through a day of work without retreating to my office before bursting into tears??

First Support Group Meeting and the Possibility of Progress

I had definitely hoped for more from the support group, but it was good for what it was.  The basic issue is that it has just started--this was only the second meeting ever (which explains why I hadn't been able to find a group anywhere near me when I had looked before).  Because the group has just started, I was one of only 2 people there.  There were other people who had expressed interest in coming, but none of them came yesterday.

The group leader, R, is really nice.  She's in the same field as I am, so we both know what it's like to work around a bunch of women and always be seeing someone pregnant at work.  I shared with her info I've learned about adoption, and she shared about how few eggs women really have at 35 (which really makes me want to kick DH's ass into gear and smack anyone who says, "oh, you have tons of time still!").  It was really nice to be able to talk in person with someone who's going through this.  I really appreciate the support I get online, but it was nice to have support in person too.  I told R about the ALI blogging community (no, Kerry et al, not that ALI, Adoption/Loss/Infertility), so hopefully she's able to find support out in the blogoverse too.

R was telling me about how easy it was to start the group (she had been going up to Bel Air for one).  We talked about the possibility of me starting one down in Annapolis, since Severn is still a hike.  I decided I'd rather contribute to the success of this group first, though, before possibly starting a splinter group, especially since I don't really know any local infertiles.  Katie, this is one time I definitely wish you were back home instead of in the ATL.

In other news, DH was finally told that he should be switching companies next month.  So hopefully I can switch insurance in time to maybe have the new insurance by the beginning of July.  I need to talk to our HR person this week to make sure we're set up for the switch, since she goes on maternity leave by the end of the month.  If I'm "lucky," around August I can start figuring out what's wrong with me.  August will be 2 years since we started trying.  Even though we're not trying right now, we're not preventing anything, so it still kinda counts.  I know 2 years isn't long compared to some people's journeys, but that is also 2 years without any clarity or answers, and it will be nice to be able to start searching for answers even if we're still not doing anything with the answers we get.

Here Goes...Something to make the Nothing more bearable

I found on the RESOLVE.org website a relatively local IF support group (relatively local meaning driving to the other end of the county, rather than halfway across the state).  First meeting since I found the group is tonight.  Had therapy tonight, but I switched that to next week so I could go to the support group.  Hopefully it will help.

In other news, I will be writing frantically this week because I am, for the second time in my life, doing the sermon (or, since I'm Methodist and not ordained, "bringing the message") this Sunday.

Worst Day of the Year

Screw this.  I'm ignoring Facebook and going back to bed.  The worst part was seeing posts about people for whom this is their first Mother's Day as a mother, whether they are pregnant or just had their baby.  I'm glad they have this day to be cherished, and it's not like I think people shouldn't be posting about their day, I just can't deal with looking at it, so I'm taking care of myself.  I'm not so much bitter or angry as I am hurting.  Not hurt by anyone, just hurting about the situation.

I do really appreciate that if I got my butt in gear and went to church, that my pastor believes in celebrating the women of the church on this day because we all act motherly to someone.  She set it up so all the ladies get a flower, knowing (not just because of me) that plenty of times when women don't have a child, it's not by choice.  At this point, though, I just feel drained and want nothing more (ok, almost nothing more) than to go back to bed and hibernate and hope to goodness that I don't have another dream like yesterday.  For one thing, even with my pastor giving that consideration, I don't think I could get through church without crying, and DH went to see a friend who preaches elsewhere, so it would be just me.  I'm sure I'll get some churchiness in later today working on the sermon I'll be delivering next week when I pinch hit for the pastor.

That's what I get, I guess

So, I was sleeping in this morning, just got up about 10 minutes ago, and only got up then because I have a wedding to be at in 45 minutes.  I love sleeping in.  I hate mornings, and I like my days to start at the crack of noon whenever possible.  I enjoy and relish in my morning sleep when I can have it.  This morning, though, part of me wishes that I had needed to get up earlier, because then I wouldn't have had the dream I did.

I dreamed I got a BFP.  In the dream, I just tested for the hell of it, because I had a test that was about to expire.  I wasn't expecting anything because, like in real life, we weren't officially trying or doing treatments or anything.  But I got a BFP.  I was thrilled at first, of course, but then I started getting REALLY frightened about the possibility of a miscarriage.  I got as far as thinking of how hard it would be to not tell people, and then the dream changed to something else.

Even though I didn't wake up directly from that dream, it still HURT to wake up, remember the dream, and know that it was just a dream that has a high chance of never coming true.  Serves me right for sleeping in when there's things I could/should be doing.

Infertility in the Media

The way that infertility is treated in the media has been on my mind a lot lately.  Two of my favorite tv shows are Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill (yes, I have a strong tomboy streak, but I also have a strong girly-girl streak).  One Tree Hill has had a storyline about Brooke being infertile for several seasons now, involving her interest in adoption and the effects of her infertility on her relationship with Julian.  The infertility storyline involving Meredith and Derek on Grey's is a lot more recent but has been a lot more powerful for me.

With both shows, the infertility was initially handled as a cut and dried matter.  Brooke was told that she was not pregnant and that in fact she never would be able to become pregnant.  After having a miscarriage, Meredith was told that she has a "hostile uterus."  Treatments were recommended for Meredith, but not for Brooke; in both cases, a real diagnosis was never given.  All in all, the two shows addressed both the mechanics and the reactions related to an infertility diagnosis in a very superficial way.

As the current season progressed, the Grey's writers began handling the topic of Meredith's infertility more deftly.  Both Meredith and Brooke had to cope with having pregnant friends, but Meredith's reactions have seemed a lot more real and likely from what I've experienced and others that I know have experienced.  I was crying during the following clip because it covered so well how I've felt in many situations: jealous, frustrated, not understanding why others can end up by mistake with what we work so hard for, but still caring about the person and not wanting anything to happen to the person.

The part where Meredith attended Callie's baby shower also felt very real and well-done.  I haven't had to do onesie decorating at any showers, but I'm really glad that at work it was the shower I could stay the whole time for that had no games and the one I had clients to see in the middle of that had cutesy games. 

Another thing that rang true for me with Grey's this season was Meredith's reaction to having to stop the cycle of injectible medications because of a side effect of blurred vision.  Most of us aren't likely to be in quite that situation, but almost all of us have had to stop treatments or stop trying for a cycle, whether because of problems with the treatment, inability to afford treatment, or other life factors making it impossible to try for a month.  Having to stop a cycle for any reason is extremely hard, and it's even worse when it's a cycle where you went through a lot to try.  The acupuncture I was doing last summer is nowhere near as bad as getting shots, I'm sure, but I'm bad enough with needles that it was still very hard both physically and emotionally for me.  Having to stop in the middle of a cycle felt like a waste of everything DH and I had put ourselves through to make it happen.

At this point, Grey's is hard to watch, but it's not as hard when they treat the subject as seriously as it deserves to be treated.  I just hope the thing between Christina and Owen on whether or not to have kids doesn't come back up.  Given the content of some of my posts from January, that storyline had me wondering whether I would be able to watch the rest of the season or not.

Another day, another pregnancy announcement AND another baby shower, this one with the game of "guess who's sonogram picture this is."  I am strong.  I can do this.  I am focusing on the pie I made.

Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge

Yes, I finally figured out, 8 months later, how to put a title on my posts.  Computers aren't my thing, ok?

To commemorate National Infertility Awareness Week, RESOLVE.org is sponsoring the Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge.  I chose two related myths to address in the same post, one related to domestic adoption in general and the other related to foster-to-adopt programs. 

Myth: There are many unwanted babies available for domestic adoption.     

Myth: You will eventually be able to adopt the child.

Both of these myths relate to fears that I have about if we need to go the route of adoption.  I'm scared to death of how crushed I would be to get close to being a parent and then for it not to happen.  There's another couple whose blog I follow who have been accepted by an adoption agency and then weren't hearing anything for a long while.  They checked to make sure that they were being considered and that their profile was being shown, and they found out that birth mothers were looking at their profile and not choosing them.  I worry that I/we won't look good enough for a mother to want us to raise their child.  I know that no couple and no family is perfect, but the people that care enough about their baby to go through a reputable agency also care enough to want the best for their child.  There's always going to be someone better than me/us out there, someone who can afford to give their new child the best of everything, someone who did not spend all of whatever savings they were able to gather in order to get into line to be passed over by every mother.  After all, once I'm able to switch to my company's insurance, IVF and other ART will be covered, but adoption will not...

Foster-to-adopt programs have been suggested to me as a more affordable option, and one where people are needed.  I've tended to be at least somewhat resistant to the idea, although I haven't ruled it out for sure.  The biggest reason I've been resistant is because of what I do for a living.  I am, after all, a social worker.  In my current job, I don't work with the foster care system.  I have in previous jobs, however, and the main thing that experience did is strengthen the feeling I came out of grad school with that I never wanted to work in the foster care system.  No, I don't think all DSS workers are bad or incompetent or anything like that.  But I certainly don't want to be a social worker all day and then come home and have to fight with the foster care system on behalf of my own child.  I want home to be, while not easy, at least different from work!  

Another aspect of the foster-to-adopt system came up when I was discussing things with my therapist tonight, though.  With many of the kids I had worked with, I had seen in their histories situations where the parental rights were about to be terminated so the child would be eligible for adoption when the birth parents suddenly tried to get things together so they could get their child back.  Sometimes the parents did get their children back and then lost them again or took them back to DSS and said, "Take them."  Sometimes, the situation dragged on, the parents never did get their act together, and the child did become eligible to be adopted, but a long time and a lot of pain later.  Either way, it's extremely heart-wrenching for the parents that want to adopt.  I don't know that I could do that, become attached to a child and then have that child taken away.  And possibly more than once??  I don't even want to think about that!

So yeah, long story short, adoption is at least as fraught as assisted reproductive technologies.

Basic information about infertility  http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Background of National Infertility Awareness Week  http://www.resolve.org/takecharge 

What IF I can never just be happy with what I have and stop being angry, bitter, and sad about what I do not (from Cathy)?

This post is a part of Project IF, a collection of infertility-related bloggers exploring their own personal What IFs to mark National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30).

This is a What IF that I struggle with every day, multiple times a day.  A What IF that I can't even read without tearing up.  It's a What IF that a number of my friends are sick of me for because they are sick of me bringing them down and bothering them with my problems.  They don't understand why I can't just be happy with what I have and stop being jealous and angry and bitter.

Well, neither do I.  I don't understand why I can't be happy to enjoy other people's kids and give them back to their parents when they start crying or need a diaper change.  I don't understand why I can't be satisfied with mothering and taking care of everyone around me like I used to be.  I don't understand why having a good job and a loving husband and caring friends and helping others doesn't meet my needs and fulfill me anymore.

It's enough for other people.  It used to be enough for me.  I don't understand why it stopped being enough.  Is it my biological clock?  Is it the fact that I thought I was going to get to have it in the foreseeable future rather than in some undefined "someday"?  Is it that I'm actually a selfish brat who starts throwing a hissy fit anytime she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it how she wants it?

Whatever it is, the fact that I haven't been able to get rid of the anger and bitterness and jealousy and sadness and despair is not for lack of trying.  I have been working extremely hard and praying multiple times a day, multiple times an hour sometimes, trying to rid myself of the negative and focus on the positives in my life and in the lives of people I care about.  I have had small successes, moments when I've been able to be genuinely happy for someone, times when I have been able to sincerely pray for people about whom I had been feeling not just envy but bitterness.  I try to recognize and appreciate them, but the message comes from some channels that I'm still so far below what is acceptable for dealing with this that those small successes aren't even worth noticing.

What IF I was able to celebrate myself and feel supported by the people I care about most for the small successes until there are bigger accomplishments to celebrate?

For more information on Project IF, go to: http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if-part-two/

Basic information about Infertility can be found at: www.resolve.org/infertility101

Background information about National Infertility Awareness Week is available at: www.resolve.org/takecharge

I've realized something recently about the relationship between the image I have of myself and the images others have of me.

I've always had a fairly fragile self-image.  People who know me at all well can tell you that I'm quick to see myself as not worth much and not really good at much of anything.  I tend to emphasize the things that others are better than me at, downplay the importance of the things that I am good at, and not believe that I deserve any recognition that I get.  With words of affirmation being one of my primary Love Languages, words about me doing things well can lift me up, but only temporarily.  Words about me being bad at things or not having qualities that I should have will rip me to pieces in a heartbeat.

One area where this has been shown clearly is in how I see my reactions to the infertility issue.  I had muddled my way through for several months doing the best I could but not really focusing on whether the job I was doing was good or bad.  Then, I got hit with the feedback that I was handling things badly and that I needed to shape up.  I got into therapy, increased my meds, and started this blog.  I could see an improvement in myself, especially given how what I was feeling got worse, but I continued to receive feedback about how awful I was at handling things, culminating with the comments that led to me not writing for several weeks in January and considering killing the blog.

In March, I was shocked when our couples therapist told me that I actually was handling things surprisingly well.  DH also was able to understand that, whether he could get what I was feeling or not, what I was feeling was normal.  With their support, I started to build the beginnings of a more positive set of beliefs about myself and about how I am handling an extremely difficult set of circumstances.

I learned just how fragile these positive thoughts and beliefs were, however, a week and a half ago when a person whose opinion I greatly respect told me that being honest about how I feel is not ok and that the progress that made still leaves me so far below what is acceptable that it is worthless.  I was also told that I am in the process of driving away my friends because they have to come up with a plan for how to tell me their good news in such a way that I don't make a public scene.

DH and I were talking about this in relation to the Johari Window. (For those who are not familiar: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window)  As we were talking, I realized that I felt like I was being told the Facade and Blind Spot areas were mutually exclusive in this case.  The Facade section held the idea that I am handling things about as well as could be expected.  The Blind Spot section held the idea that I'm so bad at handling things that I'm not worth being around.  Those can't both be true.  My natural inclinations, as described above, combined with the fact that I respect this person's opinion and this person told me a lot of people share the Blind Spot view but don't want to tell me.  This led to me thinking that the Blind Spot opinion must be right and that I need to find a way to completely change my brain and personality if I want to keep my friends.

A couple of days ago, a friend sent me a Facebook message telling me about her pregnancy news before she posted it on her news feed.  One of the things she said really touched me and made me feel better about who and how I am.  She said that she appreciated the genuineness and honesty of this blog.  That statement helped me to start picking up a couple more pieces of my self-image and to put back together a little of what had been smashed apart.

Just to make myself clear, I'm NOT writing this as a veiled request for people to stroke my ego or tell me that I'm handling things wonderfully or tell me that I shouldn't change a thing.  I know that I am the only person responsible for my self-esteem.  I'm just sharing where I'm at and one of the things that I am working on.

Ah, April Fools' Day.  I used to enjoy you.  I was never big on playing pranks myself, but that was just because of a combination of lack of creativity and that I suck at lying if people can actually see me.  I've generally enjoyed the pranks played by others, however, whether they dupe me or not. 

This year, however, it's a lot harder.  I've already seen 4 pregnancy "announcements" on FB that I'm pretty sure are fake (this is not counting the guys saying that they themselves are pg, which are still funny, and not counting the real one from one of my cousins).  It's not as much of a punch to the gut as it is when people really are pregnant, but to me it's as Not Funny as a person pretending to have cancer or something.  One would make me scared in case it's true, especially with having friends that have survived cancer and those that have not, but the other is a crushing reminder that for 90% of people, it is a joking matter because they never have to deal with not being able to conceive.  I kinda remember seeing posts like that last year, but at that point I still had hope and so those posts didn't hurt as much as they do this year.

Before people jump all over me, I'm not trying to tell people what pranks they can or can't pull or that they have to change everything they do because of my fragile feelings.  All I'm doing is asking that people use some creativity in their pranks instead of going for that one.  I've seen a couple of really great pranks already this year that didn't have to do with pregnancy, and those are the ones that people will remember down the road anyway.

I just managed to do an intake session with a 9-month-old present without reacting to that aspect of it.  Not sure whether it was because the Zoloft was working well or because I'm getting better at dealing with things or because I hurt too much physically to hurt emotionally, but I'll take it however it comes.

I thought about posting this on Thursday, when it happened, but then I found the myths and facts and decided to post that instead. 

First of all, I'm ok, or at least ok-ish.  Second, I was in a car accident on Thursday morning.  I was stopped in traffic and the person behind me didn't even slow down.  She rear-ended me and pushed me into the car in front of me.  The car (and driver) in front of me were ok, but my front got crunched up from that one.  My trunk was completely smushed in, right up to the bottom of the back windshield.  Something was messed up on the bottom of the car, too, since I heard and felt scraping on the road as I pulled over to the side.  On a 12 year old car, that's definitely damage that totals it.  So now we have to figure out how we'll afford another car for me.  We have a decent-size down payment, at least, once the tax money comes in.  Good thing we finished paying the IF-related bills, although it's disheartening to have another financial hit just after finishing with the last. 

Mostly at this point, I'm just sore.  My back and neck especially, but my left side and my wrists too.  I don't remember if I had my hands on the wheel at that point or not, since I was stopped, but I seem to have torqued at least my right wrist.  Had an x-ray of the left rib area and was glad it turned out not to be broken.  Somehow, I don't think I'll be up for a BD this week.

From Resolve.org, Myths and Facts about Infertility:

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

This is my Infertility Manifesto.  DH encouraged me to write this tonight after something clicked and he was able to understand more of what I've been trying to tell him for the past however many months.

I AM NORMAL.  You won't usually see/hear me say that, since I usually take pride in being (at least) a bit eccentric.  But when it comes to dealing with infertility and wanting to be a parent, I am normal.  I'm not just pulling this out of thin air, I am basing this on what I have been told by my individual therapist, our couples therapist, and other infertile women that I have connected to through the internet and this blog.

When I am proud of myself for being able to walk past a magazine announcing another celebrity pregnancy and not tear up, I am normal.  When I have trouble watching my favorite tv shows because they have pregnancies or infertility, I am normal.  When I feel bitter or angry about other people being able to get pregnant so easily, I am normal.  When I have a hard time making it through a day because of the pregnant people all around me, I am normal.  When I weigh for the umpteenth time whether staying connected with friends and family via Facebook is worth the emotional slaps upside the head when yet another person announces their pregnancy, I am normal.  When I feel happy for a friend and at the same time feel bitter and hopeless, I AM NORMAL.

Do I like feeling angry and bitter and hopeless?  Of course not.  Do I like flinching mentally when I see people that I like and care about?  Of course not.  Do I like feeling like I may never feel better if I don't become a parent one way or another?  Of course not.  Do I like that friends have lost out on things because of what I have and have not been able to handle?  Of course not, and knowing that people lost out made some decisions much harder for me.  Do I like that some of my friends end up in the situation of trying to figure out how to break the news to me?  Definitely not, although I appreciate VERY much that they care enough to do what they can to make it easier.  Do I like that DH feels pressure because of my feelings?  Absolutely not.  At the same time that my feelings cause problems for myself and others, they are normal and I AM NORMAL.

Some people have said that they don't think therapy and medication are helping me much at all because they don't see any improvement in my mood over time.  What people who think that do not realize is that the amount of pain I have been feeling over the past 3 months is probably about double what I was experiencing in the months before that.  So, if people haven't noticed much difference in me in the past few months, that actually means I have gotten significantly better at managing and not showing the stress and pain.  You may not like that it's that way.  I don't like it either.  But that's what it is.

To add to Virginia Satir, I AM ME, I AM NORMAL, AND I AM OK.

I should've posted this on Friday, but I was having a bad weekend (and beginning of this week) with regards to this whole mess.  DH made a special dinner on Friday and gave me a champagne flute of sparkling cider (since we had some lying around, no specific reason for it to be the cider) when I got home from work in order to celebrate us paying off the last of the medical bills from trying to get the IF checked out.  That takes away a huge drain, since it was killing our finances paying a couple hundred a month.  On the one hand, I am REALLY glad to not have that ruining our budgeting anymore.  On the other, it's depressing to know that we just paid $1400 to learn nothing, money we would have been able to avoid having to pay if DH's company's HR department was willing to do their jobs and give us a copy of what was covered on the insurance plan when he asked for it.

I just keep surviving another day; that's all I can do.  I try to appreciate the things I do have, and not paying a couple hundred in medical bills each month will make it easier to do things that at least make me happier temporarily.

If I were smart, I'd find a way to bottle my tears and see if I can use the brine to pickle something.

At couples therapy tonight, the therapist said that she was surprised at how well I'm handling the infertility and the uncertainty about whether we'll ever be trying again.  That made me feel a LOT better, given how many times I've been told in the past year that I suck at handling it and/or that I really ought to be able to handle things better if I actually want to be a mother.

I feel more alone right now than I have at any other point in this journey.  That's not to say I feel like no one cares.  I thank all y'all that are still reading for expressing/showing that you care.  But I feel like there's no one I can relate to. 

I can't relate to the people who have had their dreams come true and become parents.  I can't relate to the people who don't want kids because they're happy without them.  But I also feel like I can't relate to the infertiles anymore.  They're ALLOWED to try.  Even if they're in a period where they can't afford to try, they're still allowed to if the money can be worked out.  And if they've been told it's not possible at all, they can still try to get the money and the agencies together to try and adopt.  But I don't even know if that's ever going to be allowed.

And so it's hard and I feel alone in a way that is completely different from ever before.  I was going to ask for advice from one friend that I thought could relate, but now that friend is going to be a parent.  What I want is advice from someone that still doesn't know if they'll ever be allowed to try.

Tearing up because someone shared a video of a baby from Yahoo with this comment: "A babys laughter is the greatest joy in life..."

I wouldn't know.

I can understand the idea that God has something He wants me to learn.  I want to learn what He wants me to learn.  However, if all this is supposed to be Him teaching me something, then I feel like a 4th grader put in AP classes, floundering and failing at it while everyone else has to work at it but at least succeeds when they work at it.

I feel like my life is falling apart except for APO and somewhat for work.  This actually has very little to do with the baby thing...that only relates at all because having spent $1400 on medical bills in the past year has contributed to things being difficult.  So because it's not baby-related, it doesn't really fit into the "Jessie's Infertility Journal" part of the blog's name, but it does still fit into the "Notes from the Ninth Circle" part, since that's where I feel like I am.

Recently I felt inspired to write poetry again.  I used to write a lot of poetry in high school, as that was a very emotional time for me that inspired a lot of creativity.  I initially did not share this new poem with DH because of how raw the emotions in it were.  When I did, he encouraged me to post it on here.  This is how I feel right now as I deal with the despair and the waiting and the wondering if I'll ever even have the chance to try again.

WARNING: Do NOT read unless you are up for reading something that taps into the depths of the pain that I experience.  Plenty of people care about me but don't want to know how it really is.  If you are one of those people, stop here.  If you are someone who does want to know how it really is but is having a down day yourself, you might want to wait and read this another day.  This may be overkill on the disclaimer, but I don't want to upset anyone.


Tear tracks stiffen and dry out,
Cracks in my armor,
Cracks in my soul
Leaving oozing open wounds.
My essence drains through
The sieve of my heart
And lies on the floor like sand
To be swept into a corner,
Forgotten.

For a little while last night, the joke that I am (in a Princess Bride voice) inconceivable was incredibly funny.  Then it stopped being funny.

I'm just plain melancholy at this point.  I'll be ok, and I don't need anyone to do anything about it.  It's just hard sometimes, watching everyone else's life move forward.  People at work come back from maternity leave, others go out on maternity leave, another starts to really show.  Even the IF people I know at least have things that they're trying while I'm not allowed to try, even if they're between treatments/official attempts and are still tracking and trying.  I'll manage and survive, because that's what I do, but for now, I'm melancholy.

I really need to find something good to say when people ask if I have kids.  When I say no, people always ask why not or whether I want kids.  Saying I don't want kids would be a lie, but saying I hope to have kids someday would also be a lie because I don't have anything resembling hope anymore.

DH has been doing a LOT better over the past two weeks...he's actually been someone I recognize as the man I met and married.  Among many other differences, he's been caring and concerned when something related to babies or infertility comes up even though I don't react or have feelings.


I keep trying to convince myself that I can be happy without kids.  Or with my only "kids" being youth at church and the APO brothers I work with.

One of my friends from work is an older divorced woman.  She and I were talking today, and she said that she did not have kids because her second husband did not want to.  She said that she very much regrets that decision.

I was talking to my mom tonight, and she was telling me that when my dad wanted to join the National Guard, she knew that it would cause problems and complications but that she also knew that she couldn't tell him no.  Apparently my dad and her discussed a lot and my dad truly did give Mom a choice, but she knew that being a soldier was enough ingrained in who he was and what he needed that it wouldn't be right to tell him no.  Even when Dad's Guard schedule caused problems and conflicts down the road, she says she never regretted saying yes.

I think about that, though, and I wonder, which one of me and DH is supposed to be my mom in that situation and which is supposed to be my dad?

I don't want a situation where DH resents me or our hypothetical kids because of the things he doesn't get to do.  I also wouldn't want to leave DH and marry someone who does want kids.  I made a vow, "till death do us part," and even if what he wants out of life has changed from what he wanted a decade ago, I sill made that vow.  At the same time, while most of that dream of being a mother has withered up and died, there are still bits of it in there like a cancer, waiting to grow and take over again.  Mom says I can't use not feeling anything as a permanent solution.  But where does that leave me?

Operation Feel Nothing continues.  I can do this.